the wandering

2011-08-07T00:50:00.000-06:00

Faye and Spike from Cowboy Bebop

namesake

Nolan and I have been discussing how close together we should have our kids, or discussing again now that we have involuntarily begun, and Nolan told me that he's hoping for a girl next. When he told me this I looked at him curiously, but before I could formulate any theories he explained that then the pressure is off.
I didn't look at him any less curiously... Apparently, since we already have a boy, if we had a girl next the gender score would be even. So if and when it came to considering a third we are free of the pressure to fill a void that may exist on our list of genders to have. Got to at least have one of everything. Teasing aside, it's a valid point.
So if we were to have a girl next I'd have to work a little harder at finding some options as to names. I noticed the last time around I had particular difficulty with finding anything I liked. Sure there are names that if I know someone by that name I'm not going to like you less because I wouldn't want to grace my child with that name. Although if you are a terrible person you may well have ruined some good names before it was time to consider them. I have always liked Eva, but for the life of me couldn't find a middle name I would allow to be paired with it. I'm kind of particular like that. The names have to flow together. Even if no one ever says their full name I want to know that if my child is ever faced with a situation where he does it won't sound ridiculous. Granted my child may still hate their name, like other children before have hated theirs, but they will have to admit that at the very least it has a good flow to it.
And now I've set a middle name precedent. The first one's got one, I can't not give the next one one. Otherwise someday I'll be buying her a pony out of guilt for not looking hard enough for a middle name we could all live with. I can't find a name in those name databases or books. Besides that 50% of those names haven't been used since the middle ages (although Bathilda does have a nice ring to it) If the name has no context or meaning to me it just falls flat. I'm not one of those people who pick a name solely based on it's meaning (Bathilda once again makes the exception with "Commanding battle maiden") but, nor do I feel the need to name my children after acquaintances, authors, cab drivers who have made a monumental difference in my life. I'm just can't pick a name out of a list never having heard (or read) it used before.
One name combination that continuously pops into my head is Faye Valentine, it borders on the line of possible and your relatives having an intervention on behalf of your unborn child. An additional difficulty is I already have to explain to my son that we named him after a fictitious assassin and that by no means we condone killing others a viable occupation. If I name a girl Faye Valentine then I'd have to explain that I named her after a lying, cheating, slothful gambler. Because with a name like that you know someday she's going to ask.
We're creating a great legacy for the Giesbrecht line.

2011-07-30T23:35:00.000-06:00

So for some time now I have been contemplating the idea of writing short stories based on nothing but a word and it's underlying definition. I have had dictionary.com daily emails for years now, where they send you a word a day with it's definition and examples of it's use and often there are some amusing ones. I thought the exercise would not only get me writing (if I'd actually do it) but it would also help solidifying new words into my vocabulary.

So I've finally committed to at least one attempt.

gangster bytwizzyizzy

feign
1. To represent fictitiously; put on an appearance of.
2. To invent fictitiously or deceptively, as a story or an excuse.
3. To make believe; pretend.

Will sulked through the back alley sticking to the shadows. He hunched his shoulders and kept his hooded head drooped down. He kept visually and auditorally quiet but he failed to keep out of detection.
"Trying to hide Will?" Like a shock wave through his spinal cord Will's posture straightened from root to tip. His head flicked up and turned to look behind him.
"Hide? Never!" Will said this with a tint of mockery and flashed a sardonic smile.
"Don't act so confident Will" his rival stepped closer, "Jer's not here to protect your sorry ass this time and we've got you ournumbered five to one."
"My ass is my sorry indeed" Will craned his head and pretended to look at his backside, "it's my mother's genetics, no asses to speak of on her side"
"You think you can talk your way out of this? You think you're so smart. We're going to beat you senseless, but if you give it to me we might leave you breathing."
"Give you what now?"
"Oh you'd like to play stupid wouldn't you. Shawn here saw you take it. So cough it up smartass" He took a step closer and the others began to fan out around Will.
"Ok, ok. Whoa, take it easy." Will threw his hands up infront up him and stepped backwards. "So I took it, but I got to tell you I don't have it."
"Oh you'd better be lyin' Will. You had better have it on you."
"I'm serious I don't have it" Will continued to hold the throng back with a gesture of his hands. "It's kind of a funny story, but I think I can get it back." Will could see the rage rising in the face that stood in front of him."Hear me out, I promise it'll worth your while."
"How is you explaining that you lost something you stole from me gonna be worth my while you little terd?"
"I'm serious, just listen. So I stole it, that's true. And I'll be honest I was taking it downtown to sell it. It was gonna be my ticket out of here. Was gonna go someplace better, warmer, with lots of pretty ladies. Maybe Californa, buy a little place close to the beach. Maybe get a dog"
"I don't give a damn what you were going to do with it, tell me what happened" Fingers curled into a fist.
"Sorry, sorry. Just can't help it, I got big dreams. Ok so, I'm heading downtown- I was almost there too, three blocks away from the place, you know the one that's downtown. On my way there this huge brawl broke out, right outside of King's Tavern I got stuck right in the middle of it there was no way out. It was serious too, couple of guys knocked out right in the middle of the street. One guy lost a tooth. Me I got punched in the gut, landed me on my ass. So of course someone calls the cops and I'm trying to get out the situation as quick as-"
"You're telling me you got picked up by the pigs and they just let you slide, now I know you're full of-"
"Whoa, whoa, just let me tell you like it is. Yes they picked me up I was trying to sneak on through the crowd but this one copper, he just came from nowhere I swear. But this is thing, the cop was dirty" Will threw out his hands even wider "I'm not lying here, the guy was dirty as they come. He and his partner they grabbed the goods and threw me in the back. Only I didn't know they were dirty then. They get in the front and they start talking about what's gonna happen to punks like me. But then it switched, they just start laughing at me, and then tell me that they're gonnna take it, and let me off in the middle of nowhere. They tell me they're gonna do it cause they can, cause no one would believe a little shit like me." Will shrugged "And they're right, no one does. But this is the good part, I swear, they tell me they've got more and they told me right where is was. They did it cause they don't think I can do anything about it, like they were just throwing it in my face. But we can go get it, we could all make a ton of money."
"You think were gonna go against coppers Will? You think we're gonna walk into some kinda stupid trap?"
"No it's easy I swear, let me tell you"
"You've told me enough Will. You want to know what? I think you're a liar, I think you're just trying to buy yourself time with this bull-shit story hoping someone comes to your rescue." He reached out and grabbed Will by the front of his shirt and slammed him against a dumpster.
"Shawn, check him. I don't want to mess up my merchandise."
Shawn lanked forward and patted Will's pockets carelessly with the back of his hand feeling for the package. Nothing. Shawn blinked, and went in again this time with full palms patting Will up and down. He looked up blankly and shrugged, "It ain't there".
"Ok Will, I'm gonna beat you til you can't feel anymore, but before I leave you in this dumpster bleeding you're gonna tell me what you really did with it."
Just then someone came running down the alley, yelling.
"I just saw it, Jer and VInce just walked it across the Concord park"
The fury hit the top, Will's opponent pulled his arm back to get a good swing.
"Right across my own turf you little..." he went aimed for the right side of Will's head.
Will grinned, ducked under the oncoming arm with speed, then kicked Shawn in the back of the knee and in the confusion ran out into the street.

2011-07-28T14:48:00.000-06:00

rhythm of the heart by tms696

I sometimes find myself overwhelmed with the busyness of life.

There are some people who thrive on it. One of my professors crammed every moment of his life with teaching, speaking engagements, meetings, leading extracurricular groups. He always had time for students knocking at his door, made time for family, relaxation and friends. And it between it all he wrote books, guides for others in his field. Unlike that overdone message we see in movies of people who are successful at their career always sacrifice everything personal this man managed it all. I once looked at this through my own limited understanding thinking someday that man is going to drop dead of stress until I realized to him it was stress at all. I would have crashed and burned after a week of his schedule, but everyone has their own momentum.

I think I'm still trying to find mine. Instead of finding that rhythm to which my life lives and breathes to I feel as though my beat jumps all over place speeding up and, more rarely, dragging through. Unlike my professor a normal amount activity (such as a 'regular' full time job) seems to be more than I handle. Although I am habitually hard too critical of myself. Even though it has been years since a friend first made this personal defect clear to me I have barely improved on allowing myself not to be perfect. What I mean by saying this here is that a regular full time job in the past 4 years has meant incredibly demanding and stressful work while outside of my job I have gotten married, moved 3 times, lived through a lengthy renovation in a small condo, had a baby, and all the while battling exhaustion from a physical condition. And yet deep in my heart I berate myself for not accomplishing more.
Honestly I fear that if I free myself from my own personal condemnation I'll never rise above merely wishing and dreaming. It is a tragedy that this condemnation is actually what keeps me from finding my rhythm.
I often crave a disciplined life. I envy those who can regulate themselves to wake up early and dedicate themselves to accomplishing what they want to, like my father. He got up early every morning during his working life, he always took time to sit down and eat breakfast. On weekdays he went in early, earlier than most other teachers, on weekends he'd take time to read the newspaper or (in the summertime) hit all the garage sales. When I was a child I remember father often woke me early and invited me to go with him, we'd have hit all the garage sales in Strathroy and gone for breakfast at McDonalds before others had woken up. Sadly I eventually got older and decided I'd rather sleep in than look for treasures amongst strangers junk.
And despite my cravings there is a part of me that just goes with the flow. The easily distracted part of me that flits where my fancy goes however trivial or useless it may be. To a degree I like this part of me, but I also appreciate structure. We all experience this, we all say it to ourselves it's just about finding the balance. It's about finding what works for us and then we find our momentum.
Some never find a momentum. Some never try. Some of us live life as a chaotic existence. So I guess I should consider myself at least one step ahead since I'm willing to pursue a life that has meaning.

2011-06-17T09:30:00.000-06:00

(Continuing to share unfinished thoughts)

royal wedding day by woofwoof1996

enjoy it for what it is

After watching bits of the Royal wedding on both Canadian and American stations, it seemed as though the difference between Americans and Canadians-or Americans and the rest of the world-is that they can`t just enjoy something for what it is, they have to have it too.
It is the negative side of the American dream. people getting married in between footage of the wedding. The commentary goes immediately to how the wedding makes the commentator feel. The shows surrounding the footage, such as "Say yes to the dress" where girls find the dress for their own "Royal Wedding". And although there are many people who just want to drink tea, eat crumpets and revel in unique moment, there are also many of us who have difficulty accepting that we are not all Kings and Queens. Instead of being satisfied with celebrating with a cup of Earl Grey they try to find ways to share the spotlight. Granted Canadians do not escape the "American Dream" mindset, the only real difference is that Canada doesn't have a TLC channel of their own. We too fall susceptible to the trap of wanting it all.
The reason why this is such a big event is precisely because we are not. My sister was born on Valentine's Day and all through my childhood I agonized that she got lots of heart themed gifts on her birthday (however if you buy me something heart themed or shaped now I will be less than excited). I had a hard time accepting that I was not special in the same way my sister was. On a larger scale society has become like the jealous sibling who doesn't like that they don't have the same things their brother or sister do. It reminds me of the award ceremonies that celebrate everybody... It's one thing to be Daddy's little princess, but can't we let a real princess actually have her day without needing to crowd in the spotlight?

2011-06-08T16:19:00.001-06:00

what else is there by finvara

Sometimes I write and don't have time to finish my thought, so leave what I have written in blogger limbo, aka. a draft. More and more lately I have felt unsatisfied with the things that I have written, often struck with the notion that it is not worthy to be read or think that it is written in a feeling of the moment and tomorrow will no longer be true. The dissatisfaction with the things that I have written begins a spiral where either I write and don't like it, or don't write because I haven't liked what I've written. Perhaps I can break the spiral by posting even the incomplete and thoughts of a moment. The incomplete may be more likely to be completed if brought out from the dusty archives to see the light of day and the thoughts of a moment may yet have lasting truth if it can be mulled over in our minds. So here we go.

I think I am too emotional to work with people who cannot submit to reason.
Too personal to struggle with those who refuse to listen and think.
It is strange to think of an emotional connection with the power of reason. We often talk about them separately, as distinctive a difference as characters like Vulcans to teenage girls. Often in media we see this separation of heart and mind in the characters who play out the human drama. In fact it is spelt out for us that the struggle to balance between the two is the definition of what it means to be human. Sometimes I would like to think that it is due to an inability in our artists, authors and playwrights to capture a character who can capture the delicate balance between the two as so often the characters lean one way and/or then the other. However, they have unfortunately captured humanity only too well since we have not yet learned to use the two simultaneously.

2011-02-22T00:26:00.000-06:00

gift for you by nhuthanh

I have been operating under an assumption and yet acting contrary to what I have believed.
Since the discussion of baby showers has come my way my thoughts and expectations have been shaped by the understanding that baby showers are for gathering around new parents and helping them prepare for the burden of new parenthood.
As with getting married, the occasion of starting a new household, bringing a new life into the world can be costly. Helping new parents to me, seemed like showers were meant to aid the upcoming financial burden. After having a few discussions on the topic I began to realize that my assumption was not the assumption for all. I had heard from many mothers is that they are always given more clothing than the baby could possibly wear before they grow too large for them (and given some things they would never buy themselves, while the vast majority of baby clothes are adorable the truth of all baby clothes being cute is probably about as true as every baby is cute. When Nolan was born the nurse told his mother to not worry as all of the ugly babies grow up to be the best looking people. He wasn't an ugly baby, but it just proves that everyone has a different idea of what is good looking). I also had enough clothing handed down from siblings and really don't need clothing. I had made this known and so I suggested to others that maybe people could group buy or contribute to those but as it got closer to my due date I realized that people were waiting until after the baby was born so they could buy gender specific clothing. Since most of the big ticket items would need to be bought before the baby was born I then felt panicked about the fact that they would all have to be purchased by Nolan and I.
It began to seem to me that if the point of a shower is for a community to gather around new parents and bless them then the point is defeated when the community does not endeavour to find out what the new parents actually need. Instead new parents receive things that they have more of then they can use and are given additional pressure in pleasing gift givers since baby outfits are like the "ugly vase" wedding present you got from your grandma. You go into a panic to find and display it when you know they're coming over. Except now you have a much shorter span of time to show that you appreciate their gift and a lot more of them to display. Instead of blessing them the new parents are handed guilt and extra stress. I began to wonder if might be better to cancel baby showers altogether so that, even though parents have to buy everything themselves, they are spared having to please grandma by making baby wear the frilly, lacy, baby pink knitted sweater-bonnet-bootie set like what her babies used to wear. I know I'm picking on poor sweet grandma, however she is the only age group I can guarantee won't read my blog thus the greatest chance of avoiding insult.
Ok so I am outrageously exaggerating the dilemma, one for the purpose of amusement, but also to get around to making the point. I realized early in these thoughts that I have been equally guilty in how I go about giving a shower gift and I will never go about getting a shower gift in the same way. Also I should note that since the time of the above conversation I have had a surprise shower in which someone did endeavour to find out what I already had and asked what I needed. I also had family members take us out to purchase a few more expensive items which was such a blessing in helping us prepare. They were also incredibly patient as I changed my mind a million times about what I felt was needed. And finally as it turns out there is less that really needs to be bought then the big bad capitalists would like you to think. Anyhow I shall move forward as a greater thought was birthed through all this satire.
As I thought about my disappointment following the illuminating discussion -and also panicking a little about how we were going to manage to find all the money for what we needed- I began to realize how this situation fit in with growing thoughts I had about gift giving in North America. The thought that overtook my mind throughout all of this is that people only care about what excites them to give. I had begun to realize this over the years when people have inquired from Nolan what I want for christmas or birthday gifts. Once someone admitted outright that they would rather buy me something else because what I want doesn't interest them or they could understand why I wanted it. Another time someone wanted to buy something for me and Nolan (being the most attentive husband ever knows my taste inside and out) tried to redirect them to something similar as befitting to my style. He did everything but tell them that he knew I didn't like that style at all and then was then told that he was wrong and that I would like the first one better.
Deep down people want to have a shared experience through the things that buy for another, something that they can both be excited about. It doesn't necessarily need to be something that they are both interested in doing, for example I have recieved many gift certificates for wool stores from people who do not knit themselves. Though they do not share my excitement for that particular craft their world view allows them to accept my excitement as a viable hobby. On the other hand finding people who can understand my excitement for anime and manga is much rarer (It helps if you open your mind to the fact that their stories stem from a different history of folktales than our own Anglo-Saxon frame of mind. Also I just find the Japanese to have a hilarious if a different sense of humour).
The problem of gift giving arises in places like that of manga and anime, when someone can't understand why this is likeable. The problem arises when a detail or a portion of a persons personality is known but perhaps taken out of context. The problem arises when we try to mash that one detail into our own worldview.Which gives rise to situations where gift giver buys the anime lover a season of Dragon Ball Z (which is like buying me organic onions just because you know I prefer my food without extra hormones and pesticides; onions are still nasty). Where dear sweet grandma buys you a sweatershirt with wolves howling at the moon because she heard you think wolves are awesome. And if grandma didn't notice that Johnny never wears nature themed clothing what a parent would or would not dress their child in can easily become obsolete. Even though there is this desire to share an experience either the gift becomes something loosely connected to a persons interest (as with the anime example) or quite often the gift becomes about what excites the giver or brings them happiness. Gifts become about the giver rather than the recipient.
Before you claim that I am being equally self focused by not appreciating the gesture of goodwill or accuse me of being materialistic because all that I care about is getting things that benefit me. Hopefully you have not read that message from what I have been saying, however if you are there are a few comments I would make and one heart of the issue that I`d like to leave you with. I will start with admittals. If my only concern was that the clothing my child will have to wear are not something that expresses my taste then yes, I am being selfish. I should consider that my child will be well clothed and not all mothers have that assurance. Also although these observations arose from giftings to me, I am not just wildly pointing my finger at everyone else. I am guilty of not endeavouring to find out another needs. While I have been in the habit of investigating desires for birthdays and Christmas, I have realized that when it comes to situations like showers I am equally guilty of giving what is convenient or pleasing to myself. I too am guilty of letting my desire to have a shared experience in gifting. This same desire pops up in my relationship with Nolan even outside of buyig him gifts. I often will become pouty because he was not as excited about an old favourite or new discovery as I am (usually food).
If either complaint (of selfishness or materialistic) were to be more true selfishness would win out. However I could see someone who is a real smartass would try to point out that I am being more of the North American materialist than grandma with her cheesy sweater. However my observations are driven by an overly functional perspective. Why would I want grandma to spend her pension cheque on a sweater that I don't want to wear. I'd be happy just to see her, she doesn't need to give me anything. If I know that most people get more clothes than baby can wear and my baby has an endless supply of hand me downs, it's needless to buy more. So why not avoid superfluous stacks of baby outfits and supply someone with things they don't have.
Besides those cursory ponderings the one thing that made me sad throughout thoughts of gift giving and how I myself have been operating in regards to showers is that despite a desire to share an experience we lose the opportunity of knowing each other better. Givers, when only giving gifts they can understand, gifts they could only like themselves, miss out on deepening the relationship with the person they are giving that gift. There is a whole other problem of gift giving in North America where when it comes to gift associated celebrations they draw up a list of the things they desire and givers just add it to their shopping list next to the eggs and milk. This isn't the aim I have in mind when hoping that people could give something that characterizes the receipiant; this method equally loses the opportunity to understand a person better.
I began to write these thoughts while my ornery pregnancy hormones were raging. Since then I have not only relaxed (despite being inedated with more baby socks than 10 infants could wear), I have also been humbled by how many people actually are concerned with our needs. However the situation did bring together budding musings. While over the years I have been saddened by how little a person knows me through a gift I have not come to these conclusions, nor am sharing them, because I feel that I am an expert gift giver. On the contrary it is because I have been blessed by an overwhelming amount of thoughful gifts (perhaps even spoiled with them) that I have come to think these things. My only hope is that now I will live up to the blessings I have received.

2010-11-16T13:28:00.000-06:00

coming home byssilence

homecoming

It has been a long time. I have been waiting, as I said a little earlier, and I'm hoping what I have been waiting for has come.

I am two weeks into sick leave and in a month and a half, with a new addition to my life, I will be on maternity leave. And while motherhood will be a joy on in its own right and I am appreciative for the extra time I have been granted to get ready for it I am hoping that this new pace of life is opening the path I have been waiting for.
There is more to come; with a little rest my brain has been revived. I remember my family used to have an commodore computer in our basement when I was a child. My brothers and I would curl up in blankets (it was cold down there!) and play the old classic games, but we always had to wait, what seemed like forever, while the computer started and then loaded the game. I feel like my brain is an old commodore starting up and the rest of me has been, impatiently, waiting.
However while I hope for an home coming of my own, there is another also waiting for theirs. And with only a little time I am rushing to prepare a place in our little condo. I have been researching all options like any nervous first parent and attempting to make the best choices. I have discovered one wonderful thing and those of you who know me will smile as it is once again a unique or 'different' item from the norm. A company (and there are a few other brands, but this one is the best I have seen) in New Zealand called Hushamok makes a hammock for babies. Besides just looking hip, it actually helps babies sleep better.
Since there is a contest on right now to win a free one (and I am fairly poor so free things are like gold to me) I'm putting in my first shameless plug. There is a link on the side to Dirty Diaper Laundry who is hosting the contest or (if there are others interested ) you can go directly to the contest page here.
Maybe if I get a baby hammock, a better rested baby will give me more time to write.

2010-05-14T20:37:00.000-06:00

still waiting by r3novatio

Waiting is hard.
Like actually waiting.
Where one can't really focus on anything else until it's actually here.
We wait for the weekend. Wait for summer. Wait for the things we look forward to.
But with these sorts of waiting in between we keep ourselves busy with our regular lives.
We wait at the doctors office. We wait in line. Wait for the things we need to get done.
These types of waiting can be closer to what I'm talking about, but even here we have magazines, games on our phones, things to intentionally distract us from our own impatience.
The waiting I felt today I have felt before and I think you might have felt it too. I waited for something I both looked forward to and felt anxious about. I tried to fill my regular day with little distractions. Little distractions that only work for short waitings. I watched the clock for an entire day. And when the waiting was finally over I felt a little like my day had really just begun. For about an hour, then I felt like going to bed.

2010-04-09T11:48:00.001-06:00

just let it go by onixa

Why is it we respond to what others say without thinking through context?
We respond to how we hear the words. How they make us feel. How they might mean if we said it ourselves or, and maybe most likely, what we fear those words are supposed to mean. We respond back to the person with all sorts of personal attachment to their words and could have avoided the selfish misinterpretation if we had for just a moment stopped to think about who is saying these words.
At most you may need to ask them to explain further. While this may cause conversations to take more time and if the other person may become frustrated to have to explain, more likely they will feel honoured that you care enough to understand and listen to their perspective and they cannot become any more frustrated than if you had assumed incorrectly the intent of their words. But really most misunderstandings could be corrected with a pause. A pause to put together the words with the person standing across from you.

