the wandering

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

There is a terrible hunger for love.
We all experience that in our lives - the pain, the loneliness.
We must have the courage to recognize it.
The poor you may have right in your own family.
Find them.
Love them.

I wonder if Mother Teresa ever felt gypped?

I was sitting in chapel during the first week of classes, thinking about some of the more challenging points in my life. And as I sat there and feeling pretty dejected and rather troubled a rather humbling thought occurred to me. Something said to me that the difference between someone like Mother Teresa and myself was that what I would consider a sacrifice and a loss she would consider an honor and a privilege.

While I can again and again recognize how God has stretched and transformed me in the things that he has asked me to do, I still remain frusterated and saddened by what I think it has cost me. The things that I've had to give up... I'm embarrassed that those words are in my heart, for I know better, I know that those things that He's asked me to "give up" weren't good enough for what He wants, not mention the fact that none of them were really mine to begin with.

I don't even know where to begin in correcting this off-centre mindset; I don't really know how I got this far thinking like this. So I guess it's a good thing that He's the one who's correcting it.

In any case, I hope these words encourages us all to press on in the lifestyle that God calls us to, they were written on the wall in Mother Teresa's home for children in Calcutta:

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.
Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.
Create anyway.

Friday, September 23, 2005

passing thought by gilad

mistaking regret

In a conversation the other day a friend said to me that everyone has in one situation or another that they regret. A common thought that everyone lives with regrets, to which I initially agreed, but then realized that I didn't agree with what I was agreeing with (I hate it when I do that, just start nodding your head or replying "yea..." and then you think yourself, 'wait a gosh darn second'). I stopped in my agreement and noted that maybe it should be said that we all have mistakes we're not proud of rather than situations that we regret.
What I want to ask you is do you think we can learn from our mistakes without regretting that we made them? Or I guess it could be rather asked, can we live without regrets? I certaintly think so, I have never regretted the mistakes I've made in my life and I've made a few embarrasing ones. Maybe I've never made any serious life-threatening or life-impairing decisions, and maybe that could be held against my opinion in this matter, but I still think regret can be unnecessary. What occurred to me while I thought about this is that what we may consider a mistake God considers the only way to have gotten something across to us. And possibly wishing that we hadn't made the mistake only distracts us from what we should be learning from it...
... Another point that I've pondered over when considering regret is is it possible to be grieved over your mistakes without regretting them? Mirriam-Webster defines those terms as though they are neigh synonomous, but I rather think of them as seperate; one, in my mind, is an emotion while the other is a desire. I could be mistaking regret, but I always saw it as wanting to change what has happened, and sorrow as being unhappy or not proud of what we've done. Maybe this is just one of those points where our language breaks down, where words can't explain another word in order to understand; the point where our words just fail us.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

get out of your comfort zone
by slick willy

(*disclaimer* this fishy picture has nothing to do with the last fishy picture, the two fishy pictures have no fishy connection)

Did you call me.... chicken?

