worth your salt by aquapell

After a year and a half of fundraising, Nolan has finally begun on the adventure we've been preparing for. As we've been working toward this goal the people who have been cheering us on have been praying for and talking about my being a good support for Nolan. Lately this has been leaving me feeling a little more like my husbands lackey than a co-conspirator is our life scheme, at least in the eyes of others. Granted my own fears of being stuck in a place of ensuring whatever lackings in out family income is supplemented is most likely playing up the views I fear are coming from others.
The supportive role has been commonly played by the wife in situations like mine and Nolan's in the past and there has been nothing wrong with this kind of set up, so it would be natural to assume that I would play this part. However my own heart constantly feels a dissatisfaction with working a perfectly agreeable job. My heart crys out for more than a good paying job with the security of benefits and the possibility of promotion and it refuses to become comfortable in a place that it doesn't belong. While I'm hanging in the inbetween of knowing it craves something more but is uncertain of how to go about it or where to find it, doubts creep in. Whatever ideas that are populated in my mind, doubt encrouches upon them with it shroud of impossibility. I feel like I keep waiting for something to break loose, but wonder if I am not capable of the the things I feel inclined to do. If, perhaps, God has not intended to grace me with the tasks I believe I am to take up.
While I may have to wait for my character to be revealed, while God may need to build up the story before the reader (or the character herself) can begin to see the true potential. In the mean time I do not believe I am to patiently wait for some magic moment, I am meant to struggle. And my hope in sharing this is that I may of shake off some of my inhibitions.

planting a tree by radi-ix

enviruality
        part two

In my early years of my post-secondary education I was introduced to the hot topic of Fair Trade. As a a wide eyed freshman and a person who is easily convicted I immediately felt the weight of my sweat shop shoes and wrongfully cheap coffee. I went home for summer vacation bound and determined to become exclusively slave-labour free and discovered that finding a pair of shoes that is not made in China, Indonesia or Bangladesh was not an easy task. As I peered into and under every object I considered buying my family began to cast wondering glances at each other over this new obsession with where things are made. You could imagine what a pain in the ass I would have been to shop with to someone who had never been faced with the question of where something was made when I immediately dismissed everything I looked based on one piece of criteria. And I mean
everything. At that time without researching for and shopping in speciality shops there was very little in our massive North American market that was not outsourced to a Third world Country.
Six years later shops like Ten Thousand Villages have grown in popularity and Coffee bears Fair Trade logos like a badge of honor. Those who are willing to step up to the challenge of paying more for their coffee and clothes, those who are willing to produce it at a fair price to everyone involved are to be applauded. And yet most
of the public hears the morality of Fair Trade preached from the their coffee shop barrista rather than from the pulpit. While many Christians made great efforts to improve this situation and educate others concerning it, the issue has hardly made it out of Bible Colleges and enclaves of hippie Christians.
Fair Trade and becoming environmentally friendly are issues that seem to be for Christians bearing the same course. While Fair trade may be easier to connect to the Evangelical mindset, both issues have everything to do with Christianity.God made Adam and appointed him as caretaker over creation, even to the point of handing over the responsibility of naming all the fauna and flora. And though Eve was created second, there is no indication of her being less human, only differing in her role. Unless that responsibility ended with Adam when he was booted out of paradise, unless God intended the earth to go to all hell after the life of one man, I think that what was given to man in the beginning was intended for all of mankind. Although the fall from paradise bore a grimmer outlook to the bounty and splendour
of the earth that surrounds us we are no less responsible for the upkeep of the home God gave us and care no less for those of us who dwell in it.
While I have no disagreement that the great Commandment and the great Commission are the life blood tenets that drives the Christian faith. But it seems that we have a few of our ideals at odds when we pride ourselves as God's representatives yet disregard his creation. By saying we are Christians We are saying we love God, yet we do not take care of the home that He has given us. We are saying that we love our neighbour, yet we slight others by contributing to unfair wages and unfair working
conditions.
These things are not a seperate agenda from Christian beliefs. While I respect those who have been the catalyst for the and awareness of these problems the change they have brought about I would like to berate North American Christians for not being on the forefront of these issues. As I said before many Christians have been essential to
spreading awareness of fair trade and people like Rob Bell connect the importance of
taking care of our earth with Christian concerns. But once again, these thoughts and ideals are localized and not wide spread throughout our churches. There was a time
when Christians were identified with innovation and original thought in areas spiritual and earthly, now it seems we are barely keeping up with issues that clearly
pertain to our beliefs.