I guess this is the most frustrating thing about myself lately. And it occurs mostly with Nolan. For some reason, and I do not think that I am the only one who has experienced this, marriage has torn down the reservations I have with the general public that allow me to think through the words that I am hearing. It is like that filter has just evaporated. While the stress that I have been experiencing may cause me to be more irritable and impatient, it does not explain why when I get home I suddenly stop listening with my head. There are reasons like caring more what Nolan thinks of me than the general public or that I am possibly letting the negative effects of my stress loose on him and there may be some small truth to either. However I think that when you've stripped away all the personal boundaries and become 'one' those fears you've learned to control come forth from the sidelines because there is another who could shake up all the conclusions you have come to or who may confirm something you didn't want to believe. It is not the fear that they will do these things, more the fear that they have the power to.

2010-03-03T00:10:00.002-06:00

I began thinking about ways to save money and I started to write with the idea of just jotting out a list of things to cut back on and instead I found myself dialoguing, with myself, about the matter, since I haven't written anything else lately blog readers this is all you're getting from me right now. Enjoy!

I need to think of ways to save money. Up until now I have been trying to think to ways to make money, but I think unless I can also cut some corners then whatever I make maybe won't make a big enough diffrence if that extra money is going to be spent right away.

In regards to food, I don't want to necessarily spend less for products. There are some items that I could purchase the no name brand of but I think I would rather buy better quality products. Where we could save money however is on buying less prepackaged meals and more raw materials and making meals from scratch.
Another food factor is eating out Nolan and I have already discussed eating out less. I think that fast food restaurants are probably our biggest problem. It isn't that we eat out at fast food restaurants a lot but they sneak their way in and it doesn't feel like we're going out to eat. Because it's not a fancy place I don't feel as though it should count as eating out, but despite how I feel it is still more expensive than eating at home. Much more expensive!
Then there is snacks. This is even more a useless area of spending than eating out, rather than spending more money than need be on a necessesity we're spending lots of money onsomething completely unnessesary. Something unhealthy. By no means does this I condemn delicious snacks, I love chocolate too much. What I mean to do is reevaluate how often I need it. And if I ate it less I might just savour it more when I do have it.
I guess the next bigger thing I spend money on is clothes. I have actually cut back on my clothing budget in the last few years. How I use to shop is I'd hit all of the sale racks and buy lots of clothes at super discounted prices. I got got a lot of good deals, however I would end up still spending a lot on clothes and my super discounts would either wear out within a season or two or (more likely) I would quickly grow bored with them and they'd end up in the give away pile. So I have actually spending more on each individual price of clothing, but I have been buying less and more enduring clothing. Which may equal out now in regards of cost but n the ling run I believe ( I hope) will save me more. But this really is just growing up and thinking responsibly rather than just a method of saving money. This is a movement that has been slowly maturing in me since the time that ideas of where and how our clothes are made as well combating the attitudes of our disposable society's bad habits. However today I am writing about saving money, so I will resist running down a rabbit trail ( I'll save that for another day).
Besides that two other things that has occurred to me in regards of saving money on clothes is that I need to work harder to find clothes that I like at places like the Sally Anne and value village. I sometimes find it hard at value village where they charge way too much for used clothing and hard everywhere else because the clothes are ugly. You often can find a gem but often I am too lazy to go treasure hunting.
Ok so this is as far as ibhave gotten and I am now bored of thinking about how to save money. Besides I think food and clothing are the largest areas of spending that I can change. I do spend a lot of money on wool and knitting accessories, but we all know that is just not going to change. In fact I'm hoping that I can spend more on those things in hopes of making money. I told you about the possibility of teaching knitting classes and I have also been thinking about trying to knit enough items to set up a table at the Vineyard's next art and craft show (which has quite the collection of talented artists and craftspeople, it is quite the elite affair ;D). The hope would be to make enogh of a profit to finance a knitting machine which would keep my knitting business rolling and really be the only way that I could continue to make a profit rather than just a hobbiest.
On that note I've been trying to think of a good name for a knitting blog that I would use as a central hub on info for classes products and shows I'll be attending, suggestions are welcome.

2010-02-13T01:42:00.000-06:00

for the love of knitting

since the time of my childhood I have loved to knit. And sporadically I have been able to make money doing it. But the contemplation of trying to make a living in the world of knitting never lasted long as it is an incredibly difficult endeavor. I would have to have the makings of Debbie Bliss or Suss Cousin (who knit all of the sweaters for 'The Grinch Who Stole Christmas'). While I may bot be of the knitting magnitude of these needle heroes I have been excited lately at the thought of making knitting my part time job.
I realized after my hippie church had a craft sale last November that I may have found the right community to market my skills, as not only do the people who frequent our neighbourhood love a good natural fibre-like a lucious alpaca yarn or a hardy lambs wool-but also they appreciate the quality (thus are willing to pay an appropiate price). I guess the other factor that I didn't realize years ago may have had something to do with my location is the sheer population. There is definately a larger market when you move from the Hamlet of Kerwood to the city of Winnipeg.
So. I had thought that I would perhaps start knitting some things and build up a collection of items for the next time we put on the craft sale. I wasn't in the mindset that I was going to make a lot of money, more like a Christmas bonus. That I'd give to myself. I'd knit some winter items like mittens and socks, some Christmas things (because everyone lives a hand knit Christmas stocking) and a lot of baby clothes (people really like hand knit baby things).
While I was getting exciting for this small venture, a friend of mine came along to nurture this inspiration into a much larger idea. I went out for tea and a trip to one of Winnipeg's fine wool shops with a fellow lover of the needle arts a few weeks ago and while we were browsing for wool we noticed a brochure advertising knitting classes. We faintly pondered upon taking a class together for fun as we left, but then she turned to me and proclaimed that I should be teaching classes instead of taking them. She began to get excited at the idea (which is one of the parts of her personality I absolutely adore, she gets just as excited at good ideas for other people as she would if they were for herself), she began to talk about how I could make money doing this and wouldn't be terribly stressful since it's just ladies (and maybe some men) getting together to do a leisurely activity. The idea latched itself inky brain and I began to feel nervous and excited; I've taught people to knit before but never a group, could I really make money at this?
I think I have to decided to give it a try. See if I can make this work.
I hope I can.

2010-02-02T23:37:00.000-06:00

Having a two month old kitten is akin to a two year old child. I could list all kinds of cute analagies but it comes down to two things: energy and legs.
I work as a youth care worker and one morning I took my cat, Whiskey Jack, to work. It was a Sunday morning and as any normal teenager my client slept in as long as they could. It is in moments like those that I usually attempt to catch up on some educatonal reading and enjoy the peace and quiet. However - And you knew there would be a however- I spent the entire day chasing my cat out of places he wasn't supposed to be and defending myself from his energetic attacks. While your ordinary adult cat would thwart your attempts to read by climbing directly onto your book, my wonderful toddler would instead chomp on my hands.
By the end of my shift I was exhausted, and my client had been awake for less than two hours of my shift. Although I hope that biting is not how true toddlers choose to spend their energy.

2010-01-29T11:24:00.000-06:00

In a desperate effort to get myself back to the place I once was. To get back, as Paul McCartney once wrote, to where I once belonged. I have promised this so many times over the past years. Promised myself, promised others and constantly feel guilty over the fact that the physical setbacks I have been experiencing have kept me from this. My TMJ has slowly taken all of my energy and left me feeling that working fulltime takes everything out of me. No amount of sleep seems to be enough and leaves me sluggish and disorientated. Others may not notice it , except people like Nolan who sees me everyday and has known me since before this began, however I see it, I feel it. I have a hard enough time trying to remember all of the details of my job and life, I feel as though it is impossible to keep up with basic day to day things. Likewise the bigger picture parts of my life have become a muddling mess. While it use to be second nature to me to critically ponder all aspects of life- even to an infuriating degree- now my brain cannot be bothered to think beyond the immediate. And I am inflicted with an overwhelming feeling of insignificance that affects my ability to pour out whatever straggling thouhts remain in my sloth-ridden mind. Any time I begin to write I am immediately met with questions of why. Why I am I writing this, where are guess thoughts leading to and what makes me think that they are of any consequence. Nagging questions of worth halt any desperate attempts of moving forward with what once came a little more naturally to me. While I know that this too is a product of what my body is experiencing- lack of proper sleep wears down not only a persons immune system but also with a persons fortitude against personal issues, it creates the perfect opportunity for doubt.
Lately I have begun to fear that even when this long procedure of fixing my jaw is over some of these unwanted aspects that have become part of my life may not take their leave. I fear that though I legitimately suffer through the things I have just described I use it as an excuse for laziness. I fear that things I feel are out of my co trol now will nit change later when they are in my control. It leaves me feeling desperate to do something. The fighter in me doesn't want to let the things that I love slip away. Unfortunately I have had to learn that sometimes I must accept my circumstances do what I can to survive through the storm. And as this message made it's way from my head to my heart I finally accepted that perhaps at this point in my life I may have nothing to say, but I am going to say nothing anyhow.
I hope this time that my determination to keep writing will stick and that some my nothing will steer back into something. I hope my Determination will continue to look like it does right at this moment (I am currently plunking thus entire post out on my iPod touch since my computer has died due to the mysterious destruction of it's power cord).
And even though I only have one reader left( and even she has probably given up checking my blog regularily) I will continue to post away with nothing. So Char I hope you look forward to a lot of narrative a about my cat and complaints concerning Winnipeg winters.

2009-04-26T12:50:00.003-06:00

worth your salt by aquapell

After a year and a half of fundraising, Nolan has finally begun on the adventure we've been preparing for. As we've been working toward this goal the people who have been cheering us on have been praying for and talking about my being a good support for Nolan. Lately this has been leaving me feeling a little more like my husbands lackey than a co-conspirator is our life scheme, at least in the eyes of others. Granted my own fears of being stuck in a place of ensuring whatever lackings in out family income is supplemented is most likely playing up the views I fear are coming from others.
The supportive role has been commonly played by the wife in situations like mine and Nolan's in the past and there has been nothing wrong with this kind of set up, so it would be natural to assume that I would play this part. However my own heart constantly feels a dissatisfaction with working a perfectly agreeable job. My heart crys out for more than a good paying job with the security of benefits and the possibility of promotion and it refuses to become comfortable in a place that it doesn't belong. While I'm hanging in the inbetween of knowing it craves something more but is uncertain of how to go about it or where to find it, doubts creep in. Whatever ideas that are populated in my mind, doubt encrouches upon them with it shroud of impossibility. I feel like I keep waiting for something to break loose, but wonder if I am not capable of the the things I feel inclined to do. If, perhaps, God has not intended to grace me with the tasks I believe I am to take up.
While I may have to wait for my character to be revealed, while God may need to build up the story before the reader (or the character herself) can begin to see the true potential. In the mean time I do not believe I am to patiently wait for some magic moment, I am meant to struggle. And my hope in sharing this is that I may of shake off some of my inhibitions.

2009-01-04T21:09:00.000-06:00

planting a tree by radi-ix

enviruality
        part two

In my early years of my post-secondary education I was introduced to the hot topic of Fair Trade. As a a wide eyed freshman and a person who is easily convicted I immediately felt the weight of my sweat shop shoes and wrongfully cheap coffee. I went home for summer vacation bound and determined to become exclusively slave-labour free and discovered that finding a pair of shoes that is not made in China, Indonesia or Bangladesh was not an easy task. As I peered into and under every object I considered buying my family began to cast wondering glances at each other over this new obsession with where things are made. You could imagine what a pain in the ass I would have been to shop with to someone who had never been faced with the question of where something was made when I immediately dismissed everything I looked based on one piece of criteria. And I mean
everything. At that time without researching for and shopping in speciality shops there was very little in our massive North American market that was not outsourced to a Third world Country.
Six years later shops like Ten Thousand Villages have grown in popularity and Coffee bears Fair Trade logos like a badge of honor. Those who are willing to step up to the challenge of paying more for their coffee and clothes, those who are willing to produce it at a fair price to everyone involved are to be applauded. And yet most
of the public hears the morality of Fair Trade preached from the their coffee shop barrista rather than from the pulpit. While many Christians made great efforts to improve this situation and educate others concerning it, the issue has hardly made it out of Bible Colleges and enclaves of hippie Christians.
Fair Trade and becoming environmentally friendly are issues that seem to be for Christians bearing the same course. While Fair trade may be easier to connect to the Evangelical mindset, both issues have everything to do with Christianity.God made Adam and appointed him as caretaker over creation, even to the point of handing over the responsibility of naming all the fauna and flora. And though Eve was created second, there is no indication of her being less human, only differing in her role. Unless that responsibility ended with Adam when he was booted out of paradise, unless God intended the earth to go to all hell after the life of one man, I think that what was given to man in the beginning was intended for all of mankind. Although the fall from paradise bore a grimmer outlook to the bounty and splendour
of the earth that surrounds us we are no less responsible for the upkeep of the home God gave us and care no less for those of us who dwell in it.
While I have no disagreement that the great Commandment and the great Commission are the life blood tenets that drives the Christian faith. But it seems that we have a few of our ideals at odds when we pride ourselves as God's representatives yet disregard his creation. By saying we are Christians We are saying we love God, yet we do not take care of the home that He has given us. We are saying that we love our neighbour, yet we slight others by contributing to unfair wages and unfair working
conditions.
These things are not a seperate agenda from Christian beliefs. While I respect those who have been the catalyst for the and awareness of these problems the change they have brought about I would like to berate North American Christians for not being on the forefront of these issues. As I said before many Christians have been essential to
spreading awareness of fair trade and people like Rob Bell connect the importance of
taking care of our earth with Christian concerns. But once again, these thoughts and ideals are localized and not wide spread throughout our churches. There was a time
when Christians were identified with innovation and original thought in areas spiritual and earthly, now it seems we are barely keeping up with issues that clearly
pertain to our beliefs.

2008-07-21T17:12:00.010-06:00

on the other side by gilad

enviruality

         part one

Earth Day came but once a year. At least it used to in elementary school. The older classes would put on a play about becoming more earth friendly and more than once we were all subjected to earth propaganda films starring Candace Bergren and some other maybe known actors to emphasize to children the dire need to care about the ozone layer and global warming. For our generation reduce, reuse, recycle replaced the rhymes taught to our parents of reading writing and arithmetic. While we still learned to dot our i's and the multiplication table we were also taught to separate the reusable materials and the food waste from the 'garbage'. At home on tv the muppets taught us that we should turn the lights off when we're not using them with government sponsored commercials. And as the children from the beginning days of these earth-forming ideals grow into free thinking adulthood they're thinking they can take it a step further.
Growing green has grown bigger than recycling what you use, it's grown bigger than public television commercials and a single day of kids dressed up as globes and hunks of trash. We have television networks devoted to earth friendly shows, trash cans on the sidewalk are now divvied up into the appropriate recycling bins, and consumers are urged to do away with disposable plastic bags. Turning the light off is ok, but a light with the energy saving light bulbs is better. And energy saving light bulbs are the least that you can do; why save money on your electricity bill by screwing those twisted light tubes into your fixtures when you could make money by installing solar panels on your property.
As becoming one with earth replaces just being nice to it, we as Christians seemed to be faced with whether or not this is a concern that we should take a stand on. Although it is satisfyingly easy to take a stand on something that is not only politically popular (a politically correct belief that is fadishly popular- it's not just something "most" people believe but also makes you look cooler if you're carrying a Lulu Lemon recycled, reusable bag), it is beginning to be discussed as to what kind of priority should being earth friendly take.
A few years ago I read a book called the Velvet Elvis.... well most of it.... ok at least half of it with a young adults group at a church I was going to. Velvet Elvis, written by Rob Bell, from what I remember is a book Bell wrote to look beyond past conceptions of what Christianity meant when living it out in real life.
(I'm going to pause here to tell you that I didn't read the whole book because I didn't like it. Rob Bell seems like a cool guy and he's a good writer, but since much of what he wrote wasn't new to me I usually ended up skipping through most of the chapters. And now I'll pause here to tell you that I'm not being cocky, my education just happened to cover those kinds of topics, most of you know more about calculus than I do because I never took it.) In case anyone has never read a book with a group of Christians, where as "book clubs" will read an entire book and discuss, a bible study group will take it chapter by chapter. One week came upon a chapter that broached Environmentalism and it seemed from the discussion that some of the group were surprised by its inclusion.
Environmentalism is a word which has in the past been reserved for hippies and extremists. It's a word for green peace, for people who tie themselves to trees, sit in front of bulldozers and eat tofu. And while many of these people have been admired for their efforts of making the world a better place they are also regarded as oddities and upholders of issues that lacked any relevance to real life. Like so many things that began with those who were willing to live out on a limb Environmentalism has shed away it's original connotations and like Rob Bell decided to repaint the picture of Christianity it has also been repainted. And while many people in that young adult group had grown up with the same earth friendly manner I had it was still surprising to some to conceive the word Environmentalism in the same topic of discussion as Christianity. Christianity has (and perhaps this is an evangelical viewpoint or maybe just that missionary mindset that pulses through Briercrest education) two main concerns. You know what they are. The Great Commandment and The Great Commission. Evangelicals have for the most part focused on the person or more specifically on their soul. It is only in recent history that we have widened our scopes; we realized that caring for the person is not divided up neatly, the human is a whole package of distressed spirit and waning body. If the rich in spirit can care for the soul why cannot the rich in resources care for the stomach? So we fill the hungry tummies, send them our doctors and nurses and build them proper homes. To our own and to others we share in a old testament type way until someone finally steps back and says 'what are we sadists? We give them what they need and then either leave them in self loathing for not being able to support themselves or leave them suffering because we can't afford to support us both'. And we begin to think about giving them the means to do for themselves what had been doing for them.
And now that environmentalism has shed away its old tye-dyed shirt and it's hemp pants.... and now that cool people like David Suzuki are willing to make commercials (apparantly Murphy Brown's earth-friendly school video wasn't enough for us) Christians are starting to say... wait didn't God tell us to take care of the earth?...

2008-04-16T19:08:00.003-06:00

much farther to go

I graduated almost one year ago.
I have had my hands full for so many years. Now as life begins to resemble a kind of regularity-as the stress from the hectic life behind me merely begins to unravel-I am left feeling a little lost. And also left to think about how exactly it is that I got to this point. I spent a lot time wholly concerned with what I need to do to reach the end and then after "the end" had come I was already being launched into another new stage of life. I know that life is always moving, changing. That is full of things to look forward to and goals to meet. But seeing my juggling act of educational career and working to pay the bills finally come to an end and immediately stepping into marriage and bringing together all the loose ties (aka. personal documentation and belongings in multiple provinces) into a new home.
Now that I am here, a married winnipegger with a few more degrees, as I look behind I find that it looks almost as indistinct as trying to see what lays ahead. There are some people who can remember every detail of their past but I find that the further I get from a moment the blurrier it becomes in mind, as though I am literally moving away from that point. There are some things I remember, pivotal moments in my life and bits and pieces of memory of things past linger, but many of things behind me fade away. As I said before I have been thinking about how it is I have gotten to this point, pondering on what I remember of days past and wondering about the actions and decisions that have brought me to the present. I know I am one strange bird. Even as I think about what I can remember there is much that causes me to scratch my head in wonder. Often I think about myself and feel as though I am thinking of a stranger. Some would shrug their shoulders and say that this is merely growing up; it is maturing. But many mature and do not feel alienated from their younger selves. Many mature and barely change from their younger selves. However there are many who may relate these feelings to something the Apostle Paul once wrote in a letter. He enlightened to his readers that those who choose to follow Christ, who reconcile their souls to God, become a new person and the old life they used to lead shed away like the discarded skin of an animal. Often when Paul's words are considered they are thought of with a sense of immediacy, as though the change is instantaneous. And for most there is an immediate change, but if there is one thing humanity has learnt as it has matured it is that despite the pivotal moments in our lives, in our history, the greatest change always occurs over a great deal of time. C.S. Lewis painted a picture of the journey of the soul which connects these thoughts in his book The Great Divorce. He describes how when a soul comes to the point of accepting heaven, even after reaching the gates of eternity, there is progress. Though a soul enters into heaven and perfection they learn and change. No modern person would deny that life is a progression; that idea, it is the very idea of linear time progression, beats in our minds as our hearts beat in our chest. And C.S. Lewis did not restrict his progress of the soul to the realm of heaven, rather it is an extension of what is already begun while we live on earth. And just like the pivotal moments in our life here death is a turning point in our journey and then we continue on.
I said I was left wondering how I came to be at this point, but I began with stating that there is a slight feeling of being lost. All that I had been aiming to achieve for 6 years had been accomplished, with a few unexpected 'accomplishments' as well, and it has come to that point of "what now?" "Get a job" is what we are told responsible young college graduates are to do, that is the next step in life. I think most of you reading this, knowing me, will know and understand that "what now" is bigger than the modern ideal of getting a good education so that we can get good jobs so that we can be secure and buy good houses and cars, etc. It is more of which direction, and how, my soul is progressing. Nolan and I are looking ahead to working with the youth here in the North End of Winnipeg. My heart loves possibilities and is passionate for all sorts of things; I find it easy to dream about what could be next. what now for me hopes that God will give me some post-graduate direction.

2008-04-01T19:19:00.003-06:00

the bridge between mind and matter by gilad

the bridge between mind and matter

I feel like the all the elements in my life are coming together to thwart my attempts to write.

This may seem like an exaggeration, but you're probably not surprised since I've always been a conspiracy theorist on non-consequential matters. It is although technology and small pieces of plastic have been banding together to play a practical joke that just isn't funny.

I sit down on the computer and if more than one window-internet browser or otherwise-is open it suddenly feels as sluggish as my grandfather after a potluck dinner on a hot summers day. And pens! Every one I pick up is conspicuously out of ink! And time plays tricks on me. I think now that I don't have to unpack boxes, switch legal documents over to new names and new provinces all after I'm done working a full day that I should have a few more minutes to write a few thoughts out. No! No time at all!
Of course the fact that my computer is ancient and bogged down, that I haven't bought new pens in about 2 years and that I spent a little too long watching tv last night (it's a bit of a novelty right now since I haven't had tv since I lived at home) mean absolutely nothing.