I have, in the past, been told that I am courageous. There are people I know that have thought of me as extroverted, confident, maybe even strong-willed to a fault. But today I fully came to terms with the truth that I am indeed a spineless yellow bellied chicken.
I'm not out to say that what comrades have seen in me is entirely false, or that their opinion holds no water; but what they have seen might not have been all that they see it as. I will admit that there probably have been instances where I have been courageous, but I am not a courageous person. And I would suppose this to be true of most people, that we have moments of courage, that we are not always courageous.
I don't want to ponder what courage is, I think I did that in a post a long time ago (altough by all means you can comment on that), basically it is just facing what you fear when you could turn tail. The times that I can think of when this has happened is when God has made undeniably clear that it is something I need to do. And while I could back out and ignore what He is saying to me, I fear Him more. When I say He made it undeniably clear I mean he presses something on my heart, and when I hesitate, when I am leary he presses it again and again, until I give in. Like staying here this summer, I didn't really know if I would have a job at all, let alone a job that would be helping me to finance this education of mine. That was only one of my concerns, but I remember panicking right about the end of April and wondering what the crap I thought I was doing... (i think I wrote a post about that too somewhere...)
But for the most part I am a chicken. I'm not at home shivering in my booties, but I won't stick my neck out because I like to play it safe. I won't put myself on the line because I'm downright scared that I'm just going to be disappointed one more time. Scared that if I try explain all that God shows me and all that is in my little head, that no one is going to understand and that I'll just get dismissed. Scared that there's some way that I could feel more alienated than I already do.
Many have told me that they respect and admire how I am just who I am and that I don't try to be anything else; I'm weird and goofy, often pensieve and expressive, and that's just me. But I am not intentional in the least in the openness that my character holds, I just can't be anything else. (This is fact, I tried being something else, it really didn't work so well). But I suppose we can still admire traits that others unintentionally acheive.
So I find myself being pushed outside of my comfort zone, and God is showing me that part of listening to Him is trusting what I know it is that He says to my heart; without Him having to push and pull me to where He wants me to go. I never did think of myself as confident or courageous, but neither did I consider myself a big scaredy cat. Now that I've admitted this all to you, I am a little farther away from being able to just slip back into my fear, and hopefully gritting my teeth and moving onward.

Monday, September 12, 2005

jump by ssilence

feelin' fine

Today I officially took the student manager position in the cafeteria that I work at. I remember my boss had said something about it a number of weeks ago, but it didn't really sink in that this was a promotion of sorts.
Anyhow, I do get paid more, so I hear. Although I don't do anything less than I would've done anyhow, responsibility wise. But the best part of all this is the support that came from my bosses. Both the director as well as the staffing manager (i don't know what his techinal title really is) both reguarded considering me for this position not only natural but one of their first choices; makes a girl feel warm and fuzzy inside.

I know haven't had many thoughtful posts lately... it's not that haven't had much on my mind, just nothing that I've felt like posting on. I will correct this autrocity soon... if it comes down to it I've got some 'stock' deep thoughts that I wrote down back in july (ha!).
Leave me a note, let me know you're alive... and still sticking it out with me...

Friday, September 09, 2005

enlightenment by gilad

learning is painful

This is nothing new. But it seems a point that came up in conversation more than a few times this past week.
Right now I seem to be left with nothing to do but sit and reflect at the patterns in my life (I just wish they were as simple as the tiles on that floor). And it seems that God is pushing me out the patterns I have set in my life, pushing me out of my comfort zone.
I have homework I should be doing, I have books I could and would like to read... video games that need to be played! But I'm having difficulty doing any of it, I'm even having incredible difficulty writing this post. I've always been very good at burying myself in something, focusing on something that should get done. If something is on my mind, if there is some turmoil going on I would just spend more time in the library, doing homework, or clean up my room. But I can't seem to do that. I can't distract myself with these things, keeping myself busy doesn't seem to work, and it's driving me nuts.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

RelationShips by gilad

this picture was taken after another at the same location,
The Things I've Seen
which has the most phenominal artist's explanation I've ever read.

Well tomorrow is the day when most of the students will begin to arrive, by monday night they should all be here. The high school is already here as well as the students in leadership, things are beginning to get into swing. Our internet was switched on two days ago (opposed to the 15th like we were told, w00t!) and I finished up working night shifts at the convience store last night....

After a summer of simplicity, of thinking, resting, and raising concerns I am now heading into another year. One that in many ways seems very freeing (ha, like finally having my evenings open) and yet holds interesting challenges. I am so excited. And yet, nervous.

The face of Briercrest, of Caronport, changes so quickly, changes so drastically from year to year, but friends who have been with me from the beginning are gone now. People I've gotten to know along the way are leaving. All new faces are coming in, some of the newer relationships I've started hopefully will continue on, and I just really hope that this year really takes off. Last year was good, it was important; but started with pain, held a lot of healing, frusterations and even handed me some deep disappointments. Although I don't hold any false hope of not having any difficulties, I do hope that this year will be a year of rejoicing.

For all students returning to their studies as well as to all who work hard making a living, I hope you find humility in knowing that there will always be things you don' t know or understand and that you take joy in in discovering lessons that will find you.