on the other side by gilad

enviruality

         part one

Earth Day came but once a year. At least it used to in elementary school. The older classes would put on a play about becoming more earth friendly and more than once we were all subjected to earth propaganda films starring Candace Bergren and some other maybe known actors to emphasize to children the dire need to care about the ozone layer and global warming. For our generation reduce, reuse, recycle replaced the rhymes taught to our parents of reading writing and arithmetic. While we still learned to dot our i's and the multiplication table we were also taught to separate the reusable materials and the food waste from the 'garbage'. At home on tv the muppets taught us that we should turn the lights off when we're not using them with government sponsored commercials. And as the children from the beginning days of these earth-forming ideals grow into free thinking adulthood they're thinking they can take it a step further.
Growing green has grown bigger than recycling what you use, it's grown bigger than public television commercials and a single day of kids dressed up as globes and hunks of trash. We have television networks devoted to earth friendly shows, trash cans on the sidewalk are now divvied up into the appropriate recycling bins, and consumers are urged to do away with disposable plastic bags. Turning the light off is ok, but a light with the energy saving light bulbs is better. And energy saving light bulbs are the least that you can do; why save money on your electricity bill by screwing those twisted light tubes into your fixtures when you could make money by installing solar panels on your property.
As becoming one with earth replaces just being nice to it, we as Christians seemed to be faced with whether or not this is a concern that we should take a stand on. Although it is satisfyingly easy to take a stand on something that is not only politically popular (a politically correct belief that is fadishly popular- it's not just something "most" people believe but also makes you look cooler if you're carrying a Lulu Lemon recycled, reusable bag), it is beginning to be discussed as to what kind of priority should being earth friendly take.
A few years ago I read a book called the Velvet Elvis.... well most of it.... ok at least half of it with a young adults group at a church I was going to. Velvet Elvis, written by Rob Bell, from what I remember is a book Bell wrote to look beyond past conceptions of what Christianity meant when living it out in real life.
(I'm going to pause here to tell you that I didn't read the whole book because I didn't like it. Rob Bell seems like a cool guy and he's a good writer, but since much of what he wrote wasn't new to me I usually ended up skipping through most of the chapters. And now I'll pause here to tell you that I'm not being cocky, my education just happened to cover those kinds of topics, most of you know more about calculus than I do because I never took it.) In case anyone has never read a book with a group of Christians, where as "book clubs" will read an entire book and discuss, a bible study group will take it chapter by chapter. One week came upon a chapter that broached Environmentalism and it seemed from the discussion that some of the group were surprised by its inclusion.
Environmentalism is a word which has in the past been reserved for hippies and extremists. It's a word for green peace, for people who tie themselves to trees, sit in front of bulldozers and eat tofu. And while many of these people have been admired for their efforts of making the world a better place they are also regarded as oddities and upholders of issues that lacked any relevance to real life. Like so many things that began with those who were willing to live out on a limb Environmentalism has shed away it's original connotations and like Rob Bell decided to repaint the picture of Christianity it has also been repainted. And while many people in that young adult group had grown up with the same earth friendly manner I had it was still surprising to some to conceive the word Environmentalism in the same topic of discussion as Christianity. Christianity has (and perhaps this is an evangelical viewpoint or maybe just that missionary mindset that pulses through Briercrest education) two main concerns. You know what they are. The Great Commandment and The Great Commission. Evangelicals have for the most part focused on the person or more specifically on their soul. It is only in recent history that we have widened our scopes; we realized that caring for the person is not divided up neatly, the human is a whole package of distressed spirit and waning body. If the rich in spirit can care for the soul why cannot the rich in resources care for the stomach? So we fill the hungry tummies, send them our doctors and nurses and build them proper homes. To our own and to others we share in a old testament type way until someone finally steps back and says 'what are we sadists? We give them what they need and then either leave them in self loathing for not being able to support themselves or leave them suffering because we can't afford to support us both'. And we begin to think about giving them the means to do for themselves what had been doing for them.
And now that environmentalism has shed away its old tye-dyed shirt and it's hemp pants.... and now that cool people like David Suzuki are willing to make commercials (apparantly Murphy Brown's earth-friendly school video wasn't enough for us) Christians are starting to say... wait didn't God tell us to take care of the earth?...