Now that I'm done ranting mostly to myself about my inability to bring myself to do what I want to do, I'll reflect more seriously.
It's been hard to write since I graduated. In fact I didn't write much in my last year at school either. I was burnt out and struggled to do the things required of me. There was nothing left for extra-curricular.
But since the last paper that I handed in just under a year ago thinking creatively, thinking at all, has ceased. I've been urging myself, even taking my journal and a pen in hand, telling myself not to let the tiredness to take away what I enjoyed. For awhile nothing came; nothing outside of daily thoughts. Here and there thoughts have come to me, ideas, plots and some ponderings. Once I'm done writing in my journal or before I can come to the computer to type it out languish creeps in-somehow it all seems not only unoriginal but more predominantly it all seems inconsequential, as though nothing that I think matters anymore- and the life of my thoughts slides away.
I have told myself that these past few years have been hard and I need some time to rest and its probably true. But small fears of slipping into laziness or those condemnations I've heard people say about "real life" (why is it that when people talk about real life or responsibilities is usually lacks life and sounds more about making ourselves comfortable and secure in material concerns?) taking over urge me not to let go of what I love, not to let it fade away.
So, I hope to have both, to rest and also to write. Since writing has always been a refuge for me this should not be a stretch. Nolan is a great encourager and has broached the idea of setting aside time that is meant for me to write. Where is the resting in this idea, I am not going to push myself to come up with anything great, in fact I may purposely write crap. And look I've already started! What I'm saying here is not a new idea, it's just where I am. The point is to allow myself the space so that when my mind and soul are ready they'll be able to say something that maybe isn't unoriginal or completely insignificant.

2007-08-01T00:11:00.002-06:00

I just found this post from 6 months ago, thought I would post it now while I work on another:

Have you ever looked back on a situation and wondered how it worked out the way it did, or why you reacted the way you did?
I'm a firm believer that life is not random and that-at least in my life-most things that have either happened because of something, or because it is leading to something, and sometimes both. Granted I can't explain everything in my life, there have been a number of instances I know have something more to them but I don't understand. And then there are even more things I just don't understand.

I'm getting married next week and amongst the amazing bustle of it all and the unfathomable amount of tiny details I wonder how it is that I managed to come to be marrying this man. I look back and see a strange dance that brought me to this beautiful moment and though there was a great deal of painful or frustrating situations, I wouldn't chance changing a single detail if it altered what God has given me in this moment.

People have said it before. You've heard it in those chick-flicks and Disney cartoons, the cheesy line about how one person wouldn't change a single thing in their life if it meant never having known whoever it is they're in love with... or if they were given the choice they'd do it all again just to be with them.

But I'd like to move beyond my cheesiness (truly it is my medium, not my message, at least right here) and focus on the curiosity of outcomes. How strange it is that there are so many instances when if you had reacted or decided differently-and it could've been plausible for you to do so- that might have changed what is now happening in your life. Or perhaps not, perhaps one's maturity and circumstance governed the decisions they have made, which is not to cut God out of the equation, He chooses when to teach enlighten His children.

So I suppose this could boil down to the same old philosophy argument about fate or destiny, or as Christians see it the struggle between God's plan and man's choice, that I (and many others) have repositioned in daily experience.

2007-03-27T13:14:00.000-06:00

til the morning after
by aquapell

Strange how the some of the best things come in the darkest times of your life. You bear through with a full knowledge that everything is not well. Even despite a spark of optimism (whether somewhere within you or an outside contribution) proclaiming that good things can come from the trials we endure something other occurs within it all. Something that even if you had been given the opportunity to find some way around what you are (or had) gone through, you might have given up the great life lessons but you endure it all again for that one thing that came of being in that place. I think most of us have been in that place, I know I've been there more than once.

I feel like I have been hovering around a comatose state of my soul and mind. I know I am there but I feel like I am asleep, reverting to basic life motions until that allow me survive through to the end. And as the end steadily moves into the present there seems to be the smallest beginnings of awakening. Like the deep sigh that comes when we see that spring is finally breaking the bounds that winter has held is the sigh in my heart. However, the flourishing of revitalization is only being approached, the end is only in sight, not actually here. Soon. And one can only hope that when a new phase of life has burst forth, though endured for that one cherished element, all the great things encountered come to fruition.
And that cherished element can be enjoyed as fully as he was appreciated in darker hours.

2007-02-28T01:57:00.000-06:00

something better & something lost

Someone once asked me if I could wish for three things what would it be? Not a difficult question, there is no tree falling in the woods or one hand clapping, it is the kind of thing people ask each other for conversation sake all the time. At that time I think I responded with my student debt paid off, a car, and the third thing escapes me. But reflecting on those two parts of my answer the heart of what I was asking for was freedom. I was asked by a co-worker at the college cafeteria that I worked for, and I was sort of stuck there. There aren’t many places to work in a village that exists because of the Bible College that is there, but I did good considering the options I had. Though I managed to obtain a pretty good job, I was still stuck. With some student debt racked up and no way of getting anywhere to get a better job I suppose I felt trapped. However, the questioner did not see this in my answer; he merely shot back as soon as I responded, “So you wouldn’t cure cancer?” He thought he was being smart and witty, and left right away to let his savvy answer sink in. But I stood there a moment and after thinking about it I said to my self—since there was no one else to talk to—“no, no I wouldn’t”

This probably seems cold hearted to some. Selfish to others. But it seems to me that after considering humanity through history, curing cancer, one of the most insidious diseases we battle with, wouldn’t be that much of a feat. We have cured many debilitating diseases before it, and even if we did cure it, something else would kill us. If it isn’t cancer, it could be the avian bird flu, maybe even SARS. I respect the medical profession, rely on it; I admire man’s ability to treat, control and fight diseases like cancer. And I think that missionaries might be better met if our culture could share more of its medical knowledge. But wishing away a problem like cancer seems more like wishing to live forever. I guess the question that I would be getting at here is would curing something as invasive as cancer make life better or just make life different?

And if we did make life better, physically, would it be better in every respect? Humanity over thousands of years has spent attempting to perfect and improve all aspects of humanity, and we weren’t always making forward steps. Through this process one idea has arisen; if we attempt to perfect something do we perhaps lose something greater? The same question applies to curing cancer, or curing any such crippling disease, if we achieve bodily perfection would we lose something else? Would we lose all of the good things we have seen, and even more of the good things we have never even realized by making everything perfect as we see it?

My student loans are greater now, but I do have a car. And I think if I was asked again I’d still like them to be paid off. If money had been no object, however, I wouldn’t have changed much of what I did. I would have done it with less stress since I wouldn’t have had to work through school (but that same conclusion still stands, would something else have been lost). But I cannot see the course of humanity, my belief in God leads me to a belief in the fate of humanity, but I am not so pompous to believe that I know how we will get there. My belief in God also leads me to believe that He sees the big picture. And since He sees this I would trust what He presses on my heart to do. It occurs to me that perhaps I’m benefiting humanity more by following Him where he asks me to go than by solving the problems I think need to be fixed. If you don’t believe in God, than this could just seem like a cop-out answer, that I’m just doing what is in my heart just like everyone else and calling it God. Perhaps, that is a discussion for another time. The question that still remains is how do you know that what you’re wishing for is truly a benefit? Perhaps one person being freed of debt could be of greater profit to humanity than curing disease.

2007-01-19T19:03:00.000-06:00

nicht wuerdig by astormcrow

'not worthy'

I'm sitting at my computer, I have been most of the day, occasionally interrupted by wandering, walking, washing and a nap. There is something depressing about spending the entire day by yourself trying to motivate yourself to work on something that isn't immanently due, and having nothing at the end of the day to look forward to. My roommate is gone, she was only here for an hour or so, and I was working on this blasted paper. My fiance is far away building houses. I can't find Laila's number so we can hang out. I talked to my Dad for a bit, but nothing is new, so there's nothing to talk about except the cost of fixing one's car and the snow.

I'm writing my 'positional paper', which is what every Bachelor of Arts graduate must write in order for Briercrest to allow you to officially graduate. While it is fantastic that I'm writing it, it means the end is in sight, I'm so tired, worn out, and bored with homework that it's hard to focus on summarizing the nature of God and the identity and work Christ into a hundred words or less, with Scriptural backing...But as I said, the end of my schooling is in sight, and that is a relief. I've enjoyed most of my time at Briercrest. And even the times I didn't enjoy I know were crucially important for learning.

When I was in elementary school I used to do cross country running. Every one of you probably has heard me refer to myself as athletically challenged, I wasn't anymore athletic then than I am now, although I probably had more stamina then. I'm not exactly sure why I kept doing it every year, it could be because my sibling were all athletic. I wanted to live up to that standard and cross country running was the only thing that didn't require tryouts. I usually started off well, feeling pretty good just for being there and trying, but it never lasted long, I usually became exhausted pretty quickly and always came in with the last slaggers at the end.

I seem to have a little more perseverance when it comes to handling stress or juggling things (such as a lot of hours at work and courses with high expectations and work loads), but I'm beginning to feel kind of like I did when I was running those races. There came a point when I grew tired, and came to end of what seemed a unending perseverance. Every person has a breaking point; I've come to that point before and I came to find it again recently, but just as before God has raised me and given me enough to make to the end. And though last summer I looked forward to graduation as freeing me to adventure the world on my own, God knew I'd need something more to get me through the year, and gave me something to look forward to when I was done.

Now if I could only keep in mind that I am incredibly privileged and undeserving of all that God has handed me. That I only have 3 more months to get through what he asked me to come here for, and that He is faithful to carry me through what we began, I might be able to get through these last few papers.

know hope by gilad
It's when you feel there is no hope,
That you should really dig in,
And know hope

2006-10-16T18:50:00.000-06:00

"it seems rather over due"

...and you're thinking, yea you haven't posted in months . You are so single minded!
This delayed entry is a post full of things rather overdue.

When I saw the above picture I told Char that I would use on a post when my relational status had changed from single. It just looked so cute and stereotypical for twitterpated fools, so there it is picturing to the world the fireworks in my heart (note the little one in the right bottom corner, a pink heart, how appropriate).

However when I said that, I did not have any one in mind, in fact I had gotten used to the idea of the single life and had started thinking about adventures I could take when I had graduated (or at least what to do with myself when I had no particular attachments). It came rather as a surprise to my heart, not only because I grown accustomed to my state, but also because it was something I thought God had denied long ago never to be revived again.

I like surprises.

Rejecting singlehood is not exactly what seems overdue however, but perhaps finally working things out with the one that I rejected it for. And none were surprised. But you have all heard about that. What else is overdue?

Graduation. It's coming in 6 months, and I can say that I've never looked forward to it more than I do now. Being in school is hard for me this year. Last semester held the finishing blow on my academic heart and now I have no desire for homework, classes, or assignments. My love of learning has been numbed, at least in a formal way, and while I've always been easily distracted, now there is no studiousness left to hold me to my assignments. This numbness tells me that my tired brain thinketh that graduation is rather overdue.

Besides those overdue items, life has been all right, hectic though. I've been keeping up substantial hours at work, so between that and school... less spare time than I'd like is left. It's been good living with Amy, she Ashley and I have been scheming and dreaming with a book I found.

mwa ha haa, soon I will be consuming all your old t-shirts and wearing them as skirts and using them to make bags. Anyhow I have a greek assignment due tomorrow... maybe if I walk towards where my books are I it might be done soonish. Here's hoping I post with something else before another two months is up!
Thanks for sticking with me.

2006-07-26T16:13:00.000-06:00

the little albino by gilad

snubbed, snobbed, and coolness factors

I don't think I've ever been snobbed by a farm kid was the first thought that occurred to me.

Then I realized that was a lie, I had been snobbed by farm kids plenty of times. Perhaps I should explain what I mean by snobbed. It is not snubbed, that is a completely intentional slight by people who deeply and truly snobs. snobbed is what otherwise cordial individuals do in a moment of snobbery. Something we've all done in order to seem cool.

The other night I was snobbed by a farm girl once again, it's nothing that's going cause my life to come crashing down like a burning aircraft in sky. And nothing that'll stop me from getting excited to pet a cow in the future (or any other animal for that matter), or from playing 'hey cow' every time I drive by a pasture. I live in the country, not on a farm nor in the city, so I regularly get snobbed on by both parties. I think I'm getting used to it. It does, however, cause my mind to go hmph, and wonder at the silliness that we all commit from time to time or, more often, time and time again.

Please, do me a favour, the next time you hear me snob someone for the sake of looking cool- because I've done it, I do it, and it will inevitably happen again- nudge me and whisper, "jo, don't snob others, it's just not cool."
I'll try to do the same for you.

But speaking of things that are no longer cool, (because somewhere along the line soccer "became the new baseball") I went out and bought a new baseball glove today. Now I just need to find someone else who likes to throw around a baseball. What is more embarassing though, is the ball that I bought to go with it. I went to the bin of hardballs and saw one that was beige compared to the rest of the white balls. I will buy you because you are beige I said in my mind to the little ball, and proceeded to the cashier. Yes I picked a ball because of it's colour, just be glad I do not do this with every purchase decision that I make, but the story gets better. When I got there the cashier had to call up the sports department to get the price on it and as she's reading out the info that's printed on the ball I realized that I had picked out a t-ball instead a hardball. It was actually printed in large letters on the side of the ball.

For those of you who missed out on the baseball-is-cool phase of life a t-ball is a softer ball made for little kids so they don't hurt themselves, usually placed on a stationary stick so the kid can hit it easily instead of having to aim a flying ball. Anyhow I brought it over to Joe's Place and Joe got so excited about it that I'm going to swap him for one of his hardballs. It'll be put to better use with his little girl and perhaps even with some of the teens here who aren't as catch-savy as this former baseball star. (you'll note that I played on a girls team with the longest losing streak in the area... still, I wasn't terrible.)

2006-07-08T00:04:00.000-06:00

coming                                and                   going         by dmack

transition

My roommate is moving out. It's not that she doesn't like me, she's going back to Ontario. Our flat has been a bit chaotic, and I had to go buy a new can opener. (Ha, I know this sounds so girly or momish, but that is seriously the best can opener, cuts through metal like buttah.)

My house will once again quiet, another roommate come and gone, and we never did get to fixing the kitchen (It's had wallpaper that looks like it belongs in a child's bedroom since we moved in, white with multi-coloured hearts all over it). I like her, I'll miss her.

She heads out Sunday afternoon, and after that I'll start slowly moving into the smaller bedroom and finaggling with the furniture to make it work for a new roommate. Amy is moving in with me in the fall, I'm excited for that, I like her.

So. If you're calling me, call my cell, I've disconnected the landline. And this also means that I won't frequenting the net as much at least for the next 2 months. It was short lived, but blissful. And pray for me and pray for Amy, we have moving and finaggling to do and transition is tiring. Exciting but tiring.

2006-06-30T13:33:00.000-06:00

holy light by gilad

absence makes the heart grow fonder

It is no mystery that God's thoughts to us are a mystery. And no secret that we are constantly trying to divulge the understanding of those mysteries. Have you ever wondered if God allowed something, let a person choose a path because it avoided a choice of worst disaster?

Of course you have. Everyone has. Even the biggest pessimist has a spot of optimist pondering, even if it is only a momentary flicker.
What I wonder right now is if we can consent to that idea, even for a flicker, can we consider that God may let us walk on paths that are likely to destroy us. Maybe He lets us because He wants us to choose, maybe He guides us to it because he has a plan we don't understand. But in either case the strange thought that occurs to me is that optimism can be the worst attitude in those situations.

There is a wonderous paradox about humanity that I wonder gets lost in our optimism. It is the challenges that create beauty and depth. It is the things that should break us that are what make us alive. We want life to be beautiful, we want everything to be good and peaceful, so we try to find it at every moment. Are we trying too hard? Are we just tiring ourselves out?

Many who study the Bible debate exactly how it is that man is created in God's image. A thought that wanders in and out of my head is that perhaps it is in paradox that we are like God. God who is the Three and One, who is the epitome of the beauty we seek and also the so fearsome that we cannot bear to behold all of His glory. But then again we can see this touch of paradox throughout all of God's creation, throughout all of nature. We idealize it, take pictures, paint it, admire it for the beauty and wonder that it contains. A mountainscape, a forest, a dessert, any sea, lake or river. We focus on the beauty and forget the disaster and periliousness that those things so easily contain. Get lost in a forest, or try to climb a mountain unprepared, you risk death; those who know what they are doing in a forest or on a mountain know that they are putting themselves on the line.

Whether we choose our own disaster or are bound to a path may be a mystery we never completely understand, but wherever we may walk, like a phoenix from the ashes, God raises beauty from disaster. Whether we fail miserably now, or succeed by whoevers' terms, we're told the story ends the same. God conquers all. Enjoy disaster, let satan have his destruction, because as Jesus us showed us there is something significantly more triumphant from admitting circumstances aren't ideal and surviving it than having been spared from or finding the bright side of circumstance.

2006-06-26T16:05:00.000-06:00

dead fruit by coxi

"You don't make Christianity look good, you make rock look worse"
Hank Hill

Something can be labelled "Christian" and not be true or good...

It is possible for music to be labelled Christian and be terrible music. It could lack creativity and inspiration. The lyrics could be recycled cliches. That "Christian" band could actually be giving Jesus a bad name because they aren't a great band. It is possible for a movie to be a "Christian" movie and to be a terrible movie. It may actually descrate the art form in its quality and storytelling and craft. Just because it is Christian book by a Christian author and it was purchased in a Christian bookstore doesn't mean it is all true or good or beautiful. A Christian political group puts me in an awkward position: What if I disagree with them? Am I less of a Christian? What if I am convinced the "Christian" thing to do is to vote the exact opposite?

Christian is a great noun and a poor adjective

Thank you Rob Bell.

(From his book Velvet Elvis)

2006-06-18T21:44:00.000-06:00

from the book of wisdom by gilad

Bandaid solutions

We keep writing to solve our problems. We write to share the burden. To talk about problems. We keep writing to better life. We write to fill the gaps. To better our minds. We keep writing as a path to guide our souls. We write to evangelize. To deepen spiritual our spiritual lives.

Writing, writing, writing. We keep reading books searching to identify, searching for solutions. We expand our crusade into other medias, maybe for those of us who are too busy, or too lazy to read. We search for in tv programs, help-groups, and even in church do we provide a format for easy steps to following God and overcoming problems. We create programs, make videos, if you have a problem there's some one out there that you've never met who knows exactly what you've been through. Except they don't know you. As much as you may feel like the people around you don't understand you, or what you're going through, some person writing a book who's never seen your face can't hold a candle to knowing you.

For all the gloriousness of the North American lifestyle there are gaps in our lives. There are things that we're just not doing right and we're filling it with newer shinier things, we're filling it with a brand new program, a book, video series. We create things to create community, we create things to fix broken families, we create things to tell others about God, we create things to fill the inadequacies that we don't like. But for all of our honest efforts we're not doing much good, while we keep ploughing foward we don't realize what we leave behind. While we are creating to try and control our downfalls, to make life as bright and shiny as we dream it to be, to reach utopia, we loose the beauty of disaster.

You may find it ironic that I write to say this. I have no problem with books and inspiration writing. I love C.S. Lewis I do not have a vengence against media... I use msn and email to talk to friends that I can't see. I do have a problem with trying to create community, but I'll admit that I for some reason hang out with a group of people get together to read a 'motivational' book so that we can be a 'community'. The problem is that we rely on these methods, we rely on these modes of connecting, we rely on our own institutions, instead of the institutions that have already been created. We don't want to hear wisdom from our parents, we don't want community with the annoying little kids who aren't as mature as we are. We want to hang out with people who know what we're going through, so we create youth groups and college and career, we create small groups and kids clubs. There we can identify and choose to be held accountable with others. Heaven forbid that we be forced to identify with the senile old man or our little brother.

2006-06-09T15:19:00.000-06:00

hide n seek by gilad

you can stop holding your breath...

well I can't say that I've had a desperate longing to have the internet at my fingertips, I've actually enjoyed the break from having a computer constantly on in my bedroom. But since the internet is cheap in the jaw and checking my email once a day for a few minutes at home sure beats spending 2 hours at Joe's trying to blog and reply to emails every week I am back in action with the internet at home. Really you've only had to bear with my absence for 2 months.

that's all I really have to say. just hello and it's good to be back after a lil' vacation.

2006-06-06T17:05:00.000-06:00

time shift by ssilence

it's just a piece of glass

well, I started working the grave shift at Smitty's. This work out very well...or it could be very bad. We'll find out after a week or two.

But as promised I have something more substantive for you.

Have you ever noticed how dependant we are on mirrors?
We mount them in every bathroom, most usually find them in hallways or entryways.
We spend countless hours staring at ourselves in them.
And when we come acrossa bathroom that doesn't have a mirror or find ourselves without a bedroom mirror, we find it odd, even annoying.

I like mirrors. I like how they can make my little living room look larger by it's wide reflection. (We have a hot full length mirror in our living/dining room that we fixed up from Joe's Place) I love the crazy things that we can do with them. Place two mirrors across from each other and the world between becomes endless within their frames.

But I do wish I'd spend less time in front of the mirror looking at myself.

This is in no way intended to be a revolutionary thought, but:
people for thousands of years (no exaggeration) have lived out their daily lives without having to look in a mirror. Let alone needing to look into one every time they go to the bathroom.

How did we develop this bizarre dependency on a peice of glass?

If I was perhaps more over-zealous I might go take down the mirrors out of my bathroom and bedroom. Actually I wouldn't put it past myself, except that it might bug Juliana, and really it is I that is the problem, us that is the problem, not the glass.

2006-05-24T19:30:00.000-06:00

the cherry tree by gwarf

Outside my childhood bedroom there grew a lilac bush. Hundreds of tiny purple flowers on each branch from which comes the most intoxicating scent my nose has ever encountered. They come and fade too quickly, but they always come back again. Above is not a picture of lilacs, not in the least but I don't have a picture of lilacs...

Moose Jaw is covered in lilacs, at least in my corner of Moose Jaw. And it occurred to me today as I was dazzled by all the purple and white, that Lilacs are indeed my favourite flower. When the question of what one's favourite flower is comes around somehow my mind searches through what would be found on the shelves of a florist shop rather than spanning the selection that nature holds. Perhaps because when we think of favourite flowers we think of it in terms of what we would like someone to buy for us. I looked to what man has tamed and mass produced rather than to all that God has created. Then again perhaps attempting to narrow one specific choice from all the variety is equally ill-focused rather than enjoying all flowers.

I still like Lilacs a lot

(but I wouldn't be disappointed if I was given a dozen roses, or oriental lilies, or calla lilies, or daisies... so I wouldn't be disappointed if I was given flowers, although I might be slightly bewildered if I was given a bunch of thistles.)