Monday, August 22, 2005

open your eyes by gilad

Is it normal to think of yourself as a jerk?

I've been told in the past that I'm too hard on myself and I'd like to think that I've improved on that. Still there are a lot of days when I stop myself in ponderings or after leaving a sitution and think "wow, jo, you're a really big jerk."

Someone this past week related to me something that he read, that how we think of ourselves is how we will think of others. That puzzled me, I don't think of everybody as jerks (... just the ones that are) despite the fact that I call my friends jerkface. But seriously, I don't hold people around me to nearly as high a standard as I myself feel held to. I think of others in the same light as I think of myself, I tend to be a little harsher when it comes to examining and identifying my faults. But I thought that was normal.

Anyhow, does anyone else think of themselves as a jerk? Or do you tend to think of others as you think about yourself?

Saturday, August 20, 2005

pass by by pinardi

completely random ponderings and some cute facts

Not always, but every once in awhile...

You should watch out for the quiet people, they tend to have better observation skills than the ones that spend all their energy talking. They'll see things and don't let on that they know... very sneaky like.

And also, do not underestimate the happy-go-lucky people, who seem to be nothing but goofy. They may have a serious side that can sober your first impressions. (ie. Vash the Stampede... seriously everyone needs to watch Trigun)

People can't stand it when a person can speak with uncertainty. They would rather hear a person speak with absolute sureness in their voice, whether or not they right or truthful, than hear a person speak with the possibility of error in their answer. I honestly wish I could speak with uncertainty more often, I think that I think I know more than I really do, maybe if I spoke with uncertainty than I'd realize how very little I do know.

On that thought playing dumb seems to be a great tool for learning. Ok maybe not playing dumb, but more like not boasting what you do know. If someone thinks you don't know something or don't understand then they'll explain it for you. Quite often they'll look at it in a way you didn't think of or their knowledege will supercede yours in some way (even if a small way). So sometimes you're possibly better off letting others explain things to you that you may already know.

I found out that if we were to literally translate what amen means in Greek, it would be '"mmhmm." Like a black woman sitting in church (imagine it in your heads with me, please) on a stuffy sunday morning, a firey preacher up in the pulpit hitting those right points, she's got her hand raised in the air, nodding her head and saying "mmmhmmm, that's right..." Something like that.

In other news I have 'made my peace' with the upcoming semester. I'm still enjoying my summer, and haven't quite gotten the answers I'm hoping for, but I'm not apprehensive towards people coming back anymore.

Also I got my hair cut, I didn't know what I wanted done, I just knew that I needed to do something soon, cause it was really annoying (and really fluffy). So I went to see my friend JuneAnn, who is a hair dresser. It's a lot shorter than I anticipated, but I knew JuneAnn knew what she was doing, and told her to fix my hair. And fix it she did. I look hot. Really. I also look like a pixie. Or as my nieghbour and his fiance would say, I look like a forest nymph. I think I like that, it sounds mischevious... which is fitting...

Monday, August 15, 2005

crossing in reflection by coxi

It has been nearly 3 weeks since I've posted. There are riots going on in the streets of Caronport. People have gathered from all over the world to vent their anger about my slacking in the blogging. If you lean in close to your computer screen you can even smell the smoke of the burning torches. You can tell these people aren't experienced in good old fashioned rioting, some guy just lit the persons clothes next to him on fire... Lift the torch, man, lift it up. Well they get an A for effort.

Anyhow.

I don't think my blog is even close to being that popular, but I was reminded that it has indeed been quite a bit of time since I've posted.

I don't have any deep thoughts. The school semester begins in 3 weeks and I just wish I had more time. I have a lot on my heart and mind. Things that I'm trying to figure out and just don't know the answer, or things where the answer that I've always known just doesn't seem to suffice in putting me at ease. I think this is partially why I'm not ready for this semester, I don't want it to come while I'm still praying and figuring these things out. Trying to enter the school year with heavy things on your mind doesn't work so well. I suppose it's going to come anyhow, that's how life is, I've just got to utilize the time that I do have.

