as the crows sing by nayla
Ne Pas De Boys?
It's official, I'm done with boys. Please don't worry, it's only temporary. Indefinite, but temporary. So as my friend Chantie has been saying, ne pas de boys! That's probably horrible French... we'll blame Chantie if it is.
Boys, there is nothing wrong with you; I'll make that disclaimer up front. This is not a frustration with you, or bitterness towards boys in general, but right now I'm meant to be single. It isn't as if I've dated a lot, in fact I've dated very, very little; but I have spent a lot of time looking for someone. God has been pressing on my heart the words, 'he's not here', when I first heard them I passed it off.. I passed it off as one of those fears that creep into your heart, like 'what if I never find anyone?' 'What if I die alone?' Or 'what if I become a cat lady?' But gradually I've come to accept those words (he's not here... I'm pretty sure I'll never accept any idea of becoming a cat lady). Often confessing or declaring something is a sign of accepting it; this post is the first time that I have declared or confessed that God has pressed those words on my heart. I think I've finally accepted them.
He's not here... I cannot tell you what exactly that is supposed to mean. Whether it means that I will not find anyone here throughout my time here, or whether he's not here right now. Whether I will have to wait until years from now, or whether it will be tomorrow. There are many explanations that my flexible mind could jump mental gymnastics around, but that is not the point of those words. Those words are meant to guide, not to confuse me or for me to analyze. I will admit there have been a few boys here this year that I have thought, 'hey, he's cool' (and I said it just like that), but there was always that nagging knowledge that nothing would happen, at least nothing that God would have me engage in (heh, I need to be careful how I use that word around Briercrest). I do have a feeling that this may, at the least, last throughout the summer; other than the fact that I don't think I'll meet many single boys in my age range between April to August. I know God has pressed it on my heart to stay in the cport this summer, I think he means for me to be here with as little distractions as possible (and the cport is a good place to get away from distractions). I think this summer will be God and I, and hopefully a job, having a very long serious chat. And I am very much done discussing my relational status... or lack there of, there are bigger things afoot.
In my life lately there has been quite a bit of battling, by God's grace I have been winning, but it is making me tired. Satan's been working overtime... there's been nothing new, but he's been pushing all kinds of buttons to see which one can hit a nerve. There have been temptations to worry about things I can't change (mainly finances), temptations to dwell on past mistakes or sorrows, and temptations to focus too much on what may come in the future (such as the hopeful change in relational status) and most certainly tempted to doubt self worth (oooh I could write a whole post and a half on that stupid thing.... in fact I think I have). Sound familiar? They're typical methods satan uses to wane on one's patience. There is nothing that tempts me that isn't common to all of us; I know God stands by my side, giving me the strength to endure through whatever may come my way, 1 Corinthians 10:13 tells us this. Today was tough; I had a lot of studying to do, so I spent a lot of time in front of my computer, trying to hold off certain thoughts and distractions in order to focus on philosophy. And in the last week a lot of interesting situations have popped up, causing a lot of thoughts and questions... ponderings and concerns...
If you remember, please pray for me, we all need help and by remembering me in your prayers would help quite a bit. Heh... it's been awhile since I've written a proper post... a jo post as I think Dawn would call it... I hope this suffices.