To answer a few questions that I've been asked. I'm working at Smitty's, and ... well I forgot the rest of the questions I was asked. Anyhow. I'm going home to sew myself a new shirt. I'll have something to feast your minds upon soon, I promise.

2006-05-18T14:40:00.000-06:00

vitamine c by coxi

life in the jaw

I've lived in Moose Jaw a month and a half and summer is on the way. Today I submitted the post work on my mod. I'm free! really FREE! Let the summer begin!

To celebrate my new found freedom I finally cleaned my car. It was kinda gross. I vaccuumed, and I washed the inside and washed the outside... Subulba is as hot as a rusty subaru loyale is ever going to get.

I've also been sick, actually I've been fighting some infections this past semester, but the doctor put me on anti-biotics these past two weeks, and after visiting him again today a more different kind of anti-biotics for these upcoming weeks. This posts art piece is to celebrate the getting better process.

Work is going good. I made tips for the first time on Wednesday.

So that's a little update. Now that I've got a little more time perhaps I will post a fantastic rant someday soon.

2006-04-17T10:36:00.000-06:00

standing still by gilad

Alienation

A friend last week was talking about feeling lonely, and I don't know why but it surprised me. Surprised that anyone could feel lonely with people always around them. Perhaps I banked a little too much on having a roommate who was excited to hang out and do roommate things together. Perhaps I hoped too much that the problem these past couple years was the lack of roommate closeness. But somehow I managed to elude the memory that the alienation that I live with, doesn't come and go with more or less people. Doesn't even come and go with the "right kind of people"; people I "feel" comfortable with.

But how could I have forgotten? How did I manage to dilute myself to thinking that a lack of presence was to blame? Maybe I just didn't want to face the fact that it is always there. It does not matter how long I have known someone, or how often I hang out with them. I cannot fight being an outsider, never completely being a part, it never leaves. People have told me that everyone goes through these feelings, everyone feels lonely, everyone feels like they don't belong.
This is crap.
This isn't just lonliness.
This is always being the odd one out. You've seen it. You've said it. I don't quite fit. Perhaps this is why I try so hard to make thing in my life inclusive, on trying to share with as many as I can. Because standing on the outside blows, I don't want anyone to feel this; but then again perhaps I'm just trying to buy my own way in by including others.

Doesn't it seem strange? Or just to ironic? that a girl who seems to engage with others easily, talks too much, and is willing to discuss all matter of things iwth interest feels like an outsider to every group of friends she's ever had?
Don't tell me I'm not alone.
Telling someone who always feels on the outside that they should take comfort that there are others like her is like telling introverts they should band together so they can talk about how they feel. But I guess there's another answer isn't there?
It's my fault.
I've chosen this.
If I just try harder.
Yea, I've heard that in my own head a million times, and I've heard it from others enough times. Maybe I am the problem. Maybe it's a mental disorder. Maybe it's because I am just as weird and crazy as people joke that I am.
You may be thinking that you were more right then you knew when you told me so. You may be just rolling your eyes. Even if you hadn't said it'd still be there, it'd sill be true.
So I guess I lied to my friend in a way, by being surprised by lonliness. It was unintentional. Lonliness is a side-effect of alienation, sometimes it bugs you, sometime it doesn't. Right now, it's bugging me.

2006-04-11T10:36:00.000-06:00

listen by ciril

Do we actually read and listen to the things about us, or merely look at and hear words? While some of us emphasize the message behind the medium, quite often the only thing that we can do, and perhaps are hard pressed to admit, is listen to words like notes in a song for the only thing we can understand from them is that they are sound. Or look at them like art on the wall for the only thing we can know for sure is that they are visible. We judge their form and function and are so focused on how they fit together that what those words were really meant to say to you are a mystery lost upon most.

2006-04-01T21:03:00.000-06:00

sensing by garrit

fragrant future

how often have we tasted something completely new? On one hand we have a most wide variety of cultural dishes and international foods, especially in Canada where people cling to national backgrounds and the favorite foods that come from them. Then again, on the other hand, most of what we have in North America sugared modifications and usually what is *new* is just different blends of familiar flavours.
I was in the grocery store last week and found a fruit called a pummelo, it looks like a giantic grapefruit. I cracked it open, peeled off chunk after chunck of yellow skin, and pulled away the spongey cushion. And as I did an entirely new scent, and some pummelo juice, met my nose. The fruit was like a grapefruit, only it was sweet. But the smell, the smell was wonderful. It was fragrent like flowery perfume, with no alcohol base to tint the flavour. It overtook my nose, it overtook my senses, charging a new path in the memory banks of my brain. I do not know how long I stood there sniffing the rind of this fruit, but I do know the scent was all over my hands. I kept sniffing them wondering if I could buy this fruit and use it instead of perfume.

I move tomorrow. The next few weeks will be a little wonky as I finish up the semester, and my house is a disaster (so many things to take care of and clean up!). Although it is not a stark change into something completely unknown, life is going to look very different. It will the opposite from last summer, where I spent many hours in solitude, to being closer to more of my friends than I ever have been outside of school. I have no intention of keeping an internet connection. I did that last summer, but now it is more indefinate. I think I will like the break from it being so readily available; it is an easy distraction. And I will still have access at other places (so write emails, all of you!!). I'm not completely done with Briercrest, but my connection with it will certainly be less prevalent since I won't be living in the school's back yard. Those are just a few distinctions.

If you've known me very long than you have more than likely heard me protest against the idea of changing one's surroundings in order to deal with challenges or disasters that face us. It's an understandable and easy reaction to want to be rid of anything that reminds us of less than favourable circumstances, and in our society we can easily change, easily avoid, those things; I think it is the ease with which this can be done is what bothers me. That same changability that rightfully removes a women from an abusive husband allows a worker or friend from resolving conflict. If less of us are forced to 'buck up', so to speak, less of us will. Granted we can't take every bull by the horns, there are things we just need to walk away from. But perhaps I am just inexperienced at life and conflict and truly dispairing situations to speak on the subject.
In any case, all that is leading up to the thought that I am leaving here with a heart that is slightly more resolved in some of the conflicts that have arisen. Although circumstances may not be rectified, I am relieved to be released from some of my own 'demons', faults, and failures before facing a new adventure. Before letting something else completely suffuse my senses.

2006-03-28T09:58:00.000-06:00

the meeting point by gilad

when all is said and done

A friend recently asked me what I want from the 80-100 years of my life, and I couldn't readily give him an answer. Perhaps it is God's hard work upon my heart to take one day at a time. Perhaps it is because my mind thinks of 60 years down the road as too far away to even imagine what could happen within it. But when I think of what I want from the time that I will spend on earth my mind finds it difficult to pinpoint what I could culminate from all of this. There is so much to want, so much to focus our lives at working at. It does not have to be a profession, although it is tempting to think of it that way. When one speaks of what we are going to make of ourselves it is tempting to think of a profession to devote ourselves to. But life is more than that, and I think many people realize that hopefully sooner rather than later.

There was once a time when we could say that our profession was who we were, you were a blacksmith, farmer, lawmaker or keeper; a seamstress, midwife, or basket weaver. Though this was their unchanging designation, it was not all a person was. They were still, father, mother, child, neighbour, and friend. The blacksmith could still be described as whether or not he was an honourable man, or discerning father. The seamstress could still be deemed a loving woman, or a keen mother. Now we still easily define ourselves by our occupations, but it seems to be less of a consistent standing. All this rambling to say, whatever occupation befalls us, whether we are devoted to just one, or whether it is ever changing, there is more that defines us.

When you think about what you want from life over the 80 years that you will be here what do you think of? Do you think about what your schooling has trained you for? Do you think about having a family? Buying a car, a house, a nice backyard? I thought about it... I'd like a backyard, a backyard with people, people I can't get rid of, people who drive me nuts. I've thought about those options. The image of becoming an old women with grandchildren, all their friends, and the neighbourhood kids to bake cookies for, resounds favourably in my mind. But really I cannot hope for then more than what I hope for now (ok I am already baking cookies for all the neighbourhood kids, or at least the boys next door. In fact now that I think of it, my life is filled with people who drive me nuts, people I can't get rid of. I do my best to return the favour), but more to the point, that what I hope for would be closer to what the aged philosophers would have called a happy life. Whether I die today, or 60 years from now, what I want from life is have left behind a trace of God's grace. Whether my years here have turned out tragedies or blissful existence the day I die I hope to leave here having followed God. This I would hope would bleed into every aspect of my existence.

Good Bible College student answer, right? Bah. I suppose that is why the answer can't really be given until after I die. I can give the good answers all I want, anyone can aspire to speak the answers that we like to hear, but is seemingly impossible to live up to. We become tired of such answers, much like many of you have probably become tired reading this. We all say a lot, trying to talk ourselves to the answers, but it's mostly things we’ve heard before. I'd be surprised if a quarter of the people who view my posts actually read beyond the first few lines. I doubt I've said anything much different than what I've said before, and I know I cannot have said anything different than anyone has said before. But there it is; when I die you'll be able to test and verify whether I have lived what I hoped to get... or give... from my time here.

2006-03-22T22:03:00.000-06:00

words by ssilence

Trailer talk

I am taking down the quote wall as I'm slowly cleaning up and cleaning out my house. I thought I would post the quotes for all to enjoy, especially those who used to frequent the quote wall here and the fridge next door. There are some from past years... I'm trying to remember more of them but I'm having trouble, so if you can remember one that I have forgotten drop a comment and add to the collection! (or if I've quoted it wrong, correct me!) (especially quotes like Nolan's quote about being the emperor of hell...)

(the lack of backstory makes some of these funnier, and slightly questionable... if curious as to context leave a message and I will explain)

You don't make Christianity look good, you make rock look worse. ~Hank Hill

Screwing... is what I do. ~Tony Creech

It's ok to be girly, it's not ok to be stupid. ~jo

He's all Kant, all the time. ~Tim Hildebrand

I hope he marries someone twice his size who beats him regularily. ~overheard by Eric while sitting in class

When you see a yak in love coming straight at you, you better run man, I mean you better run! ~Cupid

I may be weird, but I'm not a pervert. ~Vickie

It's fagificient! ~jo in a dyslexic reference to June Ann's rainbow head scarf

You! You look militant! What size are your feet? ~Joe Dueck

I'm going to go back to smashing my nuts with a hammer. ~Adam

Corruption keeps us safe and warm. ~some texan politian in Syriana

The most beautiful part of my body is my lower intestine. ~jo

There's nothing like looking when you want to find something. ~Gimli

Girls are all nurses at heart, they need a project to work on. So guys, if you want to get a girl, be damaged. ~Chuck Keim

If I were gay, I could do better then you! ~Terry to Eric

If I had boobs I'd use them for good. ~Barnd

You could never be butch, you're estrongen embodied. ~Bekah to jo

You're going to shoot a lobster with an airsoft gun!?! ~ sarah? to curtis? i can't quite remember

Freedom defined is freedom denied. ~Emma Goldman or Red Emma
(written on my wall by mysterious hitchikers that Dezzie and Carlyle picked up)

There ain't no such creature. ~Joel From (you have to know him for that to be funny)

Just give me an axe, I'll prove my womanly worth! ~jo

Hey, do you sew? ~Eric's famous icebreaker line

Apples huh? ~Ed's famous icebreaker line

Long lineup for the milk eh? ~ Someone else's famous icebreaker line (Andrew?)

Parents who try to raise perfect children are certain to raise neurotics." R. Greenleaf

Kissing a man without a mustache is like eating an egg without salt. ~Rudyard Kipling

I just realized that that's not a shirt. ~jo to Curtis in reference to his hairy chest

2006-03-22T21:32:00.000-06:00

virginal white embrace by niko schroth

a holier language?
*warning: this post contains explicit language not suitable for persons with sensitive ears...

The issue of language seems to have become an issue not only between Christians and non-Christian , but also as an issue amongst believers. Perhaps its always been an issue among us and it I am just slow to realize it, but it had always been impressed upon me that there is a proper, a holier, way for Christians to speak and that swearing was disapproved of by God.
Over the years I've heard people give testimonies as to their effect on the unbelievers around them. Excited over the fact that others will cease swearing in their presence, often said to be brought on by respect, many use this as an example of God impacting the unbelievers around them. We seem to pride ourselves on "clean speech" using verses like Mark 7:20-23 as Scriptural proof: "What comes out of a man is what makes him 'unclean.' For from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from the inside and make a man 'unclean.''' (lewdness means obsolete: evil, wicked, sexually unchaste or licentious.)
We equate using cusswords as being unclean, equate it as not having control of their tongues ( James 3), we equate it with not being able to control our temper. While cursing is used in cases of letting anger control us, it does not necessarily mean it is a uncontrolled tongue. A man who can cease swearing in the presence of disapproving Christian man is controlling his tongue, he only selects the time when he chooses to cease. I wonder if perhaps our Christian impressions on language is rather a matter of refined and unrefined; of proper language as an issue of 'proper people' not proper Christians. Perhaps we are just being pompous fools.
Over the years that I've worked in different drop-in centres with teens I've noted, and have heard it discussed, that the kids may stop swearing, and perhaps they respect us, but as to the deeper impact made on the lives around us, well perhaps it is only their habits that are being shaped, and not their hearts and not their minds, and not their souls.
I'm not vindicating swearing. I'm not saying that we should all start trying to identify with the unbelievers we've isolated from us with our speech by cussing like sailors. What I'm saying is let's stop fooling ourselves, let's stop being snobs. We could begin by identify the stupidity of Christianese. Part of what some have termed Christianese is safetied swearing. I know it is not only Christians who do this, but perhaps they need to think about this as well. We use shoot or sugar, instead of shit. Flipping, Freaking, or even effing instead of fuck. And what is it that makes crap a more appropriate swear word? Some have caught on that this does not make us better, we're swearing just like everyone else, we yell them out when we've stubbed our toe or are frustrated; we're just using nicer words.
I repeat I am not vindicating swearing, I want us to cease thinking of inner purity and righteousness in such shallow, superficial terms. I find that we can express ourselves in better terms than swearing every other syllable, although sometimes a word is just appropriate (such as the word ass when describing my friend Adam, even he has admitted this... on several occasions).
Sometime ago I realized this, and began to stop caring, stop being prudish about language, and I will guiltily admit that there are few things so amusing as watching a friend's face when an innocent, childlike, girl tells him he's bullshitting her, in a Bible College bookstore. My fun has been had, I've learned to let go of Christianese, I've learned how to, appropriately, not give a damn. Now for the sake of finding a better language, I think perhaps it is time to rein it in, now that I'm not a snob.
Perhaps we as Christians do not need to use language carefully, not because it is indication of being pure, but because we should seek to actually attempt solve the anger, lust, the slander, and arrogance in our hearts, to actually control our tongues, to actually seek how to express to one another in clear words what we mean and what we feel.

2006-03-15T01:00:00.000-06:00

SimpliCity by gilad

something new
I've finally finished the brunt of my tough papers and assignments. A few things are left before the end, but a brake from the mandate of assignments is long overdue, since I have been unceasingly working from the beginning of the semester. Granted I've had days of funtimes and moments of bliss, but there was always homework waiting for me at the back of my mind.

While these large assignments are done and sitting here waiting to be handed in I am beginning to prepare for something new. I'm indulging my obsession (like many people) in Jack Johnson's music (and some Ben Harper) and dance-cleaning the house while singing about banana pancakes. The much needed cleaning of my house and some more packing of my belongings.

I have too much stuff. I'm working on slowly packing and analyzing what I can get rid of as I prepare to move. I'm really excited, Juliana and I have found a cute little apartment at the top of a 3 story house and unless something unexpected comes up we are set on it. Most people progress, or at least aspire to, into having more space, a larger house, a bigger backyard. Me? I am moving into a place much... much, smaller. Although I am moving up from a trailer to an actual apartment; that's a step up in some people's minds. I am more than ok with this, I love the little place we are going to move into and having a smaller space will help me in the endless battle over consuming more things than I need. It gives me a chance to downsize and simplify.

This could be a whole new experience for me. I've never lived in a city. Believe it or not, Caronport is the largest town I've lived in yet. I think I'll be ok, Moose Jaw (when the roads aren't covered in ice) is a nice little town with a decent amount of good looking parks. We also have a porch off the backside of our apartment, large enough to fit a patio set out there. Anyhow I'll stop rambling, I did have a deeper post in the works, but I have yet to finish it.

2006-03-08T18:52:00.000-06:00

by luke flaming

antsyily sitting still

have you ever watched a movie where they film time passing artistically? where a character will stay in one place, but the world will spin by them, or perhaps the camera will settle on a frame of scenery and the sun will flick by, or the grass and flowers will grow and die with rapid speed. I woke up this morning with the sun and sat here in this desk, and now I am watching the sun set from the same spot.
Soon this paper will be done, soon I will make it through the onslaught of work that I have... soon.

2006-03-05T20:58:00.000-06:00

winter's edge II by aquapell

breath of relief

one of the most simple heartening things I think will never get old is coming outside at a time that for months dusk has already set in (such as coming out from work), and finding the sky still alight with yellow-white sunshine. No matter what seems to be going on, watching winter slowly break before your eyes holds the encouragement that sunnier days are coming.

2006-03-01T16:14:00.000-06:00

the end is nigh by firedraik

adventures in wonderland

The winter wonderland that Saskatchewan is today that is. It's about time that I wrote a post that is of lighter matter... well, at least it is something outside of my head and the things of life that it turns on.

I, perhaps foolishly, decided to make a trip into town today. My back tire is leaking air, and leaking quickly enough. I thought I should get in and get the leak soon, since I'm planning on going on a trip later this weekend.
The weather didn't look pleasant, but I thought it couldn't be anything compared to what I drove through on Monday, and figured I'd be fine.

I wasn't 5 minutes out of Caronport when my car hit a patch of road that seemed to be a little slicker than the rest (which is humorous because the entire road was a sheet of ice). After fish tailing only slightly my car slid right off the road and ploughed straight through a stop sign that was on one the grid roads. My white car was stuck in the middle of a snowy feild of grass, and besides the fact that it was camoflauged it was also hidden behind the only hilly formation in all of Saskatchewan. I couldn't seem to rock my car out of the spot and no one was going to come rescue me. I ran out to check my car, the only damage is a slight dent on the top of my car where the stop sign came down on it. I can't say as much for the stop sign.

So I began to walk. You'll remember the roads were completely covered in ice. Everything was completely covered in ice. Out on those roads the word traction had certainly not been heard... The only thing those roads heard was the sound of the wind ripping its ways towards Manitoba. This was even more of a combatible force than the ice; it blew at me, trying to rip my scarf and coat away. It wasn't until after the icy cold had left its imprint throughout my entire being before someone dared to slow on the icepatch to pick me up; I think perhaps the wind was trying to teach me a lesson for being out on those roads.

The wondefully kind and friendly beautiful, incredibly appreciated lady that picked me up was also from Caronport and drove me back. Where I called the tow truck and ventured out to retrieve my Subulba. My friend Amy named the car sulbulba. She thought of it because she claims my car sounds like his pod racer. My apologies to anyone who isn't a geek and does not understand... go watch Star Wars: Episode One. Back to Sulbulba. Who with some skill was retrieved out of the ditch and none the worse for wear.

This would be a great time to close off and tell you that I'll laugh about it later. Oh I'll laugh later, and you'll be laughing too when I tell you that wasn't the last time I slid off the road. It was my record time for the day, maybe a minute and half later, I flew off the road again. The stop signs learned from their mistakes though and managed to stay out of my way.

Don't get too concerned. The tow truck wasn't far behind me. The lovely understanding fantasticly great gentlemen managed to get my car out again and told me a trick to driving my car out of a ditch, when it is not drastically stuck. This time I was much closer to a turn about in the road so I could manage to get to the other side of the highway to go home. I drove on the shoulder all the way home, with my four ways on, for there was snow, some semblance of traction to get me back to Caronport.

I have thought, what a waste of a perfectly good afternoon. It has occurred to me that I don't have much money to begin with, I can't really afford to be driving into ditches... but, in all honesty the thing that I should let have prevelance in my mind is a thankfulness that this didn't turn out worse. It was fairly fortunate for all that all this didn't cause a larger disaster. My only regret is that I didn't get to take the stop sign home as a souvenir. Maybe I'll find it when I go back to town in a day or two.

2006-02-14T22:54:00.000-06:00

growing imagination by gilad

mirror image

I am often told, at least more often then I would like to hear, that I shouldn't care what other people think of me. It is said when someone can see that I concern myself with an opinion outside of my own, when I stop consider what I look like from the outside looking on. It is true, what has been said, that I should not care what others think. However, most often when this general and vague platitude is spoken again, what is not realized, or considered, is that I actually don't care what others think. I care about what someone thinks. Other people, they are vague and lacking concrete quality, who are other people? It is impossible to to actually care what other people think, because they, especially in modern North America, all think something different. Other people are the general populous who think to each his own, they think everyone is entitled to their own truth, and many of them would like to think that their truth is always right.

I care what someone thinks, someone who is my friend, someone who is a classmate or co-worker, who is a family member or wisened elder; someone who isn't a vague generality standing at a distance, judging life around them with a telescope, or perhaps the world weekly news. I care what someone thinks, not because they might not like me, but because they might be right, their qualms might be valid, might be true. Someone may have an appropriate concern or reflection of me.

Most often when we say we shouldn't care what people around us think, it is said because they might think critical, negetive, perhaps even judgemental. But if I truly didn't care what someone, what anyone, thinks of me, then I guess I would not care that people think that I'm encouraging, that I might do somthing well, something right or good, I would not care that someone, many ones, think I'm beautiful. And that would be a shame. But whether thinking well or scrutinizing faults, I'd rather it'd be someone than anyone. I'd rather listen to a person that spends time with me than other people who represent the idea that there might be objection or misunderstanding about who I am or what I've done.

When we gaze into a mirror we see there our features reflected back, we get a good idea of what we look like to others, we get a better idea of the bigger picture, a whole picture of what we look like. Much like a mirror, others words will reflect back to us a picture of ourselves; a picture of our character, of our personality, with their words we can scrutinize closer aspects, or get a larger picture. And also as when we look into a mirror we have a tendency to focus on the blemishes, on the things that we consider faults and flaws. We don't like seeing them, we don't like anyone else to see them, and try to hide them, fearing their existance might make us less of a person, or perhaps less likely to be appreciated or accepted.

There is a difficulty with my analogy perhaps, but everything has it downfalls, and every comparison has its shortcomings when compared to reality. Not all someone's, although they may see us in a clearer light than others, have a clear reflection of who we are, sometimes they cannot see the whole picture, the other aspects that bring things into perspective, or perhaps they just have a distorted view. Distorted by person preceptions, by a certain outlook on life, or even unfortunately by bitterness. Sometimes surveying the variety of opinions about ourselves can seem more like walking through a fun house at a carnival, but bent mirrors are less amusing outside of the circus.