Usually when there is something weighing on my mind I'm pretty good at putting it aside, with going on with life, laughing, finding joy still around me. And for the most part I can do it here too. But I'm finding that working my evening shift at the pilgrim is making me incredibly unhappy and discouraged. It could be because the end of the day is that time when you want to sit down and reflect on the day, or at least rest, and instead I'm mopping floors and trying to balance out. I also have more difficulty thinking in straight, I become more lost in my own thoughts, more disjointed, than I normally am. It's really frustrating.

I still haven't gotten any photos from my brothers wedding that was over a month ago, but my aunt did send me this digital picture. My mom is sending me a package soon with pictures from it, then I will show you more.
My adorable (not so) little niece is the flower girl, she's going to be a basketball player when she grows up (and my brother, nathan, is the guy holding that girl in the big white dress). My other brother, nick, is the first gentlemen on the left.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Monday, July 25, 2005

luxury of tears by blueblack

luxury of tears

I hate it when I cry.

I used to hate crying, when I was a child, because it was a weakness. On school bus rides home I was surrounded by boys, by bullies, who would say anything to make me cry; it usually worked.

I hated that they could make me cry, I hated crying in front of people, I hated how vulernable and weak I was. So I stopped crying in front of people... or at least I tried. I did my best to hold back, but I usually would get angry or frusterated instead, at some points I was just withdrawn and dismal, and then would cry later on, when I was by myself.

I still hate crying, I still hate crying in front of others, it still makes me feel vulnerable Although this acting tough, crying later approach to life has mostly dissipated. Now I hate crying because it seems that I only ever cry for myself. I cry when I feel wounded, when my pride is cut down or when I am humbled about something. (Sometimes cry when some movie twists my emotions) It's not that I don't think people should cry when they're hurt or frusterated, it can be a good release of stress. But why is it I never cry for anyone else? Why is it I don't cry for some else who is hurt, cut down, or humbled? Why is it I don't cry for those around me who are lost, or sick, hurt, or troubled?

I hate it when I cry.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

brothers by garrit

Surreality

So being in Ontario continued to be as busy as it had been when I first arrived and there was no time for me to post again before I left. But being home gave me quite a bit to think about (especially when one has hours in airport terminals to turn things over in their mind) and I couldn't resist posting on one of my reflections (that and I can't resist the airconditioning that the library has, so hot outside!!).

Going home was once again a surreal experience for me; I had realized this in times past, going back at Christmas time and initially when I would go back for the summer. It seems as if its not right that things should change there without me. I held my brothers little girl for the first time and watched my other brother get married, and it took a little while to sink in that the the boys who used to tease me, drive me to school and play practical jokes on me have grown up. On one hand it doesn't seem stange to see Nick as an affectionate father or Nathan finally marrying Stacie, they're both very natural and wonderful things, but then again it just doesn't seem real. But I suppose the tables could be turned on me, does it seem right to them that I moved out here and changed like I have without them.

I have many more thoughts on the distance between my family, but to avoid rabbit trailing I had better move on. Like I initially pointed out going back there can seem slightly surreal, and this got me to thinking about how people quite often comment that this place is a bubble, set aside from the real world. But what I noticed is that here seemed to me, contrary to the opinion that I've heard, to be more real than there. Why this is is no mystery, I have a job, a house (ok, a trailer... a place of my own), bills to pay, a cat to take care; a routine and responsibilities to fill. So I wondered if maybe those that couldn't see this place as reality is because, despite all other reasons or excuses, they never really had many responsibilities. In all honesty Caronport might be filled with 'nicer' people, but they have difficulties and challenges to overcome like anyone else.