much farther to go

I graduated almost one year ago.
I have had my hands full for so many years. Now as life begins to resemble a kind of regularity-as the stress from the hectic life behind me merely begins to unravel-I am left feeling a little lost. And also left to think about how exactly it is that I got to this point. I spent a lot time wholly concerned with what I need to do to reach the end and then after "the end" had come I was already being launched into another new stage of life. I know that life is always moving, changing. That is full of things to look forward to and goals to meet. But seeing my juggling act of educational career and working to pay the bills finally come to an end and immediately stepping into marriage and bringing together all the loose ties (aka. personal documentation and belongings in multiple provinces) into a new home.
Now that I am here, a married winnipegger with a few more degrees, as I look behind I find that it looks almost as indistinct as trying to see what lays ahead. There are some people who can remember every detail of their past but I find that the further I get from a moment the blurrier it becomes in mind, as though I am literally moving away from that point. There are some things I remember, pivotal moments in my life and bits and pieces of memory of things past linger, but many of things behind me fade away. As I said before I have been thinking about how it is I have gotten to this point, pondering on what I remember of days past and wondering about the actions and decisions that have brought me to the present. I know I am one strange bird. Even as I think about what I can remember there is much that causes me to scratch my head in wonder. Often I think about myself and feel as though I am thinking of a stranger. Some would shrug their shoulders and say that this is merely growing up; it is maturing. But many mature and do not feel alienated from their younger selves. Many mature and barely change from their younger selves. However there are many who may relate these feelings to something the Apostle Paul once wrote in a letter. He enlightened to his readers that those who choose to follow Christ, who reconcile their souls to God, become a new person and the old life they used to lead shed away like the discarded skin of an animal. Often when Paul's words are considered they are thought of with a sense of immediacy, as though the change is instantaneous. And for most there is an immediate change, but if there is one thing humanity has learnt as it has matured it is that despite the pivotal moments in our lives, in our history, the greatest change always occurs over a great deal of time. C.S. Lewis painted a picture of the journey of the soul which connects these thoughts in his book The Great Divorce. He describes how when a soul comes to the point of accepting heaven, even after reaching the gates of eternity, there is progress. Though a soul enters into heaven and perfection they learn and change. No modern person would deny that life is a progression; that idea, it is the very idea of linear time progression, beats in our minds as our hearts beat in our chest. And C.S. Lewis did not restrict his progress of the soul to the realm of heaven, rather it is an extension of what is already begun while we live on earth. And just like the pivotal moments in our life here death is a turning point in our journey and then we continue on.
I said I was left wondering how I came to be at this point, but I began with stating that there is a slight feeling of being lost. All that I had been aiming to achieve for 6 years had been accomplished, with a few unexpected 'accomplishments' as well, and it has come to that point of "what now?" "Get a job" is what we are told responsible young college graduates are to do, that is the next step in life. I think most of you reading this, knowing me, will know and understand that "what now" is bigger than the modern ideal of getting a good education so that we can get good jobs so that we can be secure and buy good houses and cars, etc. It is more of which direction, and how, my soul is progressing. Nolan and I are looking ahead to working with the youth here in the North End of Winnipeg. My heart loves possibilities and is passionate for all sorts of things; I find it easy to dream about what could be next. what now for me hopes that God will give me some post-graduate direction.

the bridge between mind and matter by gilad

the bridge between mind and matter

I feel like the all the elements in my life are coming together to thwart my attempts to write.

This may seem like an exaggeration, but you're probably not surprised since I've always been a conspiracy theorist on non-consequential matters. It is although technology and small pieces of plastic have been banding together to play a practical joke that just isn't funny.

I sit down on the computer and if more than one window-internet browser or otherwise-is open it suddenly feels as sluggish as my grandfather after a potluck dinner on a hot summers day. And pens! Every one I pick up is conspicuously out of ink! And time plays tricks on me. I think now that I don't have to unpack boxes, switch legal documents over to new names and new provinces all after I'm done working a full day that I should have a few more minutes to write a few thoughts out. No! No time at all!
Of course the fact that my computer is ancient and bogged down, that I haven't bought new pens in about 2 years and that I spent a little too long watching tv last night (it's a bit of a novelty right now since I haven't had tv since I lived at home) mean absolutely nothing.