I care what someone thinks. There is a possibility of that care being misused and causing disaster is quite possible; but most things in life are like that. In any case, appropriately kept in check, I believe it to be an admirable and vaulable asset. In a society that has in recent years percieved every person as their own island I think we are beginning to realize that often we cannot get an adequate idea of our features just by feeling for the distinctions ourselves (at least those of us without increased touch capacities due to loss of sight). And hopefully soon we will see that someone having a criticism of us will not make us less of a person, or less acceptable, just not perfect. Hopefully soon we will take in stride the things about us that are admirable, and also cherish the things that are critized. We may never perfect them this side of heaven, but perhaps it will keep us in a sober humility.

2006-02-10T19:53:00.000-06:00

starfish foureyes

Sweet Cuppin' Cakes!
I got tagged for a questionairre, which is a more fun version of the mass ones that are forwarded quarterly...

Four jobs you've had in your life:
1) student manager in a cafeteria
2) Youth Intern for Youth For Christ
3) Hydroponics Lettuce Greenhouse worker
4) Various positions within the Archibald Library (circulation, shelving, book covering...)

Four movies you could watch over and over again (not to be confused with favourite movies):
1) Contact
2) While You Were Sleeping
3) The Princess Bride
4) Beauty and the Beast
(and a future movie which I think I'll be able to watch over and over again: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe)

Four TV shows you love(d) to watch (among many others):
1) X Files
2) Star Trek (excluding Deep Space Nine, sorry just can't stand it)
3) Scrubs
4) Corner Gas

Four places you've lived:
1) Glencoe, On (only until I was 3)
2) Kerwood, On
3) Lewis Apt, Caronport, Sk
4) Ipanema, Caronport, Sk (otherwise known as Spruce St.)

Four places you've been on vacation to:
1) New York City
2) Quebec
3) Florida
4) Frankenmuth

Four places you would rather be (or where you'll like to visit?):
1) The Carribean with Captain Jack Sparrow
2) Studying at Oxford? (under the tutilage of C.S. Lewis)
3) India would be cool
4) The Park in Moose Jaw, eating lunch and playing frisbee (the negetive weather and wind chill make it difficult)

Four of your favourite foods:
1) Marzipan, or other pastries made with almond paste
2) No Peak Chicken
3) Pita's
4) Fresh Baked Bread

Four websites you visit daily:
(well we'll say most frequented websites)
1)Deviant Art
2)Homestar
3)Foamy, at ill will press
4)Comedy Central, where I catch the best Daily Show clips

Four CDs you're digging right now:
(and once again modified, we'll expand it to artists)
1) Jack Johnson... yea I don't care that its girly cute music
2) Eric Clapton
3) Switchfoot
4) The Peter Pan Soundtrack (like the latest Peter Pan)

Four tagged:
1) Kara
2) Char
3) Crystal
4) Chan

2006-01-31T00:30:00.000-06:00

the journey by ciril

cum-patire

The issue of choice has popped up here and there in my posts over the past months, and maybe have snubbed choice as being only a negative thing. I like choice; really who doesn't? I like choosing between the strawberry alberto shampoo, or the cherry almond kids shampoo, from the hundreds of other, lesser, hair products. I like choosing the Nintendo DS over PSP. I like being able to choose to eat pizza tonight and eat donairs tomorrow... I like choosing which guy I like, or the romantic line of thinking of choosing to love who I like, choosing to marry because of love. I like being able to choose becoming a better person. I like thinking that I have chosen to follow God. Of course thinking that I choose whatever I have, whatever I am, becomes shaky ground when life gets tough. When I choose all of this the person I have to blame the most for when things go wrong is me. We could try to blame someone else, but if we think about the fact that we wanted to choose, than the only person to blame for that choice is us right? Sure we didn't intend for our choices to lead us to certain places or for those unexpected surprises, but no one can plan for those, you can only plan for what you know of. Only choose from what you know of.

If you think I'm saying we shouldn't have choice so we don't have to blame ourselves. Relax. That's not what I'm saying. I'm just thinking maybe we've over-glorified choice. You know you really like something so you treat it like it's the shiznit, like there's nothing that could ever go wrong with it. Like that guy or girl you think is really amazing. And even though they are probably pretty great, you really don't pay attention to things about them that might drive you nuts; you just go on and on about all the things that are fantastic about them. I wonder if we've done that with choice, just thought about all the great things about it so we've ignored the down-sides, or even ignored the fact that sometimes we really don't have a choice (or maybe not as much choice as we think we do). Do we really get to choose the life that we have? Or do we get to choose to do the best (or the worst) with what we are handed?

Maybe that's why people so many debate continuously about fate and freedom, we have all this choice available, but we don't really know where our choices will take us. Whether we choose for ourselves or someone else chooses for us, whether we intended something to happen or if it just befell us, life is still a mystery. We plot and plan our lives away, fill our minds with all the great choices we have, and then what is left to live of it?

Maybe that's partially why God has worked so hard on my heart to let go of always having some big dream, a scheme, a set idea of where I'm headed, because life is going to come anyway. He's got a plan, and it's really good, so i should just wait and walk and be amazed. There's nothing wrong with dreams, I'm still a dreamer. There's nothing wrong with thinking about the future, but there's comes a point when one has to live with where they are and what they have. I don't have to spend all my time dreaming up a life, I already have one, I can spend my dreaming skills on other things (such as blog posts, ha).

cum-patire is a latin word I stumbled upon my readings last semester, it means to suffer with. The author was writing of how a group makes a choice together, or will help one of their own make a choice. Maybe we've got enough problems of our own to think about, and perhaps if we think about suffering with someone as primarily, or as only, as emotional we'll only wear ourselves out. But perhaps suffering isn't just emotion, perhaps we could lend our brains, lend our hands. Many of us do, many of choose us to. There's nothing wrong with choice, but maybe we need to let go of the liberty of choosing which kind of cola we prefer to lend our life to those who didn't choose what befell them. Then again maybe it's just me, maybe I just think about myself too much, and I do.

So, I may not choose to suffer with you, I may not choose to be your friend, I may not want to do certain things that I know I should, but I will none the less. If you don't like it, tough, I'm going to love you anyhow. You may say I've chosen to do what is good despite my emotions, you may say that I am only nit-picking on terminology, but it's a thought. We really like our choice, and we don't like to give that up.

2006-01-24T08:09:00.000-06:00

grey vision by severin m. koller

when it fades to grey

"Men can go wrong with wine and women. Shall we then prohibit wine and abolish women?" Martin Luther

I really haven't been in a blogging mood, sorry 'bout that, maybe I've been rambling on too much in conversation so that I haven't got anything left to say here, maybe. Then again the amount of reading and assignments have kept me with my nose stuck in a book these past weeks. Since reading is the thing that has been keeping me most busy, I thought I'd share something I read, that actually came along just as I was thinking about the nature of balance.

These days there much propaganda about "living a balanced healthy life", which is good, but can become a point of obsession. Maybe from studying history, maybe from studying at Briercrest, or maybe just from reflection on the lives around me (or my life), more likely from all, I've seen many revolt to extremes, and many shaken from what they thought was a black and white understanding to questioning how they think about certain things.

It is well accepted that balance requires a little give from both sides, but it could also be that balance means rejecting extremities, I don't think balance necessarily signifies a balance of good and evil (acutally it is more like a balance between two possible evils), and don't think the middle ground is always in the middle... or the mean of two extremes as Aristotle would phrase it:

...let us consider this, that it is the nature of such things to be destroyed by defect and excess, as we see in the case of strength and of health...; both excessive and defective exercise destroys the strength, and similarily drink or food which is above or below a certain amount destroys the health, while that which is proportionate both produces and increases and preserves it. So too is it, then, in the case of temperance and ourage and the other excellences. For the man who flies from and fears everything and does not stand his ground against anything becomes a coward, and the man who fears nothing at all but goes to meet every danger becomes rash; and similarily the man who indulges in every pleasure and abstains from none becomes self-indulgent, while the man who shuns every pleasure, as boors do, becomes in a way insensible; temperance and courage, then, are destroyed by excess and defect, and preserved by the man.

...Excellence, then, is a state concerned with choice, lying in a mean relative to us, this being determined by reason and in the way in which the man of practical wisdom would determine it. Now it is a mean between two vices, that which depends on excess and that which depends on defect; and again it is a mean because the vices respectively fall short of or exceed what is right in both passions and actions, while excellence both finds and chooses that which is intermediate. Hence in respect of its substance and the account which states its essence is mean, with regard to what is best and right it is an extreme. ...

That moral excellence is a mean, then, and in what sense it is so, and that it is a mean between two vices, the one involving excess, the other deficiency, and that it is such because its characteris to aim at what is intermediate in passions and in actions, has been sufficiently stated. Hence it is no easy task to be good. For in everything it is no easy task to find the middle,... anyone can get angry--that is easy--or to give or spend money; but to do this to the right person, to the right extent, at the right time, with the right aim, and in the right way, that is not for everyone, nor is it easy; that is why goodness is both rare and laudable and noble.

Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics

2005-12-19T10:02:00.000-06:00

sing hallelujah by dmack

There is one exam left tomorrow morning and I will have another semester done. In a day and half I will be in Ontario, visiting my family, and enjoying a break from work and homework. All in all, the semester has ended well, I somehow found an adequate amount of time to hang out with friends and just slack off in general. I've been some great movies, watched some hilarious shows, but also have been reading some thought provoking books and have been chillaxing in coffee shops listening to friends bands and having great conversations. And although there are good things right at hand, there is even more good things coming.
Next semester holds some things I'm looking foward to, there are already plans of fun days ahead, such as a visit from my old roommate; and there is the added bonus of finally owning my own vehicle.
Another eventful semester has passed, I think I've more than made it through. God has been faithful, though it is through much more than the things I've mentioned above. They are things to be thankful for, and cherished, but God has been faithful regardless of those things.

2005-12-10T15:19:00.000-06:00

my ending by splucy

the soap opera that is my life

I really don't think my life is all that interesting.
But I could be wrong.
Years ago it was noted that my life, or at least the circumstances around it, resembled a soap opera. So, in jest, I wrote one called port caron.
Since then, besides the interesting situations that seem to befall me, I've noted an amazing amount of people who tell me what they think my life is about, tell me what to think of things that have or are happening to me, and try to live vicariously through me. While I completely respect listening to others, to see life through their eyes and getting an outside opinion, sometimes their version of my life sounds only vaguely familiar.
I've mostly learned to laugh about it and joke around, people are going to talk whether or not I care, and there's always going to be someone who thinks they're helping you by trying to point in the direction that looks best to them. But every once in awhile, I wonder if there's something I'm doing or have done to incur this, or that maybe I take it too lightly, or maybe I let it affect me too much. In which case I don't think I'm smart enough to figure that mystery out. And if it's because of my personality, then there's not a whole lot I can do about that.
It doesn't worry me, so much as cause me to wonder, which is something people seem to get confused, but that's a post for a different day.

2005-12-01T17:17:00.000-06:00

til the morning after by aquapell

spiritual lessons through this physical veneer

This is probably a theme that is becoming redundant for those of you who have been reading my posts over the past few months. I can imagine how some may begin to see me as too much of a mystic, always seeing something in the nonsense of life. In my defense I will say that there is much of life that doesn't make sense, that doesn't seem planned or purposeful, although good things can come of it, useful things can be learned from it. Our diverse society has brought together wide variety of thought and beliefs where many of us range from those heightened senses of the mystics to the leary logics of the cynics. In any case we should come to terms with the fact that life on this earth does hold suffering and misfortune, but be aware that things aren't always as they seem.
I don't think I'm being to cocky to say that I have been in the past a resillient person; been able to get back up when life has knocked me down. I may, as it seems to some, think things over too much, and it's true I like to give life a good mulling. God's been here to lead me on through whatever this world brings, but through these past months something struck deep down in me and I wondered many times at what's holding me back. God's always been there to direct my steps, and I couldn't understand why I felt like I was standing in limbo. Realization is a process, I'm sure we all know this, andI came to the conclusion early on that there was a few things I needed to realize. At the end of the summer I asked God a question, I made a request. I wanted to understand something and couldn't find an answer that sufficed. And He has been giving me His response. Sometimes the face value of what happens is all that exists, but have you ever faced a situation where it has become more about what lies beneath than the actual situation itself? We're physical beings, so it makes sense that one of the most peircing ways for God to get something across to us is through the medium we exist in. (although it is only one; I wonder what it would be like to experince supernatural messages like Julian of Norwich, who saw 16 visions while being deathly ill...)

2005-11-21T15:38:00.000-06:00

shores of oblivion by gilad

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.
...
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.
Be honest and sincere anyway.
...
If you are transparent and vulnerable people will call you superficial and you will get hurt.
Be transparent and vulnerable anyway.

I know not everyone needs to love me, I know not everyone will like me.It's a fact of life on this cursed terrain and I came to terms with that, was forced to comes to terms with that, long ago. Friends have joked, and I have sarcastically said a few times, that no one could possibly hate me, but I have been made more than aware of people who, in their hearts or in their actions towards me, words said about me, unwillingness to understand me, have hated me.
What I do have trouble wrapping my mind around are people who, not only present themselves as my friend but also present themselves as a friend and follower of Jesus, hate me. I saw it years ago, when a girl pretended to be chummy with me when really in her heart she hated me because of something that wasn't my fault, something that I had no control over. But she was never a close friend of mine, while it felt slightly unjustified that someone would judge me as she did, it wasn't as much of a slap in the face as the friend who has been hating me behind my back now.
Someone who I have been friends with for years, someone who consistantly uplifts me in compliments of a good heart and a wise mind, someone who I had no indication that they were displeased with me in the least, has been bitterly talking about me behind my back. On more than one occasion saying that I am superficial and shallow. Now I could say, or you could say, well that's life, it happens, you can't care what anyone else thinks, you just need to accept that life is full of raw deals and you need to just move on. But I'm not going to lie that I am incredibly disappointed and slightly hurt. And I know that someone can love sinner without loving the... perceived... sin, but to harbour as much bitterness towards me as he does and make no indication of it, seems ironic.
Well anyhow, thanks for listening... I mean reading...

2005-11-17T01:36:00.000-06:00

faith variation by gilad

Where does that put Him?
picking up where we left off

He was a man of high stature. He was moral, righteous, well-respected. He had a comfortable home, and a comfortable place in society. He was the right kind of man to be seen with, the right kind of man to have dinner with. Living a successful life, an empty, successful life, for he had money, power and respect.

She was a prostitute. She was used, undeserving and disrespected. She did what she had to in order to get by. Sell what she had to offer in order to make it through another day. Living a despairing life, an empty, despairing life; for she had no love, no respect, and no hope.

He had heard of Jesus. A man who he had heard performed miracles. A man he heard had great insight. A man who he heard had come to visit and should be invited over to dinner to a respectable mans' home. A man who he knew would look good at a man of high stature's table.

She had also heard of Jesus. A man she heard had the power to heal and guide. A man she heard had come and would be eating at the well-respected man's table. A man who caused her to long for something better, caused her to follow after him, to weep mournfully at his feet, and to give all that she earned in year to buy perfume to pour onto his feet.

He scoffed. He was disgusted. He was disappointed. He thought, "If this man was the prophet I thought he was, he would have known what kind of woman this is who is falling all over him."

She submitted. She was broken. She was defended. Jesus spoke, "Simon, I have something to tell you."

He feigned interest. He gave a cordial smile. It hid the disdain he held for the woman who entered his home and the man who associated with her, who did not dismiss her, "Tell me, teacher."

Jesus asked him, "If two men were in debt to a banker--one owing five hundred silver pieces and the other fifty which neither of them could pay--and the banker canceled both debts, which of the two would be more grateful?"

He was confused. He wasn't sure why the prophet was asking him this; maybe to test his wisdom. He looked around to see if anyone else thought this odd, and then answered, "I suppose the one who was forgiven the most."

She sat at his feet. Jesus looked at her, "Do you see this woman? She rained tears on my feet when you would not provide water. She has not stopped kissing my feet when did not even give me a greeting. She has poured perfume on my feet when you did not provide any means of freshening myself up. She was forgiven many sins, and so is very grateful. But he who has been forgiven little has very little gratitude."

adapted from Luke 7:36-47

Is it as it seems? If we are stuck steeped in a cultural mindset of deservedness and self-sufficiency; if we are living in a wealthy society and have segregated ourselves in individualism to the point where the only thing that holds bonded to one another is our emotional connection. Or can we rightly choose to be there, the ultimate romantic ideal to choose or be chosen. What does that reflect on how we are connected to God? If we don't need each other, if we really think we can survive on our own, then really how much do we need God?

Maybe I am only preaching to the choir, to people who recognize their need for God. Who know that they need to be connected to God in more than emotions, more than choice. But for awhile now in North America even the choir has been singing their own solos. We've begun to notice it, we've begun to try to correct the things that are missing, we realize things aren't right. We talk about standing as a body, but still have our own personal lives away from the Church. I'm not claiming to have some indepth knowledge that no one has noticed before, maybe I'm just trying to comprehend it, work through it.

What has the Church done? We like others around us are seeing problems in this culture, and are making desperate attempts at fixing what we see going wrong. But I wonder if maybe we need to just put down our sheet music and think about the tune we've been singing. Maybe we need to admit that the Church like the rest of our culture got caught up in the idealism of individualism, admit that we've done enough to contribute to the problem.

Have you ever noticed that the times when we most full-heartedly turn to God, when we become most faithful in following Him, is after we've fallen the hardest on our asses? When we've come face to face with rotten circumstances, whether we've chosen them, or they've chosen us. I wonder if in our 'blessed' circumstances, in our height of technology and freedom, in our depth of wealth, if we have become more depraved than ever before. I wonder if we've got so much that we missing what we need. I wonder in who's opinion that the prostitutes sins were more than the pharisee, or maybe she could just see the depravity she was being saved from better than the man who thought he owed little to anyone, needed to be saved from little by anyone.

Where is God in the life of the Pharisee? Where is He in the life of the Prostitute? Where is He in the life of North America?

2005-11-07T23:30:00.000-06:00

dancing on a sunny day by ciril

why are you my friend?
A brief interlude in the previous flow of thought

For most of this semester I've been slightly off kilter.
I know I've noted a lot about this,
and I know I've told you that I'm put back together.
I am, I really am,
but despite the fact that my heart has been put back into place
and the uncomfortable confusion is fading away,
I still have questions and thoughts,
and God still has a great deal that he wants to work out in me;
I'm still not quite myself because he is making me something more.

But as I go through this,
I experience a lot of things that I don't understand
why or how I'm letting it be a problem.

Don't understand why I'm frusterated, upset or jaded.
When I've been fine, been strong in the past.
But it is clear that things just aren't as they seem
and (maybe) what it is that I'm trying to work through
is deeper and bigger than the situation that I'm experiencing
that they exist to help me identify what needs to be worked out in me.

And while I work through this gammut of insanity,
my friends sit by and listen to me rant.
They watch me struggle
through confusion, through frusteration, even bitterness at points.
Watch me in a broken state, listening to me in my weakness;
Patiently loving me
as I try to break through these layers God wants to pull off of me.
Still being my friend, as I strangely attempt to walk through all of this.
Why are you my friend?

You listen,
you reply
you share with me your thoughts
things you've learned
the perspectives you see
and you pray for me.
You love me,
even though I'm foolish.
Love me
though I'm mistaken
and faulted
and most certainly a strange girl.

As we strive so hard to make sense of life
and all it's surprises that greet us,
as our brains do mental gymnasitics
to see logical reasons for what goes on around us,
it occurs to me that the most beautiful things of life
simply offend reason.
Although I've always known it
I'll forever know it again and over again.
I may not understand it
but I cherish it.
Thankyou.

2005-11-03T16:31:00.000-06:00

individuality

Here we are

Some time ago I spent a long evening with a friend, we had dinner, watched some stand-up comedy, and then had a conversation that lasted about 3 hours. It had been quite a long time since I had spent that much time with one person. Quite often when I see people outside of work and school related interactions, it consists of short interludes; we watch a movie, go grocery shopping, or to town for some other reason, when we do go out for coffee it usually only lasts 45 min before we've run out of things to talk about or have things that we need to go and do. We're so busy doing, so many things on the go, and going on.

As we sat in my living room and talked of life and questions and ponderings my friend and I discussed how our lives have been guided. He, like I, had been questioning his acuracy in hearing God's voice and knowing His will, and wondering if what God had led us into in the past was really His will or our own desires. Both feeling wounded from some previous experiences, we had to wonder that there must be some better way of going about life than the patterns that our culture has set, we had to wonder if there's something we're doing wrong.

It has been well noticed about North American culture that we've become steeped in individuality, we've begun to feel the seperation and are working hard to try and fill the gap. The wealth that I spoke of earlier has not only freed us to chase whatever our heart desires, but has also freed us from each other. We no longer need one another to survive from day to day like we once did. We don't our husbands and wives to make ends meet, we don't need children to contribute to and carry on for us, we don't need our parents to teach us all that will get us through life. With that tie of dependence gone what is left to hold us together except what our wealthy society has afforded us; whatever our heart desires.

People have begun to realize that this isn't working, they've begun to realize that trying to hold together on emotions and desires is about as bonding as holding two objects together with sticky tac; it'll hold for awhile but is easily pulled apart, easily torn. We keep trying to manufacture alternatives to make up for that which has slipped into extinction since we've segregated our responsibilities and ourselves, but we can't manufacture the need, the dependence that once existed among us. So when our desires fade, or flippantly change, when our emotions bottom out on us, what's going to hold us together?

What can we possibly do to help our lonely and isolated culture? What if we've fixed enough things (such as fixing ourselves into this state) and we are only ever correcting problems only to have our solutions lead to other problems? Maybe deeper problems? And in a society that is very comfortable with the way things are what can be done? Should anything be done? Or should we just accept that something is always going to be wrong and continue on as we are?

2005-10-29T02:39:00.000-06:00

majestic thou in ruin by draven-clark

Here I am

There is a spirit of deservedness that has crept into our culture. It has found its way in through our desperate struggle to gains rights that have been denied, have been trampled on. Through those people who finally decided to stand for themselves because too few would stand for them. It snuck in as a negetive side effect of deep issues being corrected. It has come through the wealth that our culture has become accustomed to. Not just monetary wealth, the wealth that allows us to be a culture of consumers, but also a wealth of freedom; to do, to be whatever our heart calls us to. Rights have moved past being treated fairly, and freedom has moved past priviledge, they have moved into what each of us deserve.