It was then that I began to consider what it is that the 'real world' is most usually identified with. And it came down to that the real world is the place that is crueler, harsher; it's the place where it's harder to stand on your own, admist those who beliefs and lifestyles challenge yours. It does seem true that it is easier to grow in Christian thought here, and that there are many who only maintain an image. But out there is full of just as many fakes and flakes, and I'm wondering if maybe not being able to stand as a Christian once you leave this place isn't so much a fault of the place, but of the person. I'm not out to point fingers, and you may be tempted to be cynical saying that sure I can say that while I live here and not there. But I have lived there, and I have been tested in both places... and remember I'm not saying I'm the epitome of all understanding, I'm just thinking. It just seems strange to me that we identify the place that acknowledges God's truth less so as the place that is real.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

childs philosophy by gilad

nitpicking when larger things are afoot

I sometimes wish I could identify faults in myself as easily as we identify faults in others. But if we could see our own faults so readily living with oneself would become increasingly difficult, since we are around ourselves constantly. Maybe we do have the capacity to see our own faults but it is too traumatic for us to handle so our brains just block it out, like how peoples memories block out car accidents and tragic incidents.

Righto, nitpicking. Like many things that I ponder this has been mulling about in my brain for awhile. But usually things seem slightly more formulated in my head before I try to put them in a post. I am beginning to wonder if Christians are getting distracted, or sidetracked, by their pursuit of holiness (and I'm not claiming to be holy and above this downfall). We have these ideas of what holiness is, of what a godly person looks like, we define it, read books books and have discussions about it, and for all the work and understanding are we any closer to being it? You're probably wondering how this fits in with nitpicking. It is with these ideas and definitions that we 'hold each other accountable' which is all meant or started with honest intentions but can come to the point where we are focused on slotting someone into our ideals. To the point where it comes to being less about the person and more about their image. Where friends and siblings (and please don't think that I am saying my friends and/or siblings, I'm speaking from a general meaning) go from seeing and caring about how you're doing to how you don't measure up in every little way and telling you so. I'm not saying we shouldn't encourage each other in our pursuit of holiness, but maybe if we concerned ourselves with their person first than encouraging them might be more... natural... Maybe it's just a problem at Briercrest, maybe I'm nuts (that's highly probable), but I did say that this thought wasn't as formulated as most, well at the least I hope it makes sense. If it doesn't and you do want to understand I'll take you out to coffee and we can talk. seriously.

And since this is the first time I've posted in nearly a month I'm going to jam random thoughts, rants and life-type updates all into one post (I hope you can handle this). Right now I'm actually sitting in my parents house in Ontario, and have been in the province for a few days. My brother is getting married next weekend so I'm home for a few days to visit and help out. The first few days were nutty, with moving my brother into his apartment, going jewellery shopping and family get together last night, and I thought I was going to have nothing to do... ha. My mom has two weeks off (she's a nurse) and school is out for the summer so my father (who is a teacher) and my neice (who is a student) are home as well, so I think we'll find things to do. Such as going swimming (which I'm going to do right now) and making waffles for breakfast (which I'm going to do for them tomorrow... and maybe swap some manly stories). Anyhow, that is all I have time for. Maybe if you're really lucky I'll post again before I leave this internet-laden household.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

road to joy by larafairie

I'm usually not a huge fan of posting polls and quizzes on my blogs but this one I enjoy and think actually tells you something about the person (unlike some of those quizzes, which are really fun I do them all the time but I don't think any of them really tell you much about yourself). Anyhow, it was my birthday on Sunday. My Mom was concerned that I was spending my birthday by myself and at work but it was quite enjoyable and rather symbolic of my time here; quiet and peaceful with a few unexpected surprises. I spent the day reading and relaxing, and then while I was at work my co-workers bought me a mocha and some of my friends showed up with a birthday cake. It made me smile, they made the icing from chocolate pudding and the only candle they could find was a large scented candle in Jordans house. It was great.

1. Total number of books I've owned: many and yet not nearly enough. I can't count them (since one I'm not close to either locations of my books) Here I have an overflowing bookshelf and also there are boxes of books stored in my parents garage at home.

2. Last book I bought: Bought?!? The Joy of Photography I think, at a used bookshop in Moose Jaw 2 months ago. I usually don't (or can't) buy books, I just beg, borrow, or steal.. i mean have them given as gifts... such as the book(s) That I actually wanted: The Greensky Trilogy, which you already know was a birthday gift recently.