Now that I'm done ranting mostly to myself about my inability to bring myself to do what I want to do, I'll reflect more seriously.
It's been hard to write since I graduated. In fact I didn't write much in my last year at school either. I was burnt out and struggled to do the things required of me. There was nothing left for extra-curricular.
But since the last paper that I handed in just under a year ago thinking creatively, thinking at all, has ceased. I've been urging myself, even taking my journal and a pen in hand, telling myself not to let the tiredness to take away what I enjoyed. For awhile nothing came; nothing outside of daily thoughts. Here and there thoughts have come to me, ideas, plots and some ponderings. Once I'm done writing in my journal or before I can come to the computer to type it out languish creeps in-somehow it all seems not only unoriginal but more predominantly it all seems inconsequential, as though nothing that I think matters anymore- and the life of my thoughts slides away.
I have told myself that these past few years have been hard and I need some time to rest and its probably true. But small fears of slipping into laziness or those condemnations I've heard people say about "real life" (why is it that when people talk about real life or responsibilities is usually lacks life and sounds more about making ourselves comfortable and secure in material concerns?) taking over urge me not to let go of what I love, not to let it fade away.
So, I hope to have both, to rest and also to write. Since writing has always been a refuge for me this should not be a stretch. Nolan is a great encourager and has broached the idea of setting aside time that is meant for me to write. Where is the resting in this idea, I am not going to push myself to come up with anything great, in fact I may purposely write crap. And look I've already started! What I'm saying here is not a new idea, it's just where I am. The point is to allow myself the space so that when my mind and soul are ready they'll be able to say something that maybe isn't unoriginal or completely insignificant.

I just found this post from 6 months ago, thought I would post it now while I work on another:

Have you ever looked back on a situation and wondered how it worked out the way it did, or why you reacted the way you did?
I'm a firm believer that life is not random and that-at least in my life-most things that have either happened because of something, or because it is leading to something, and sometimes both. Granted I can't explain everything in my life, there have been a number of instances I know have something more to them but I don't understand. And then there are even more things I just don't understand.

I'm getting married next week and amongst the amazing bustle of it all and the unfathomable amount of tiny details I wonder how it is that I managed to come to be marrying this man. I look back and see a strange dance that brought me to this beautiful moment and though there was a great deal of painful or frustrating situations, I wouldn't chance changing a single detail if it altered what God has given me in this moment.

People have said it before. You've heard it in those chick-flicks and Disney cartoons, the cheesy line about how one person wouldn't change a single thing in their life if it meant never having known whoever it is they're in love with... or if they were given the choice they'd do it all again just to be with them.

But I'd like to move beyond my cheesiness (truly it is my medium, not my message, at least right here) and focus on the curiosity of outcomes. How strange it is that there are so many instances when if you had reacted or decided differently-and it could've been plausible for you to do so- that might have changed what is now happening in your life. Or perhaps not, perhaps one's maturity and circumstance governed the decisions they have made, which is not to cut God out of the equation, He chooses when to teach enlighten His children.

So I suppose this could boil down to the same old philosophy argument about fate or destiny, or as Christians see it the struggle between God's plan and man's choice, that I (and many others) have repositioned in daily experience.

til the morning after
by aquapell

Strange how the some of the best things come in the darkest times of your life. You bear through with a full knowledge that everything is not well. Even despite a spark of optimism (whether somewhere within you or an outside contribution) proclaiming that good things can come from the trials we endure something other occurs within it all. Something that even if you had been given the opportunity to find some way around what you are (or had) gone through, you might have given up the great life lessons but you endure it all again for that one thing that came of being in that place. I think most of us have been in that place, I know I've been there more than once.

I feel like I have been hovering around a comatose state of my soul and mind. I know I am there but I feel like I am asleep, reverting to basic life motions until that allow me survive through to the end. And as the end steadily moves into the present there seems to be the smallest beginnings of awakening. Like the deep sigh that comes when we see that spring is finally breaking the bounds that winter has held is the sigh in my heart. However, the flourishing of revitalization is only being approached, the end is only in sight, not actually here. Soon. And one can only hope that when a new phase of life has burst forth, though endured for that one cherished element, all the great things encountered come to fruition.
And that cherished element can be enjoyed as fully as he was appreciated in darker hours.