I have in the past heard the message, to myself as well as to others, when something hasn't worked out, that there will be something better, that something better is deserved. And while that message might have been appropriate in its context, it always makes me wonder if this is a false hope, maybe a misplaced focus. What if I, you, any one of us, hears this message, continually dreams of that something better that we deserve, but is not meant to experience the things that our culture tells us we should desire.

What if, and I know I'm not the only one who has thought about this, my life is meant to be something like the prophet Hosea who God instructed to marry an adultrous wife in order to illustrate, to demonstrate a message to others. What if I am to be denied the good things this society tells me that I deserve, just so God can speak to humanity a message? I'm not saying my life has been a tragedy, although many interesting situations have crossed my path; I have enjoyed the wealth of this culture, and yet have experienced shadows of the heartaches that no one can escape wealthy or not.

Why is it that this mindset has so grasped the lives of North America? Why do we continue to believe that we deserve all the good things our culture hopes for? Maybe if we realized that we don't deserve them we'd appreciate them more and handle it better we become disappointed.

Are we willing to accept that some of us may never acheive what we are taught to consider the"good life" without bitterness or believing that we have been jilted out of something that belonged to us?

In most of those interesting situations that I have passed through I have been able to take consolation in knowing that I might not like the outcome but I followed God in what I believed to be His plan or stood for what I believed to be godly principles. There have been other cases where I just needed to recognize that I've been foolish, not following God, and accept the discipline or circumstances that befell me. But recently I came to a situation where I prayed and I believed that God was leading me into. It's turned rather messy, and it hurt. And it catapulted my heart into a place where my heart was in a state of tumultuousness. While in that state I continued to try to stand strong and follow in what I thought God was asking me to do. Something that I wasn't meant to follow through with and from there I began to question how I hear God's voice. Questioned many of the things that I believed God led me into, including the situation that led into all of this.

It is plain and simple that we will never completely comprehend why God asks us to do some of the things that He does, and often we need to own that we could be wrong in what we interpret to be His plan. But it did occur to me, and this could just be optimistic thinking, that if I hadn't followed in what I then believed God wanted me to do I would not have been in a position for certain other things to happen. It wouldn't be the first time God has asked someone to do something He didn't intend them to follow through with. If I have infact been hearing God's voice correctly the implications are, at least to me, huge. If that is the case that means God has brought me to places that are harder, scarier and more precarious than my foolish could ever manage to stumble into, and may very well continue to lead me to places that are as such. On one hand it seems obvious that this would be so, we like to keep ourselves safe. But then again we'd like to think that following God in something that is right and good would be easier to bear and would appear as a wise to everyone.

I don't know that my life will involve a large amount of hardships, I don't know that my life will be filled with what our culture believes that we each deserve; I don't know that I want that. God is a good God, and He has a good plan for humanity that He wants us all to join Him in. And it is my hope that I will be able to rejoice in that plan even if it seems to be filled with tragedies in contrast to the "good life"; rejoice that though it may not be a life full of 'blessings', but it will be a blessed life, a life that blesses others.

2005-10-19T23:57:00.000-06:00

to see in one's soul by animamira

going back and stepping foward

There is so much to say, I don't know where to start, how to say it all. There is always so many little details to every story that it becomes impossible to find words that explain to others, to express to the world, the weight and the wonder of what it is one walks through. And often it isn't just one story, it's one part of a story that intersects with this story and that story, and it expands into other aspects of life. It effects so many things that we can't pack it all into one simple explanation. In the struggle to try and share with others, particularily here, I've become good at discussing a thought, picking up a theme, without telling all the details or all that has happened to bring that thought or story about. It's the truth that I am an open person, an intimate personality, as has been observed to me over the years. An unfortunate side effect of this is that many come to think that they understand you maybe better than they do.

The past month and half has been interesting for me, I've run a gamut of emotions, had many moments of confusion, just a general feeling of running amuck. Things have begun to clear up; I can't tell you how wonderful it feels to be me, to feel like I'm put back together. But there are some crucial things that have come of this. From that state I began to question my being here, whether or not I followed God here or whether I've chosen some flight of fancy. I began to question how I hear God's voice. As I brought these concerns to God He had already been pressing this concern to look back at the point of when I came here, that He wanted to restore in my heart the innocence that I came here with. That came back to my mind as I was also reminded of what it was the drew me to Briercrest specifically, and how I went about choosing to come here, which was with a great deal of prayer and listening. I have never taken the choices that I believe to be God's leading lightly and never wish to misrespresent His name by calling my own choices His.

I have come to feel disdain, maybe just frustration, with the image of innocence. Often I feel like a child, patronized, underestimated, but reality is that I'm respected and admired far beyond what I deserve. This perception of being a child comes from my own heart and God asks me, instead of seeing it in a negative light of childishness, to treasure in it the state of vulnerability and innocence. In a place that thirsts over respect and power, that fights for its equal rights and demands freedoms, choosing to live in a state of humility, to admit weakness and vulnerability would surely be an anomaly. It begins in the realization that I am not my own island, I belong to God, and I belong to the church. We keep preaching about the body of Christ but I think in our individualistic society we miss the concept of having every detail of our lives being laid bare, being subjected, to a community. Living at a deep level of vulnerability creates a huge risk, a great probability, of becoming completely open to being wounded, judged, or misjudged; but could you imagine the intimacy?
This is only part of the story.

2005-10-10T21:43:00.000-06:00

night butterfly by dream traveler

not myself

For you long term fans of the life of jo, you may recall the analogy I sometimes use of a butterfly when I explain how God has transformed my life. It's not a totally uncommon analogy, I remember as a kid listening to those songs about bullfrogs and butterflies and how they've "both been born again" (as the song used to sing). I was crawling along until about 8 years ago when I became slightly depressed and wrapped myself self in layers of self-pity. After spending most of the school year in that state I began to realize that God was calling me to follow him, and he began to pull away those layers that I thought would protect me. I was indeed as Paul said to the Corinthians, "if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, the old has gone and the new has come!"

This time a year ago I shared with you that I felt like I had come to another one of these cocoon stages. It was not quite like the one I experienced years ago, I knew God was with me, I knew I am His, and it was not about wrapping myself in self-pity. This time I, for one, needed to rest and to heal, but I also became more reclusive; while I still liked people and wouldn't object to them being around, I wasn't exactly keen on spending time with too many people; they could come visit me, I would invite them over, but there were few that I would go out of my way to visit. That cocoon stage has come to an end, I can hear God calling me out of resting and thinking and into action, and I am now remembering how much this stage of God pulling layers off is just not any fun. There are some fears deep in my heart that I've used to wrap around myself this time around and He's been stripping those away from me.

He calls to me again, not that I ever turned away from Him, but there is a whole new adventure that He's asking me to go on with Him. He calls me to follow Him in this, despite the fact it feels like everything around and in me works against what He asks me to do. As He calls me out of my layers there is quite a bit of spiritual battling going on, and I just haven't been myself as I walk through this, despite my attempts to retain composure; He tells me that I'm not meant to be myself right now, because He wants to pull out something that is so much more.

On a wider scope, it seems that there is a common feeling in the body of Christ, that there are many of us going through this stage of God pulling away layers, of transformation. I think that is really cool how God works, that He never makes us go through anything alone. Whether we can share in a common present experience or how he surrounds us with those aren't feeling a common experience so that they can bear with us in love.

2005-09-27T09:14:00.000-06:00

There is a terrible hunger for love.
We all experience that in our lives - the pain, the loneliness.
We must have the courage to recognize it.
The poor you may have right in your own family.
Find them.
Love them.

I wonder if Mother Teresa ever felt gypped?

I was sitting in chapel during the first week of classes, thinking about some of the more challenging points in my life. And as I sat there and feeling pretty dejected and rather troubled a rather humbling thought occurred to me. Something said to me that the difference between someone like Mother Teresa and myself was that what I would consider a sacrifice and a loss she would consider an honor and a privilege.

While I can again and again recognize how God has stretched and transformed me in the things that he has asked me to do, I still remain frusterated and saddened by what I think it has cost me. The things that I've had to give up... I'm embarrassed that those words are in my heart, for I know better, I know that those things that He's asked me to "give up" weren't good enough for what He wants, not mention the fact that none of them were really mine to begin with.

I don't even know where to begin in correcting this off-centre mindset; I don't really know how I got this far thinking like this. So I guess it's a good thing that He's the one who's correcting it.

In any case, I hope these words encourages us all to press on in the lifestyle that God calls us to, they were written on the wall in Mother Teresa's home for children in Calcutta:

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.
Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.
Create anyway.

2005-09-23T19:18:00.000-06:00

passing thought by gilad

mistaking regret

In a conversation the other day a friend said to me that everyone has in one situation or another that they regret. A common thought that everyone lives with regrets, to which I initially agreed, but then realized that I didn't agree with what I was agreeing with (I hate it when I do that, just start nodding your head or replying "yea..." and then you think yourself, 'wait a gosh darn second'). I stopped in my agreement and noted that maybe it should be said that we all have mistakes we're not proud of rather than situations that we regret.
What I want to ask you is do you think we can learn from our mistakes without regretting that we made them? Or I guess it could be rather asked, can we live without regrets? I certaintly think so, I have never regretted the mistakes I've made in my life and I've made a few embarrasing ones. Maybe I've never made any serious life-threatening or life-impairing decisions, and maybe that could be held against my opinion in this matter, but I still think regret can be unnecessary. What occurred to me while I thought about this is that what we may consider a mistake God considers the only way to have gotten something across to us. And possibly wishing that we hadn't made the mistake only distracts us from what we should be learning from it...
... Another point that I've pondered over when considering regret is is it possible to be grieved over your mistakes without regretting them? Mirriam-Webster defines those terms as though they are neigh synonomous, but I rather think of them as seperate; one, in my mind, is an emotion while the other is a desire. I could be mistaking regret, but I always saw it as wanting to change what has happened, and sorrow as being unhappy or not proud of what we've done. Maybe this is just one of those points where our language breaks down, where words can't explain another word in order to understand; the point where our words just fail us.

2005-09-14T13:44:00.000-06:00

get out of your comfort zone
by slick willy

(*disclaimer* this fishy picture has nothing to do with the last fishy picture, the two fishy pictures have no fishy connection)

Did you call me.... chicken?

I have, in the past, been told that I am courageous. There are people I know that have thought of me as extroverted, confident, maybe even strong-willed to a fault. But today I fully came to terms with the truth that I am indeed a spineless yellow bellied chicken.
I'm not out to say that what comrades have seen in me is entirely false, or that their opinion holds no water; but what they have seen might not have been all that they see it as. I will admit that there probably have been instances where I have been courageous, but I am not a courageous person. And I would suppose this to be true of most people, that we have moments of courage, that we are not always courageous.
I don't want to ponder what courage is, I think I did that in a post a long time ago (altough by all means you can comment on that), basically it is just facing what you fear when you could turn tail. The times that I can think of when this has happened is when God has made undeniably clear that it is something I need to do. And while I could back out and ignore what He is saying to me, I fear Him more. When I say He made it undeniably clear I mean he presses something on my heart, and when I hesitate, when I am leary he presses it again and again, until I give in. Like staying here this summer, I didn't really know if I would have a job at all, let alone a job that would be helping me to finance this education of mine. That was only one of my concerns, but I remember panicking right about the end of April and wondering what the crap I thought I was doing... (i think I wrote a post about that too somewhere...)
But for the most part I am a chicken. I'm not at home shivering in my booties, but I won't stick my neck out because I like to play it safe. I won't put myself on the line because I'm downright scared that I'm just going to be disappointed one more time. Scared that if I try explain all that God shows me and all that is in my little head, that no one is going to understand and that I'll just get dismissed. Scared that there's some way that I could feel more alienated than I already do.
Many have told me that they respect and admire how I am just who I am and that I don't try to be anything else; I'm weird and goofy, often pensieve and expressive, and that's just me. But I am not intentional in the least in the openness that my character holds, I just can't be anything else. (This is fact, I tried being something else, it really didn't work so well). But I suppose we can still admire traits that others unintentionally acheive.
So I find myself being pushed outside of my comfort zone, and God is showing me that part of listening to Him is trusting what I know it is that He says to my heart; without Him having to push and pull me to where He wants me to go. I never did think of myself as confident or courageous, but neither did I consider myself a big scaredy cat. Now that I've admitted this all to you, I am a little farther away from being able to just slip back into my fear, and hopefully gritting my teeth and moving onward.

2005-09-12T22:49:00.000-06:00

jump by ssilence

feelin' fine

Today I officially took the student manager position in the cafeteria that I work at. I remember my boss had said something about it a number of weeks ago, but it didn't really sink in that this was a promotion of sorts.
Anyhow, I do get paid more, so I hear. Although I don't do anything less than I would've done anyhow, responsibility wise. But the best part of all this is the support that came from my bosses. Both the director as well as the staffing manager (i don't know what his techinal title really is) both reguarded considering me for this position not only natural but one of their first choices; makes a girl feel warm and fuzzy inside.

I know haven't had many thoughtful posts lately... it's not that haven't had much on my mind, just nothing that I've felt like posting on. I will correct this autrocity soon... if it comes down to it I've got some 'stock' deep thoughts that I wrote down back in july (ha!).
Leave me a note, let me know you're alive... and still sticking it out with me...

2005-09-09T17:30:00.000-06:00

enlightenment by gilad

learning is painful

This is nothing new. But it seems a point that came up in conversation more than a few times this past week.
Right now I seem to be left with nothing to do but sit and reflect at the patterns in my life (I just wish they were as simple as the tiles on that floor). And it seems that God is pushing me out the patterns I have set in my life, pushing me out of my comfort zone.
I have homework I should be doing, I have books I could and would like to read... video games that need to be played! But I'm having difficulty doing any of it, I'm even having incredible difficulty writing this post. I've always been very good at burying myself in something, focusing on something that should get done. If something is on my mind, if there is some turmoil going on I would just spend more time in the library, doing homework, or clean up my room. But I can't seem to do that. I can't distract myself with these things, keeping myself busy doesn't seem to work, and it's driving me nuts.

2005-09-03T19:25:00.000-06:00

RelationShips by gilad

this picture was taken after another at the same location,
The Things I've Seen
which has the most phenominal artist's explanation I've ever read.

Well tomorrow is the day when most of the students will begin to arrive, by monday night they should all be here. The high school is already here as well as the students in leadership, things are beginning to get into swing. Our internet was switched on two days ago (opposed to the 15th like we were told, w00t!) and I finished up working night shifts at the convience store last night....

After a summer of simplicity, of thinking, resting, and raising concerns I am now heading into another year. One that in many ways seems very freeing (ha, like finally having my evenings open) and yet holds interesting challenges. I am so excited. And yet, nervous.

The face of Briercrest, of Caronport, changes so quickly, changes so drastically from year to year, but friends who have been with me from the beginning are gone now. People I've gotten to know along the way are leaving. All new faces are coming in, some of the newer relationships I've started hopefully will continue on, and I just really hope that this year really takes off. Last year was good, it was important; but started with pain, held a lot of healing, frusterations and even handed me some deep disappointments. Although I don't hold any false hope of not having any difficulties, I do hope that this year will be a year of rejoicing.

For all students returning to their studies as well as to all who work hard making a living, I hope you find humility in knowing that there will always be things you don' t know or understand and that you take joy in in discovering lessons that will find you.

2005-08-22T10:18:00.000-06:00

open your eyes by gilad

Is it normal to think of yourself as a jerk?

I've been told in the past that I'm too hard on myself and I'd like to think that I've improved on that. Still there are a lot of days when I stop myself in ponderings or after leaving a sitution and think "wow, jo, you're a really big jerk."

Someone this past week related to me something that he read, that how we think of ourselves is how we will think of others. That puzzled me, I don't think of everybody as jerks (... just the ones that are) despite the fact that I call my friends jerkface. But seriously, I don't hold people around me to nearly as high a standard as I myself feel held to. I think of others in the same light as I think of myself, I tend to be a little harsher when it comes to examining and identifying my faults. But I thought that was normal.

Anyhow, does anyone else think of themselves as a jerk? Or do you tend to think of others as you think about yourself?

2005-08-20T22:30:00.000-06:00

pass by by pinardi

completely random ponderings and some cute facts

Not always, but every once in awhile...

You should watch out for the quiet people, they tend to have better observation skills than the ones that spend all their energy talking. They'll see things and don't let on that they know... very sneaky like.

And also, do not underestimate the happy-go-lucky people, who seem to be nothing but goofy. They may have a serious side that can sober your first impressions. (ie. Vash the Stampede... seriously everyone needs to watch Trigun)

People can't stand it when a person can speak with uncertainty. They would rather hear a person speak with absolute sureness in their voice, whether or not they right or truthful, than hear a person speak with the possibility of error in their answer. I honestly wish I could speak with uncertainty more often, I think that I think I know more than I really do, maybe if I spoke with uncertainty than I'd realize how very little I do know.

On that thought playing dumb seems to be a great tool for learning. Ok maybe not playing dumb, but more like not boasting what you do know. If someone thinks you don't know something or don't understand then they'll explain it for you. Quite often they'll look at it in a way you didn't think of or their knowledege will supercede yours in some way (even if a small way). So sometimes you're possibly better off letting others explain things to you that you may already know.

I found out that if we were to literally translate what amen means in Greek, it would be '"mmhmm." Like a black woman sitting in church (imagine it in your heads with me, please) on a stuffy sunday morning, a firey preacher up in the pulpit hitting those right points, she's got her hand raised in the air, nodding her head and saying "mmmhmmm, that's right..." Something like that.

In other news I have 'made my peace' with the upcoming semester. I'm still enjoying my summer, and haven't quite gotten the answers I'm hoping for, but I'm not apprehensive towards people coming back anymore.

Also I got my hair cut, I didn't know what I wanted done, I just knew that I needed to do something soon, cause it was really annoying (and really fluffy). So I went to see my friend JuneAnn, who is a hair dresser. It's a lot shorter than I anticipated, but I knew JuneAnn knew what she was doing, and told her to fix my hair. And fix it she did. I look hot. Really. I also look like a pixie. Or as my nieghbour and his fiance would say, I look like a forest nymph. I think I like that, it sounds mischevious... which is fitting...

2005-08-15T11:35:00.000-06:00

crossing in reflection by coxi

It has been nearly 3 weeks since I've posted. There are riots going on in the streets of Caronport. People have gathered from all over the world to vent their anger about my slacking in the blogging. If you lean in close to your computer screen you can even smell the smoke of the burning torches. You can tell these people aren't experienced in good old fashioned rioting, some guy just lit the persons clothes next to him on fire... Lift the torch, man, lift it up. Well they get an A for effort.

Anyhow.

I don't think my blog is even close to being that popular, but I was reminded that it has indeed been quite a bit of time since I've posted.

I don't have any deep thoughts. The school semester begins in 3 weeks and I just wish I had more time. I have a lot on my heart and mind. Things that I'm trying to figure out and just don't know the answer, or things where the answer that I've always known just doesn't seem to suffice in putting me at ease. I think this is partially why I'm not ready for this semester, I don't want it to come while I'm still praying and figuring these things out. Trying to enter the school year with heavy things on your mind doesn't work so well. I suppose it's going to come anyhow, that's how life is, I've just got to utilize the time that I do have.

Usually when there is something weighing on my mind I'm pretty good at putting it aside, with going on with life, laughing, finding joy still around me. And for the most part I can do it here too. But I'm finding that working my evening shift at the pilgrim is making me incredibly unhappy and discouraged. It could be because the end of the day is that time when you want to sit down and reflect on the day, or at least rest, and instead I'm mopping floors and trying to balance out. I also have more difficulty thinking in straight, I become more lost in my own thoughts, more disjointed, than I normally am. It's really frustrating.

I still haven't gotten any photos from my brothers wedding that was over a month ago, but my aunt did send me this digital picture. My mom is sending me a package soon with pictures from it, then I will show you more.
My adorable (not so) little niece is the flower girl, she's going to be a basketball player when she grows up (and my brother, nathan, is the guy holding that girl in the big white dress). My other brother, nick, is the first gentlemen on the left.

2005-07-25T11:20:00.000-06:00

luxury of tears by blueblack

luxury of tears

I hate it when I cry.

I used to hate crying, when I was a child, because it was a weakness. On school bus rides home I was surrounded by boys, by bullies, who would say anything to make me cry; it usually worked.

I hated that they could make me cry, I hated crying in front of people, I hated how vulernable and weak I was. So I stopped crying in front of people... or at least I tried. I did my best to hold back, but I usually would get angry or frusterated instead, at some points I was just withdrawn and dismal, and then would cry later on, when I was by myself.

I still hate crying, I still hate crying in front of others, it still makes me feel vulnerable Although this acting tough, crying later approach to life has mostly dissipated. Now I hate crying because it seems that I only ever cry for myself. I cry when I feel wounded, when my pride is cut down or when I am humbled about something. (Sometimes cry when some movie twists my emotions) It's not that I don't think people should cry when they're hurt or frusterated, it can be a good release of stress. But why is it I never cry for anyone else? Why is it I don't cry for some else who is hurt, cut down, or humbled? Why is it I don't cry for those around me who are lost, or sick, hurt, or troubled?

I hate it when I cry.

2005-07-13T13:33:00.000-06:00

brothers by garrit

Surreality

So being in Ontario continued to be as busy as it had been when I first arrived and there was no time for me to post again before I left. But being home gave me quite a bit to think about (especially when one has hours in airport terminals to turn things over in their mind) and I couldn't resist posting on one of my reflections (that and I can't resist the airconditioning that the library has, so hot outside!!).

Going home was once again a surreal experience for me; I had realized this in times past, going back at Christmas time and initially when I would go back for the summer. It seems as if its not right that things should change there without me. I held my brothers little girl for the first time and watched my other brother get married, and it took a little while to sink in that the the boys who used to tease me, drive me to school and play practical jokes on me have grown up. On one hand it doesn't seem stange to see Nick as an affectionate father or Nathan finally marrying Stacie, they're both very natural and wonderful things, but then again it just doesn't seem real. But I suppose the tables could be turned on me, does it seem right to them that I moved out here and changed like I have without them.

I have many more thoughts on the distance between my family, but to avoid rabbit trailing I had better move on. Like I initially pointed out going back there can seem slightly surreal, and this got me to thinking about how people quite often comment that this place is a bubble, set aside from the real world. But what I noticed is that here seemed to me, contrary to the opinion that I've heard, to be more real than there. Why this is is no mystery, I have a job, a house (ok, a trailer... a place of my own), bills to pay, a cat to take care; a routine and responsibilities to fill. So I wondered if maybe those that couldn't see this place as reality is because, despite all other reasons or excuses, they never really had many responsibilities. In all honesty Caronport might be filled with 'nicer' people, but they have difficulties and challenges to overcome like anyone else.