3. Last book I read: The Time Machine by H.G. Wells

4. 5 books that mean a lot to me: (Sarah is right, the Bible is a given and these are in no particular order)
1. The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis
2. The Greensky Trilogy by Zilpha Keatley Synder
3. Little Miss Fusspot by my father
4. The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis
5. (I am having serious difficulty filling this last slot in, which is surprising for a nerd like me... I can think of many monumental books and yet I find myself to put any of them in this slot knowing there is some other book that should go here... maybe this slot will be for a book I have not read, or maybe a book that I have not yet written, ha there's a pipe dream., ok this is an open slot for open possibility)

Tag 5 people and have them fill this out in their LJs:

1) Char
2) Rachel
3) Crystal
4) Dez
5) Dawn

Also! I want to share with you my new discovery. I always knew that there was something inheriently cool about Caedmon's Call, I've discovered that it's the writers that were solely responsible for the level of cool. I think (I might have his name wrong) the one is Randall Goodgame, who is hilarious, but also Derek Webb, who I want to recommend you all to check out. He broke away from Caedmon's Call awhile back being fed up with cliche Christian music and has been flying solo. Seriously this guy is great. Here's his website.

Monday, May 30, 2005

abandonment of youth by aquapell

This is it...

Well people, that fated time has come upon me. Today is the last day I will have my internet connection, at least until the fall. I will be occasionally using the net provided at the pil and possibly at the library, but I do not think I will be updating much on my blog. I would like to think that I would continue to be regular, and I will try to stop in and post, but I do not want to disappoint you with promises of regular posts. This summer, I know, is meant for quiet, peace, and a lot of listening; so I foresee myself being less outspoken for the next few months (or at least trying to be).
So this is me signing out, I'll see you in a little while. In the meantime feel free to email me, or come visit me at the store (I work mostly evenings throughout the week).

Friday, May 27, 2005

scar d sanity thumb by veraukoion

of thought and thinking...

The thought has occurred to me several times that there seems to be an awful lot of inspirational and directional literature available to us (at least in North America). A great deal of varying thought, persuasive arguments, convincing ideas and honest (and maybe dishonest) opinion. Also along with the mountains of literature that we may so easily acquire and consume is a long history of thought and action at our fingertips; or philosophy and sociology. There have been many who have taken the time to study and know the things that have guided and persuaded us in the past, how humans have handled pursuing truth, and living out convictions and beliefs. And many looking over the past, and many looking at the present, that seem to think they can identify where we have gone wrong and what we need to do to correct it.

I have a question for the popular literature and persuasive thought alike, for most likely one is found in the other, at least these days. And that is what makes our new thoughts of the present to lead us into a better future any different than that of the past? How is what we think and theorize now, what we believe needs to change, what course needs persuing any better than what was chosen before? Or could this just be another fad, another swing of the pendulum, another era...

A thought leads from that to this: does it seem that we cannot say or write anything other than what others around us are already thinking? Or cannot express what is already wanting to be heard? It is just that some of us are better at expressing those thoughts than others and the rest are left saying "yes! That's it!" Like a song that puts exactly how you felt at one point in your life in the perfect description.

I'm sure someone's already thought of this (otherwise I'd be contradicting myself). Are we just moving onto another idea, following another thought, or are we really any closer to knowing more, to finding the truth about all the mysteries that surround us?

~~~~~~~~~
In other news, I have been reading The Greensky Trilogy by Zilpha Keatley Synder, Image hosted by Photobucket.com

an early birthday present from my parents. I used to play this old Commodore game called Below the Root as a kid and it wasn't until later discovered that it was actually based on her series and named after the first book. The plot twist to this part of my post is that the series has been out of print for quite some time and it isn't exactly super easy to grab a copy, especially the 2nd and 3rd books. Anyhow I just finished rereading the 1st book this evening, and I want to recommend it (if you can find it) to all of you. It is a children's novel (for older children, not like it's Dick and Jane), but several authors have proved to us that something can be written on a level understandable for children and still be enjoyed by all. Tomorrow I will venture into the unknown and start the second book, I will give you further review once I am done.