It was then that I began to consider what it is that the 'real world' is most usually identified with. And it came down to that the real world is the place that is crueler, harsher; it's the place where it's harder to stand on your own, admist those who beliefs and lifestyles challenge yours. It does seem true that it is easier to grow in Christian thought here, and that there are many who only maintain an image. But out there is full of just as many fakes and flakes, and I'm wondering if maybe not being able to stand as a Christian once you leave this place isn't so much a fault of the place, but of the person. I'm not out to point fingers, and you may be tempted to be cynical saying that sure I can say that while I live here and not there. But I have lived there, and I have been tested in both places... and remember I'm not saying I'm the epitome of all understanding, I'm just thinking. It just seems strange to me that we identify the place that acknowledges God's truth less so as the place that is real.

2005-07-03T13:16:00.000-06:00

childs philosophy by gilad

nitpicking when larger things are afoot

I sometimes wish I could identify faults in myself as easily as we identify faults in others. But if we could see our own faults so readily living with oneself would become increasingly difficult, since we are around ourselves constantly. Maybe we do have the capacity to see our own faults but it is too traumatic for us to handle so our brains just block it out, like how peoples memories block out car accidents and tragic incidents.

Righto, nitpicking. Like many things that I ponder this has been mulling about in my brain for awhile. But usually things seem slightly more formulated in my head before I try to put them in a post. I am beginning to wonder if Christians are getting distracted, or sidetracked, by their pursuit of holiness (and I'm not claiming to be holy and above this downfall). We have these ideas of what holiness is, of what a godly person looks like, we define it, read books books and have discussions about it, and for all the work and understanding are we any closer to being it? You're probably wondering how this fits in with nitpicking. It is with these ideas and definitions that we 'hold each other accountable' which is all meant or started with honest intentions but can come to the point where we are focused on slotting someone into our ideals. To the point where it comes to being less about the person and more about their image. Where friends and siblings (and please don't think that I am saying my friends and/or siblings, I'm speaking from a general meaning) go from seeing and caring about how you're doing to how you don't measure up in every little way and telling you so. I'm not saying we shouldn't encourage each other in our pursuit of holiness, but maybe if we concerned ourselves with their person first than encouraging them might be more... natural... Maybe it's just a problem at Briercrest, maybe I'm nuts (that's highly probable), but I did say that this thought wasn't as formulated as most, well at the least I hope it makes sense. If it doesn't and you do want to understand I'll take you out to coffee and we can talk. seriously.

And since this is the first time I've posted in nearly a month I'm going to jam random thoughts, rants and life-type updates all into one post (I hope you can handle this). Right now I'm actually sitting in my parents house in Ontario, and have been in the province for a few days. My brother is getting married next weekend so I'm home for a few days to visit and help out. The first few days were nutty, with moving my brother into his apartment, going jewellery shopping and family get together last night, and I thought I was going to have nothing to do... ha. My mom has two weeks off (she's a nurse) and school is out for the summer so my father (who is a teacher) and my neice (who is a student) are home as well, so I think we'll find things to do. Such as going swimming (which I'm going to do right now) and making waffles for breakfast (which I'm going to do for them tomorrow... and maybe swap some manly stories). Anyhow, that is all I have time for. Maybe if you're really lucky I'll post again before I leave this internet-laden household.

2005-06-07T15:05:00.000-06:00

road to joy by larafairie

I'm usually not a huge fan of posting polls and quizzes on my blogs but this one I enjoy and think actually tells you something about the person (unlike some of those quizzes, which are really fun I do them all the time but I don't think any of them really tell you much about yourself). Anyhow, it was my birthday on Sunday. My Mom was concerned that I was spending my birthday by myself and at work but it was quite enjoyable and rather symbolic of my time here; quiet and peaceful with a few unexpected surprises. I spent the day reading and relaxing, and then while I was at work my co-workers bought me a mocha and some of my friends showed up with a birthday cake. It made me smile, they made the icing from chocolate pudding and the only candle they could find was a large scented candle in Jordans house. It was great.

1. Total number of books I've owned: many and yet not nearly enough. I can't count them (since one I'm not close to either locations of my books) Here I have an overflowing bookshelf and also there are boxes of books stored in my parents garage at home.

2. Last book I bought: Bought?!? The Joy of Photography I think, at a used bookshop in Moose Jaw 2 months ago. I usually don't (or can't) buy books, I just beg, borrow, or steal.. i mean have them given as gifts... such as the book(s) That I actually wanted: The Greensky Trilogy, which you already know was a birthday gift recently.

3. Last book I read: The Time Machine by H.G. Wells

4. 5 books that mean a lot to me: (Sarah is right, the Bible is a given and these are in no particular order)
1. The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis
2. The Greensky Trilogy by Zilpha Keatley Synder
3. Little Miss Fusspot by my father
4. The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis
5. (I am having serious difficulty filling this last slot in, which is surprising for a nerd like me... I can think of many monumental books and yet I find myself to put any of them in this slot knowing there is some other book that should go here... maybe this slot will be for a book I have not read, or maybe a book that I have not yet written, ha there's a pipe dream., ok this is an open slot for open possibility)

Tag 5 people and have them fill this out in their LJs:

1) Char
2) Rachel
3) Crystal
4) Dez
5) Dawn

Also! I want to share with you my new discovery. I always knew that there was something inheriently cool about Caedmon's Call, I've discovered that it's the writers that were solely responsible for the level of cool. I think (I might have his name wrong) the one is Randall Goodgame, who is hilarious, but also Derek Webb, who I want to recommend you all to check out. He broke away from Caedmon's Call awhile back being fed up with cliche Christian music and has been flying solo. Seriously this guy is great. Here's his website.

2005-05-30T19:04:00.000-06:00

abandonment of youth by aquapell

This is it...

Well people, that fated time has come upon me. Today is the last day I will have my internet connection, at least until the fall. I will be occasionally using the net provided at the pil and possibly at the library, but I do not think I will be updating much on my blog. I would like to think that I would continue to be regular, and I will try to stop in and post, but I do not want to disappoint you with promises of regular posts. This summer, I know, is meant for quiet, peace, and a lot of listening; so I foresee myself being less outspoken for the next few months (or at least trying to be).
So this is me signing out, I'll see you in a little while. In the meantime feel free to email me, or come visit me at the store (I work mostly evenings throughout the week).

2005-05-27T01:29:00.000-06:00

scar d sanity thumb by veraukoion

of thought and thinking...

The thought has occurred to me several times that there seems to be an awful lot of inspirational and directional literature available to us (at least in North America). A great deal of varying thought, persuasive arguments, convincing ideas and honest (and maybe dishonest) opinion. Also along with the mountains of literature that we may so easily acquire and consume is a long history of thought and action at our fingertips; or philosophy and sociology. There have been many who have taken the time to study and know the things that have guided and persuaded us in the past, how humans have handled pursuing truth, and living out convictions and beliefs. And many looking over the past, and many looking at the present, that seem to think they can identify where we have gone wrong and what we need to do to correct it.

I have a question for the popular literature and persuasive thought alike, for most likely one is found in the other, at least these days. And that is what makes our new thoughts of the present to lead us into a better future any different than that of the past? How is what we think and theorize now, what we believe needs to change, what course needs persuing any better than what was chosen before? Or could this just be another fad, another swing of the pendulum, another era...

A thought leads from that to this: does it seem that we cannot say or write anything other than what others around us are already thinking? Or cannot express what is already wanting to be heard? It is just that some of us are better at expressing those thoughts than others and the rest are left saying "yes! That's it!" Like a song that puts exactly how you felt at one point in your life in the perfect description.

I'm sure someone's already thought of this (otherwise I'd be contradicting myself). Are we just moving onto another idea, following another thought, or are we really any closer to knowing more, to finding the truth about all the mysteries that surround us?

~~~~~~~~~
In other news, I have been reading The Greensky Trilogy by Zilpha Keatley Synder,
an early birthday present from my parents. I used to play this old Commodore game called Below the Root as a kid and it wasn't until later discovered that it was actually based on her series and named after the first book. The plot twist to this part of my post is that the series has been out of print for quite some time and it isn't exactly super easy to grab a copy, especially the 2nd and 3rd books. Anyhow I just finished rereading the 1st book this evening, and I want to recommend it (if you can find it) to all of you. It is a children's novel (for older children, not like it's Dick and Jane), but several authors have proved to us that something can be written on a level understandable for children and still be enjoyed by all. Tomorrow I will venture into the unknown and start the second book, I will give you further review once I am done.

2005-05-22T20:23:00.000-06:00

from here forever by massimo78

eat, drink, and be married

This past weekend I was in Edmonton for the first time. I and some friends stayed in the Sutton Place hotel, we went to West Edmonton Mall, we had a most enjoyable weekend, and it was all in the name of Adam's wedding. It was a beautiful wedding, and we spent some good days with the bride and groom while we were there. Went to the rehersal and the rehersal dinner, spent an afternoon at the waterpark, and ended it with their wedding.
I really appreciated my weekend away with good friends and was glad to bear witness to one of those friends new beginnings. The weekend did hold a few challenges for me, and also caused to wonder at what could be in the near future for me. Not marriage necessarily; but seeing where Adam is going from here, seeing him enter a different stage of life, makes me wonder where from here will God will take me. Another year and a half to two years here sounds like such a long time when you've been here 4 four years and are watching those you began with begin to go on to new things. I know I am not the only one still here, there are many who continue on along with me, but the uncertainty of the future doesn't tempt into trying to plan tomorrow so much anymore and I am excited to see where I may go from here. None the less I shall continue to strive to do as a wise friend once advised me, "don't try to hurry happenings along nor lag behind so that you miss out. Keep in step with the Lord."
Sarah is leaving Tuesday morning, and Drew on Monday or Tuesday; the progression into the quietness of summer continues and I hope that along with the quietness I can also manage to achieve a level of simplicity to match it. I think I should begin with simplifying the mess that is in my room.

2005-05-18T03:27:00.000-06:00

(This is a rhodedendron, a flowering shrub native to North America.)
r. arboreum by djberry

I started digging plots for my gardens outside, it's quite a bit of work in this hardy Saskatchewan soil. But the physical activity is good for me. I am excited for pretty flowers and delicious fresh veggies... I also discovered that my new neighbour, Jordon, is also planting a few gardens. We went shopping last Saturday and got some gardening supplies, we deciding to share tools to make it cheaper for ourselves. Having that common thread with him is kind of exciting, that and we work together, it's kinda nice to be able to get together and share in something like gardening with a neighbour.
Because I know all of you are sitting on the edge of your computer chairs wondering in suspense.... what is jo planting in her garden??
I'll end the suspense.
In the front we're going to have some lovely flowers,

there will be sunflowers

poppies
(don't worry there will be no opium manufacturing
going on, they're not red poppies)

also some lupins
and one of my favorites, columbines

I also have a full veggie garden that will go in the backyard; which will contain cucumbers, green beans, tomatoes, bell peppers, carrots, sweet corn (!!) and my usual wide assortment of herbs.
Tomorrow... well, today rather, I leave for Edmonton. This weekend is Adam's wedding (my old neighbour and friend). We are scheduled to leave in about 5 hours, but I don't have to drive, in fact I'm creating a nook for myself in the small 'backseat' of Drew's truck. It's the space behind the front seat that has two little pull down seats; I extensive plans of (not using the child sized pull down seats and) padding it up with pillows and blankets and maybe taking a good nap or two. Adam's wedding is on Saturday, we plan to spend some time in the waterpark of West Edmonton Mall on Friday, Nolan and I, and possibly others I don't know, are going to go gallavanting with Dez as our guide on Thurs and somewhere in there we might go see Star Wars.
It should be a riot.

Also, although I've always had a love for photography, a deep appreciation for those who are truly talented, lately I've been thinking about it more. Wishing I had a digital for fun run abouts, and am still drooling over those fancy canons and nikons. Maybe it's because I have more time to browse the photos on deviant art, play with my camera and read some of those photography books I bought awhile back. Maybe I'll start saving those amazing tips at the convient store for a pro camera (ha, if people put coins other than pennies in the penny jar I get it as a tip). Maybe I will have to start a savings for a nice camera like the Nikon F55 , but I'll do research while I wait for the funds to slowly accumulate. Maybe I'll read more of those books in my nook in Drews truck.

Anyhow have a great weekend everyone! I'll tell you grand stories of Edmonton, and maybe a few pictures to boot, in a few days. And maybe I'll have a thought provoking post for you soon as well.

2005-05-16T18:45:00.000-06:00

under construction

I wouldn't neccessarily say that the 'summer' has provided me with a gracious amount of time to think thus far. However it seems that now that the semester is over, now that people have left, now that the summer months have set in, now everything that has happened over this past year seems to be coming up in my mind. I can imagine that most people take time to reflect when something comes to an end, but this is less like my year in review and more like the happenings of the year catching up to me. I wouldn't say I'm slow to react at everything, but quite often I've noticed that I have this strange delayed reaction time when something happens to me or someone says something to me. Sometimes it just takes a little time for reality to set in. Or maybe it is better phrased in the words I used above, sometimes it just takes a little time for reality to catch up to me. As if I'm often running a few steps ahead of it.

I would never deny that I am a blessed person, living in a great deal of luxury. But, even with this knowledge everpresent in my mind, this past year has still seemed pretty rough on me. So many good things have happened and yet so many disheartening things. I don't regret anything that has happened, but it does cause me to let out a long sigh from the weight of it all, and not regretting doesn't mean I feel any less hurt; only that I (only by God's grace) not let it rule my life.. He holds me, and I am eager to see what He wants to teach me this summer...

Ok well, I did some rearranging over on the side there, if you will notice nojo ind is also there. That link will actually bring you to my deviant art account which has more of the nojo goodness!! Enjoy!

2005-05-11T19:13:00.000-06:00

Recently, a friend and I birthed a new corporation. We call it nojo industries. What in the world would nojo industries produce? I thought I'd give you, my beloved readers, a small taste.

we're thinking of putting out encouraging calenders, and maybe selling prints...

2005-05-03T20:06:00.000-06:00

vanillia courtyard by severin m. koller

moving up and going on

Grad is only a week and a half in the past, and yet it seems like it's been a long time. The feeling of summer is lacking, maybe because I'm still here, or maybe its because not everyone has left yet; it feels rather like mod week, a really quiet mod week. But this is good, easing into the summer here sounds like a much better idea than being surrounded by a lot of students one day and finding oneself in a ghost town the next. As people have left I've inherited a large assortment of plants to keep my seedlings company, so the house is looking mighty green. We also finally got kitchen chairs to replace those hideous ones that we've been meaning to replace since the beginning of the year. This is feat of extradinary greatness. We've acquired other things with the coming of the end of the year, but there was one special item that has come my way, which is a bike. It's old, it's got issues, but it's mine. I've got wheels.

As well as scoring on the free stuff I actually did some shopping for myself. I went shoe shopping the other day, which I haven't done in a long time. I have been in desperate need of some good running shoes, and also needed something for my brother's wedding. I bought a new handbag since vincent and cady ate the handle off my last one. And I have also been investing here and there in garden tools. I have a hand spade, a little hoe, got some topsoil for potting needs and to mix with the clay in my backyard, and I even got a new hose head to go on the hose that we found in our trailers when we moved in. So there has been lots of fun and new things all around.

There were a few days where I was slightly worried about employment for the summer, there are a lot of people looking for hours around here it seems and not enough work them all. Anyhow I was beginning to wonder if I would have enough to support myself, let alone saving up for the fall semester, and wondering why God would ask me to stay here with no means of providing. But as warded off panic by actually talking to God about it, and he reminded me that provided I was willing to be obedient he would provide. A few days later I got handed a multitude of shifts and ended up working 30 hours that week, with 35 waiting for me in the next. Unfortunately that amount of hours couldn't continue, since there are many others to employ, but I had made the effort of inquiring about work at the establishment at the front of Caronport. Most of you know about The Point, which is overseen by Sodexho, the same company that runs the caf where I work now. I didn't expect much, just hoped for a few shifts a week (especially for when my hours dipped below 20 hours at the caf). After some phone tag and an almost goose hunt in Caronport, the definate answer came today.

Starting Sunday I will be working in the convience store 8pm-2am Sunday through Thursday. Which, by coincidence, allows me to be available for Joe's Place on the weekends, and go to Church. I didn't realize this until after talking to the manager; I didn't have to barter, beg, nor even banter for it, it was just handed to me. I know I am regularily humbled, but to be humbled and so blessed at the same time isn't a usual method (it's usually humbled and embarrassed). I wasn't quite a doubting Thomas, I knew I was supposed to be here, and while my emotions were tempted to panic my head held onto that knowledge. But still, God made my work schedule fit so appropriately with other things and still allowed me to work 30 hours a week. Enough work to support and save, and enough time to seek Him, act out His love, and study a little. God is amazing and works out His plans with such care that it shames even the smallest amount of doubt. I do not hang onto the shame, I am more overwhelmed by thankfulness, and while I will miss my friends at the caf I look foward to regular hours. And shifts that are more than 3 hours long! Some days at the caf (like the past 2 days and tomorrow) I've been working at breakfast, lunch and dinner, so from 7-9, 11-2, and 4-6:30. That can become tiresome, even in a small span of time, though I was thankful for the work. So the dishpit princess is moving up in the world, although I think working in the dishpit is less scary and sometimes more fun than other positions. So many things to mess up and people to get angry or impatient with you out there, and in the dishpit we can dance around to music and sing horribly to U2 (and of course work too); it was a nice little niche in the caf. Well maybe I could sing along to music horribly to music in the convience store. Something tells me it wouldn't amuse the customers as much as it amused my co-workers.

Well that is enough chatter, I'll bring this to a close. I've been sewing myself some summer clothes, and I've been 'contracted' to sew a coat like vash the stampede's for a friend. It's really great when the things you like to do are also functional and can bring in a little money. I think I will go and do a little more of said sewing.

2005-05-01T10:05:00.000-06:00

cinemascope

are you listening?

As the last few weeks of school were in progress I had an observation that straddles the academic world and popular television shows; that also straddles the past and present. I have noticed that there are many of us who consider most truth to be in the ancient texts--the Bible, the desert fathers, ancient philosophers-- and there some who consider those things irrelevant to modern society; here, I find people usually respect both age old wisdom and fresh thinking. But similar to that varience in mindset I have noticed a another trend. There are some of us who remain incredibly focused on schorlarily studies making little time for entertainment; thinking that only studies hold relevance to life they steer away from tv, movies, computer games or play stations. Then there are others who find studying overrated and assignments a great waste of time which holds little relevance to real life; some of these people spend a great deal of time watching the televsion and sitting in front of their computers.

Many find themselves between the two extremes, alloting time for their studies but allowing for a good space of time to veg. However, there are still many who lean towards one side of the other. But people have been made for different purposes so will pursue different priorities (or is it that they pursue different priorities that they become made for different purposes... hmmm), my observation isn't quite so focused on the mindset as the attitude... and how that attitude can be caught unaware. I, myself, have leaned towards the former mindset of being incredibly focused on studies. Though I have watched movies and tv I never really held it in high regard, I usually see it more as a time to spend time with people than anything else (when one talks a great deal before and after, and sometimes through a show this actually can be seen as social). And I have noticed that leaning towards this side can result in an attitude of haughtiness; not only does one just not choose to watch tv in their spare time, but they can be 'above' choosing to watch tv or play video games. I have not quite hit that sort of attitude, but the possibility was there. There is a possibility of making it an object of pride, that tv, or movies only dumb us down; that instead of wasting my spare time on brainless tv shows I could enlighten myself reading novels (or working to pay off my debt... heh...).

Over this semester I have seen a classmate apply what we are learning in a class on Hebrew poetry and wisdom into how he leads worship, many would not be able to see the connection, but having been in the class and listened I can see how it connects. What we were learning in class and what we were learning from ancient texts has feasibly and unsuprisingly connected to a modern life. But I also saw this semester, which caught me unaware, was hearing a simple and deep truthful statement on a prime time television show. In a gap of my time constraints and using the excuse of social quality time I sat down and watched an episode of Lost, and yes was hooked (It is a refreshing change from the reality tv shows that have infiltrated the tv stations). And in watching this series heard a character state the line that brought on a post about a month ago. Evidences for the principles of life are accesible throughout life, not just in past life, but also present; not only in the life of great thinkers, but even in entertainment. Evidences for truth are still available in strange and curious facets. I do not by any means recommend that we should spend countless hours in front of a tv looking to media to discover truths, but I do want to ask, 'are you listening?' Would you know it if you heard or would the words slide over your consciousness like water glides over parched and dry land... being able to recount all that you've heard doesn't necessarily mean that it has sunken in, especially if a mindset, or the attitude that develops from it, stands between your head and your heart.

2005-04-27T10:11:00.000-06:00

red astonishment by ssilence

maybe I should get dreads like these.

Anyhow, there is a new segment for Port Caron
Christian Society Soap Opera fans eat your heart out!!

2005-04-19T08:57:00.000-06:00

about life and freedom by tyoib

Pleasant Hum Drum

I've finished my exams as of yesterday morning. I have free time now, and I'm really not sure what in the world to do with myself. OK, I do have a few ideas, and it is still busy around here as I cover shifts for other people at the caf and try see everyone before they leave.

After more than 7 months our house, which we lovingly call Ipanema, is beginning to look more like a home. Sarah bought a love seat and a coffee table which makes the living room more full, more like a living room. Nolan helped me put up one of my broken mirror art peices on the wall in the living room(and when I say helped I mean he did it, infact I wasn't even there). And on Sat Dez and I put up a few of her puzzles; one of the Notre Dame in Montreal (which I absolutely love) and another of Van Gough's starry night (which is also fabulous). So the living room is looking fuller, more like a home, on the walls and floor alike.

There are ways that the house is starting to look like a home outside of the living room; in fact it will eventually be outside of the house. I started planting last week, started growing plants inside so they will be well grown and strong by planting weekend (generally the first weekend in June... i think... is the proper planting time, it is a safe distance after the last frost, and that weekend is when the home based greenhouses, and the horticultural society, sell their excess plants). Anyhow, the prospect of having a garden is exciting, and will definately make this place seem more like a home, and I think my old plot of dirt in Ontario should be given as an inheiritance to my neice. She seems to share the love of getting things to grow, so I think she would be a most appropriate person to hand the responsibility over to. She would take care of the plants that still remain there, and add some new ones of her own.

I cooked a whole chicken for the first time on Sunday, which I am pleased to say turned out quite well. It was one of our communal dinners, where the boys next door and Sarah and I get together to have a nice dinner. Adam made the potatoes and brought a pie and we all conveined in our (full and homey) living room for what will be possibly be the second last time we have a big meal together (Our last meal will be when we get together for Adam's wedding).

So that is the pleasant hum drum, throughout these simple pleasures and finishing up classes God continues to teach me and stretch me, and my mind continues to turn on many things. At many points I've been quiet and distant, though sometimes I think I talk too much and should just stop speaking, and I've got that end of the year worn-outness that college students get. But all is well here, Ipanema is beginning to see sunnier days and will soon see the fruits (and veggies and flowers) of a properous garden.

2005-04-11T22:00:00.000-06:00

far away by ssilence

Of Judging Wisdom and Humility

Lately I've been feeling judged, or misjudged. I guess both apply, I have to be
judged to be misjudged, but I waiver on the edge of digressing. Lately I've been
feeling judged. It could just be me, maybe I'm over sensitive, or dillusioned, but I
did say it was a feeling,and not a fact. The latest of which a friend quite flippantly
told me in the midst of a conversation that I had a huge chip on my shoulder
about guys. It hit me hard that someone who has known me for as long as he has
could know me so little. And that he handled it with such little care to cast it on me
while working at Joe's and then leave me with nothing but a smirk. Like a friend
punching you in the stomach while you're at work and then just walking away
expecting you to be able continue what you're doing like he's only just saidhello.
I will admit that there can be an impression of this about me that I didn't realize
before and that I would like to shed that. But to have a friend judge me for
appearance, to not try to understand my circumstance, just really hurts. There have
been a few incidents where I feel like others are grossly misjudging me on
appearance. Granted that will always happen, but lately it just seems a little more
often, and by people you'd hope would attempt to understand, you'd hope they'd be
forgiving.

Anyhow like any little thing in life it got me to thinking, with the aid of some readings
I have been doing. Before this had afflicted my brain, my mind had been turning on
wisdom and humility, two very general aspects of life and humanity. I've been
studying James 3 for hermeneutics, as well as reading Hobbes for philosophy,
and C.S. Lewis just because; where wisdom and humility has been popping up.It
has occurred to me, throughout enduring life's lessons, that humility is at the heart of
every lesson and wisdom the goal of it. For we are humbled when we are shown that
there is something we need to be taught, we must admit in humility that we need to be
taught (or in other words we were not so wise as we thought), and are wiser for doing
so. But the beginning problem is the diffculty in realizing that maybe we are not so
wise as we thought. Hobbes touched on wisdom in speaking of the degree in which
mankind is equal,

      That which may perhaps make such equality incredible is but a vain conceit
      of one's own wisdom, which almost all men think they have in greater degree                                   
      than the vulgar; that is, than all men but themselves, and a few others, whom  
      by fame, or for concurring with themselves, they approve. For such is the 
      nature of men that howsoever they may acknowledge many others to be more 
      witty, or more eloquent, or more learned, yet they will hardly believe that 
      there there be many so wise as themselves; for they see their own wit at hand, 
      and other men's at a distance. But this proveth rather that men are in that 
      point equal, than unequal.

Hobbes is perhaps exaggerating, but he has the clear point that we often like to think
ourselves wiser than maybe we really are. What does this have to do with judging
others? Well, when we think ourselves wise, we also think ourselves fit to adequately
judge others. It makes me wonder how often I have judged others and not even
realized that I am basing opinion on outward appearance. It makes me hate the
whole concept of first impressions, and trying to know a person and their character
without patience and forgiveness. There is more to think about, such as what is
wisdom, or who is wise, if all of us who think we are, maybe aren't? And of course
humility is showing up here to. What is it to be humble? But that's a discussion for
another post, or maybe for the comment section....

2005-03-28T11:29:00.000-06:00

boulevard of broken dreams by gwarf

"You're not alone... don't pretend to be"

Lately it seems I've become more reclusive. Have you ever realized that a person can be surrounded by others and still be isolated? Having most of your time consumed by homework and work, while others have more liberty to seek leisure pleasures, definately isolates person. But even since being released from a rush of assignments, I am still withdrawn. While I am trying not to avoid being with others, because I know I need them--we need each other, even if it is just to be in the same room together and that is all-- there is still this strange seperation.

Becoming withdrawn is not always a bad thing, at least I don't think so, it can allow for comtemplation and maybe becoming more observant. Which in a sense is appropriate for me at this point, since I am headed towards a summer of spending time listening to God. But we all can be tempted to allow being reclusive to slip into feeling alone, tempted to think that no one understands how we think, what we are going through, or even to think that we are just inadequate at relating or explaining our thoughts. From there we are tempted to act on those feelings by neglecting our need for companionship. Neglecting companionship is sometimes different than avoiding people, it can also happen when we spend time with others and completely abstain from engaging in the lives around us; remaining distant and impersonal in conversation, for example. I am tempted to slip into this, and as I was thinking about it, 1 Corithians 10:13 once again was revived in my mind, this time to remind me that we are not alone, even someone as odd and apparantly random (I've been referred to as such) as myself. We are not alone in our afflictions, thoughts, or experiences, and we're especially not alone in feeling alone; we shouldn't act as though we are.

2005-03-26T23:18:00.000-06:00

the graeae ii by nineveh

So it's another night at Joe's Place... yes I'm writing a blog while at Joe's. What can I say, I'm a slacker... (Joe's is the youth centre in Moose Jaw that I volunteer at) The school year is three weeks from being over. Students have, in the midst of their last assignments, started the counting down the days to the beginning of a summer spent somewhere else. For once I have no such countdown, and though in past years I had rather disliked having to pack my life up to transport it somewhere else for 4 months, now not leaving holds a slight sadness.
While I know there will be familiar faces here, Caronport is definately close to desolate in the summer. Strange to think but this summer will be much different than past summers... much different. For one, I'm not in Ontario. And two, I've never experienced the extreme dry heat (Ontario is all about the heavy humidity). The reality of the uncertainty and the newness that this summer will hold is starting to set in. I am being perfectly honest when I say I'm not scared, and I'm not worried. But I know this summer will be strange, and more than probably will be tough. I'm not planning on keeping my net connection after May, but I'll make sure to keep you updated, possibly weekly, through the library.

2005-03-21T00:37:00.000-06:00

HALF

So after two weeks of much pressure, working as many extra hours as I can in the caf and ripping off 5 papers (one of which was my philosophy thesis defense... ouch, that one hurt), fighting with my computer to get rid of viruses, and fighting off a few viruses myself, I am back. I am not 'fully operational'... but still quite potent... (ok that was a Star Wars reference, I have crossed the line into random nerdness, we can thank my brothers and the multiple Saturdays we spent watching those movies... and if you don't get it, I apologize. Enough rambling I will give you potential...)

So I was pondering the age old dispute of is the glass half full or half empty, and how perspective plays upon all that we encounter. As I was thinking of how anything could ever seem both hopelessly optimistic and yet incredibly pessimistic, I wondered, is it ever possible to only see the glass as half?
Any person, and in fact most persons, would like to think themselves a realist, and that maybe from their viewpoint the world seems so much clearer, well at least to them it does. And there are those that can manage to see both points of view that the empty half has and the full half has. Then they try to reconcile the two sides and wish they would just stop fighting and talk it out...
But, is it ever possible to see that glass as half?

I'll let your brains munch on that, or at least let your fingers type a response, while I work on constructing another post... many things have been puttering around in my brain, maybe I can get one of those thoughts written down.

2005-03-03T22:56:00.000-06:00

OK, faithful blogger readers, and not so faithful blogger readers... so everyone... Right, so, I have been given a genius idea; a friend of mine has decided to have a mailing list for those people who are interesting in reading her blog, so when she puts up a new post she sends out a quick email saying it has been updated.
Since I have not been overly frequent in blogging, or at least not as frequent as I may have once been, and since you all are very busy I thought this may be a good thing for 'life of a not so ordinary jo.'
I figure this way you can have the comforting knowledge that when something new and hot comes up here you will know about it, instead of every day checking the site, screaming at your computer "GOSH... Why doesn't this girl ever UPDATE!" (sorry if you can't stand Napolean Dynamite). I'm also toying with the idea of emailing when new poems have been put up on 'tell me no lies' since it kind of gets lost in the shuffle of everything else... I dunno, tell me what you think and if interested, send me an email (godsbutterfli@gmail.com), or slap a comment on this, and make sure I have the email address that works best for you!
ok, that is all...

2005-02-28T21:37:00.000-06:00

as the crows sing by nayla

Ne Pas De Boys?

It's official, I'm done with boys. Please don't worry, it's only temporary. Indefinite, but temporary. So as my friend Chantie has been saying, ne pas de boys! That's probably horrible French... we'll blame Chantie if it is.

Boys, there is nothing wrong with you; I'll make that disclaimer up front. This is not a frustration with you, or bitterness towards boys in general, but right now I'm meant to be single. It isn't as if I've dated a lot, in fact I've dated very, very little; but I have spent a lot of time looking for someone. God has been pressing on my heart the words, 'he's not here', when I first heard them I passed it off.. I passed it off as one of those fears that creep into your heart, like 'what if I never find anyone?' 'What if I die alone?' Or 'what if I become a cat lady?' But gradually I've come to accept those words (he's not here... I'm pretty sure I'll never accept any idea of becoming a cat lady). Often confessing or declaring something is a sign of accepting it; this post is the first time that I have declared or confessed that God has pressed those words on my heart. I think I've finally accepted them.

He's not here... I cannot tell you what exactly that is supposed to mean. Whether it means that I will not find anyone here throughout my time here, or whether he's not here right now. Whether I will have to wait until years from now, or whether it will be tomorrow. There are many explanations that my flexible mind could jump mental gymnastics around, but that is not the point of those words. Those words are meant to guide, not to confuse me or for me to analyze. I will admit there have been a few boys here this year that I have thought, 'hey, he's cool' (and I said it just like that), but there was always that nagging knowledge that nothing would happen, at least nothing that God would have me engage in (heh, I need to be careful how I use that word around Briercrest). I do have a feeling that this may, at the least, last throughout the summer; other than the fact that I don't think I'll meet many single boys in my age range between April to August. I know God has pressed it on my heart to stay in the cport this summer, I think he means for me to be here with as little distractions as possible (and the cport is a good place to get away from distractions). I think this summer will be God and I, and hopefully a job, having a very long serious chat. And I am very much done discussing my relational status... or lack there of, there are bigger things afoot.

In my life lately there has been quite a bit of battling, by God's grace I have been winning, but it is making me tired. Satan's been working overtime... there's been nothing new, but he's been pushing all kinds of buttons to see which one can hit a nerve. There have been temptations to worry about things I can't change (mainly finances), temptations to dwell on past mistakes or sorrows, and temptations to focus too much on what may come in the future (such as the hopeful change in relational status) and most certainly tempted to doubt self worth (oooh I could write a whole post and a half on that stupid thing.... in fact I think I have). Sound familiar? They're typical methods satan uses to wane on one's patience. There is nothing that tempts me that isn't common to all of us; I know God stands by my side, giving me the strength to endure through whatever may come my way, 1 Corinthians 10:13 tells us this. Today was tough; I had a lot of studying to do, so I spent a lot of time in front of my computer, trying to hold off certain thoughts and distractions in order to focus on philosophy. And in the last week a lot of interesting situations have popped up, causing a lot of thoughts and questions... ponderings and concerns...

If you remember, please pray for me, we all need help and by remembering me in your prayers would help quite a bit. Heh... it's been awhile since I've written a proper post... a jo post as I think Dawn would call it... I hope this suffices.

2005-02-20T09:57:00.000-06:00

bench in woods by indospan

alone?

I watched Shadowlands, so now I want your thoughts on something...

Do we read to know we're not alone?

Do we love to know we're not alone?

2005-02-16T16:29:00.000-06:00

condition by J i m

Two unconnected thoughts...

So I read Ecclesiates for class the other day, and found something very interesting, the most qouted part of the book would definately be the beginnng part of chapter 3:

There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven--

A time to give birth and a time to die;
A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.
A time to kill and a time to heal;
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.
A time to search and a time to give up as lost;
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;
A time to be silent and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate;
A time for war and a time for peace.

What profit is there to the worker from that in which he toils?
I have seen the task which God has given the sons of men with which to occupy themselves. He has made everything appropriate in its time.

As I was reading the text book for the class the author made an interesting point, that this Scripture is more than often read in the understanding that there is a right moment for people to do things, he proposes that they mean just the reverse that "all moments are in the hands of God, who does them in a rhythm that is beyond human calculation."

anyhow, a completely different thought, more a musing that I thought I would share with you...

Why does it seem that either I am comtemplative, sad, maybe even depressed (or depressing) due to unfortunate circumstances or bubbling over in excitement to the point of embarrasment and foolishness due to favourable circumstances... I'm either happy and embarrasing myself or sad because I have done so... ah musings...

2005-02-12T10:45:00.000-06:00

a loss for hope by handsinpantsdance
(some of these artists create the strangest names...)

I am a fool
yes, a loser too.
I've done it again,
gone and messed up.
Have lost sight of wisdom.

Even Solomon in the midst of despair,
still had some grip on wisdom.
Saying there is time
for every event
under heaven,

A time to be silent

and a time to speak.

But I am left struggling

having left wisdom behind

desperately tying to find
myself in the middle.

I am left to watch myself
practicing the very evil
that I do not wish.

Instead of seeing
and showing the good
that I so wish I would do.

But I am not the only one
who struggled with that.

Your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

I just wish I could see
how I could possibly be
fearfully or wonderfully made.

I don't fear You
nearly enough.

For if I did
maybe I would
strive to align myself
with the image that I am
supposed to reflect a little more.

But it's not going to happen in an instant.
No I am not a complete loss for hope,
just wish I could do what I wish.
I am struggling to gain myself,
and leaving behind the fool.

2005-02-11T11:03:00.000-06:00

when the tide goes out by rustajb

Got.. to.. shake.. Bridal Quest mindset...

well spring fever is beginning to hit, but I'm not jaded or bitter (...no that doesn't mean I am going to be participating in this years hook up fever...). I've even running around singing/humming "Love Song for No One" and smirking to myself. There is no one except Hume and Kant to keep me engaged, though I'm hardly alone on a Friday. Well at least not this Friday, my peeps keep me company and I am even going to have waffles with a friend tonight. Life is pretty much the same, though many things have been weighing on my mind, God is stretching me, more so than usual...

"Love Song For No One"

Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me

2005-02-03T16:30:00.000-06:00

take my hand
by devilicious

It occurs to me that we should beware of those who have the appearance of being oblivious or unobservant. They often know more than they let on. It also occurs to me that those who seem to be knowledgeable are often just as lost as the person who seems to be oblivious...

Ok, I haven't posted in awhile, the masses have begun to stir, to grumble... it makes a girl feel so loved... many things have happened and yet I am uncertain of what to tell you.
School work keeps me busy, I've got assignments scattered all the way through the semester (so instead of a crazy couple of weeks I'm steadily busy most of the time). Classes are going well, keeping on top of everything, and am almost done with a blasted DL that seems to go on forever. Work is work, I average around 12 hours a week, nothing big but it covers the rent.

Beka moved in at the beginning of the semester, the house is a little more lively with a third occupant, and the boys from Free Brygmann built a snow citadel in our (as they like to call it since they really don't have one) front yard.

I've been hanging around with the boys from Grace Abbey (which is just across the road) and also some boys down the road. I do have to say I find these people not only to be very cool and deep, but also absolutely hilarious. God once again has blessed me with more fantastic friends.

It was day of prayer this past Tuesday, which was needed. The week before I had been going through some spiritual struggles, things like being over concerned with money issues, questioning a lot of things like what I am really doing here... but there were a few worrying concerns on my mind, and as I prayed over those things God warned me that something big was coming... of course it is interesting how something can happen without us realizing how very important it really was... anyhow as I was praying on Tuesday I was asking Him to talk to me, since I was supposed to be waiting on God and hurrying to listen to Him. As I prayed the words, 'wait, just wait' were the only answer He gave me. He's spoken those exact words to me before... actually it was about this time last year... Anyhow, He's holding my hand and I am constantly reminded that I am His little girl. And that, everybody, is what is up with me. Maybe someday soon I will come out with some fresh rant or deep thought to tickle your brain with...

2005-01-13T13:44:00.000-06:00

rays of reflection by ssilence

I'm at the end of the first week of second semester, and old tendencies are attempting to break through as I look at the work ahead of me, I'm tempted to panic, especially when I consider the time factor of work, and the little things around the house that need to get done. I have in past years felt the only way to prove myself was to push myself harder and harder academically... and so I would panic over school work. I've since learned that I need to let of of proving myself through my school work, let go of proving worth through my GPA and instead studying for the benefit of increasing wisdom and knowledge... and my spiritual life as Kevin Faucett taught us today (wish I could get the power point on that chapel, I love it when he speaks).
I haven't written much partially because of the reading load that got dumped on me at the beginning of the week, but also because I haven't had much to say. Christmas was simplistic, which was good, needed just to chillax. But also God has been reiterating a few things to me. At the beginning of the school year he used a mentor to speak to me, telling me not to be in a hurry to do, but hurry to hear and wait in His presence . He is urging that message again, to listen, to wait on Him. And I am excited to do that, last semester I needed to step away from the rush of everything, took a lighter semester. This semester I am excited to bring that aspect of focusing on God back into a regular work load, to listen to God in class, in school work, maybe even the dish pit (goodness knows he's spoken to me there before) as well as in my personal time with Him.
Besides that, it is bloody cold outside, in fact its pretty cold inside... it's just cold. Anyhow I've got some reading to do before I run off to the dishpit!

2004-12-29T19:17:00.000-06:00

by turkish romeo boy

Of the various things I wish I could be, I wish I could be a photographer to take pictures like this...

2004-12-18T22:35:00.000-06:00

I'm not really sure of where to start with what I want to say... or what I want to ask... hmph. There continues to be a problem, in the hearts of all mankind, an inherent desire to prove or boast about one thing being better than another. This felt need is more then apparant, especially here at Briercrest, in the never-ending debate of who is the better country. Over the years I've seen Canadians slightly bittered by being the country next to the land of freedom and opportunity, responding in the way we shine best... through comedy. Jokes, television shows, commercials with animated beavers, Canadians wanting to prove that we're worth something, but as is oft in trying to gain worth, or 'equality', the effort exceeds trying to be at level with others to trying to above and beyond. I have heard Canadians diss America. I have heard Americans diss Canada. I have heard Americans rant about all that is corrupt and wrong in their country. I have heard Canadians reject their country because of the things they haven't done right. I have felt the weight of those who think that Canada is nothing but hethenistic wasteland and today I heard the bitter frustration of an American friend who has felt the weight of Canadians who press upon him the opposite opinion. What I want to know is (or ask)

why do we gotta be like that?

Neither Canada nor America is perfect, and they are both oceans away from being the promised land. There is a desperate attitude of unforgiveness when it comes to the other party's faults; please do not think I'm saying we should have any sort of complacent leniency towards those downfalls. I just don't think that consistently boasting about one's greatness (and coincedently shoving the others faults in their face) would encourage anyone to see what is right.

C.S. Lewis once noted "that though the world is slow to forgive, it is quick to forget." And his observation is well displayed in a story of how a girl and her friend had gotten into a tiff over some small disagreement. The girl refused to speak to her friend, she in fact outrightedly ignored her, until her friend would ask for forgiveness over the matter. Six months passed before her friend finally broke down and begged the girl to forgive her, by which point the girl had long forgotten what it was they had argued over, though she had certainly remembered that she wasn't talking to her friend. It makes me wonder if we have moved past being unforgiving because we see a fault, to seeing only fault because we are unforgiving. I could be wrong but I don't think the person who said we should forgive and forget meant that we should pretend like the wrong we are forgiving never happened, but that instead we will not hold that wrong against them. If we forgot everything that we forgave I'm pretty sure we'd just end up continuously making the same mistakes over and over again instead of learning from the times we've messed up (I'm emcompassing learning from our own mistakes as well as learning from others mistakes). I wonder if maybe that's why history repeats itself...

I had meant this to be a short post... anyhow, I want to say: America I'm sorry. Please forgive me for ever having a condescending attitude, for ever mentioning your downfalls in jest. Please forgive me if I have ever been complacent or over lenient.

I know my country is faulted, but if everyone who sees all that is wrong with it leaves then who is left to help others see the truth?

2004-12-16T18:02:00.000-06:00

You Are a Pundit Blogger!

Your blog is smart, insightful, and always a quality read.
Truly appreciated by many, surpassed by only a few.

What kind of blogger are you?

anyone shocked... surprised.. anyone??... right...

(for anyone who is curious, someone who is pundit has been admitted to membership in a scholarly feild, in this case the scholarly feild of blogging... scholary... blogging...)

Ok, the polls have shown that there is a high interest in seeing some pictures from that fateful evening in which I lost my hair... everytime I think about it Kristen Dunsts' voice pops in my head, when she played Amy March in Little Women, exclaiming "Oh Jo, your one true beauty"... ha. All right folks, ye asked, and ye shall recieve...

Kris, myself and Dez: the before picture

more before pictures, because they're really cool... Kris took this one of my fantastic dreads

Dez and I, aaaw, aren't we cute?

ok, on with the show, dez went first

and she looks oh so cute!

next in the lineup was Kris,

here you can see the face of our beautiful assistant, Alison

and lastly, myself

The here after... that is Dawn in the front.

so there it is... hope you've enjoyed the show!

2004-12-11T15:39:00.000-06:00

a cold christmas day by aquasixio

Some Random Thoughts

First off, I need to poll the audience. The girls and I did indeed follow through with shaving our heads for the cancer fundraiser, and there were an amazing amount of pictures taken. What I would like to know is if any of you would like to see pictures from that evening.

Second, Christmas is two weeks from today. I have met some cynics of the Christmas season, mostly due to take over of commercialization, this is highly unfortunate for the holiday season still holds many good things. Although it is incredibly doubtful that December 25th is the actual birthdate of Jesus, and although we should always remember this, it is good to have a day dedicated to the fact that God humbled himself for us. I am also excited to see my family, I miss them, and my friends there, I miss them too. Also the holidays means three weeks with no deadlines, no homework, no work even, and that's the best gift I think I will get, a break spent with my family. ok... so... what are you looking foward to this holiday season? Or what do you look foward to every holiday season?

Third! I have promised to make a 'special mention' to a new friend of mine. Would all the blogger readers please give a warm welcome to Solomon. I met him on the internet!! Ha, there's more to it than that... but it goes to show how the world is full of strange connections. I met him through Erin, my roommate from second year, or rather through an email she sent out. Anyhow turns out we both know Joe Dueck, who runs the youth centre I volunteer at. Yay for random associations...

ok, I think that is all.