something better & something lost

Someone once asked me if I could wish for three things what would it be? Not a difficult question, there is no tree falling in the woods or one hand clapping, it is the kind of thing people ask each other for conversation sake all the time. At that time I think I responded with my student debt paid off, a car, and the third thing escapes me. But reflecting on those two parts of my answer the heart of what I was asking for was freedom. I was asked by a co-worker at the college cafeteria that I worked for, and I was sort of stuck there. There aren’t many places to work in a village that exists because of the Bible College that is there, but I did good considering the options I had. Though I managed to obtain a pretty good job, I was still stuck. With some student debt racked up and no way of getting anywhere to get a better job I suppose I felt trapped. However, the questioner did not see this in my answer; he merely shot back as soon as I responded, “So you wouldn’t cure cancer?” He thought he was being smart and witty, and left right away to let his savvy answer sink in. But I stood there a moment and after thinking about it I said to my self—since there was no one else to talk to—“no, no I wouldn’t”

This probably seems cold hearted to some. Selfish to others. But it seems to me that after considering humanity through history, curing cancer, one of the most insidious diseases we battle with, wouldn’t be that much of a feat. We have cured many debilitating diseases before it, and even if we did cure it, something else would kill us. If it isn’t cancer, it could be the avian bird flu, maybe even SARS. I respect the medical profession, rely on it; I admire man’s ability to treat, control and fight diseases like cancer. And I think that missionaries might be better met if our culture could share more of its medical knowledge. But wishing away a problem like cancer seems more like wishing to live forever. I guess the question that I would be getting at here is would curing something as invasive as cancer make life better or just make life different?

And if we did make life better, physically, would it be better in every respect? Humanity over thousands of years has spent attempting to perfect and improve all aspects of humanity, and we weren’t always making forward steps. Through this process one idea has arisen; if we attempt to perfect something do we perhaps lose something greater? The same question applies to curing cancer, or curing any such crippling disease, if we achieve bodily perfection would we lose something else? Would we lose all of the good things we have seen, and even more of the good things we have never even realized by making everything perfect as we see it?

My student loans are greater now, but I do have a car. And I think if I was asked again I’d still like them to be paid off. If money had been no object, however, I wouldn’t have changed much of what I did. I would have done it with less stress since I wouldn’t have had to work through school (but that same conclusion still stands, would something else have been lost). But I cannot see the course of humanity, my belief in God leads me to a belief in the fate of humanity, but I am not so pompous to believe that I know how we will get there. My belief in God also leads me to believe that He sees the big picture. And since He sees this I would trust what He presses on my heart to do. It occurs to me that perhaps I’m benefiting humanity more by following Him where he asks me to go than by solving the problems I think need to be fixed. If you don’t believe in God, than this could just seem like a cop-out answer, that I’m just doing what is in my heart just like everyone else and calling it God. Perhaps, that is a discussion for another time. The question that still remains is how do you know that what you’re wishing for is truly a benefit? Perhaps one person being freed of debt could be of greater profit to humanity than curing disease.

nicht wuerdig by astormcrow

'not worthy'

I'm sitting at my computer, I have been most of the day, occasionally interrupted by wandering, walking, washing and a nap. There is something depressing about spending the entire day by yourself trying to motivate yourself to work on something that isn't immanently due, and having nothing at the end of the day to look forward to. My roommate is gone, she was only here for an hour or so, and I was working on this blasted paper. My fiance is far away building houses. I can't find Laila's number so we can hang out. I talked to my Dad for a bit, but nothing is new, so there's nothing to talk about except the cost of fixing one's car and the snow.

I'm writing my 'positional paper', which is what every Bachelor of Arts graduate must write in order for Briercrest to allow you to officially graduate. While it is fantastic that I'm writing it, it means the end is in sight, I'm so tired, worn out, and bored with homework that it's hard to focus on summarizing the nature of God and the identity and work Christ into a hundred words or less, with Scriptural backing...But as I said, the end of my schooling is in sight, and that is a relief. I've enjoyed most of my time at Briercrest. And even the times I didn't enjoy I know were crucially important for learning.

When I was in elementary school I used to do cross country running. Every one of you probably has heard me refer to myself as athletically challenged, I wasn't anymore athletic then than I am now, although I probably had more stamina then. I'm not exactly sure why I kept doing it every year, it could be because my sibling were all athletic. I wanted to live up to that standard and cross country running was the only thing that didn't require tryouts. I usually started off well, feeling pretty good just for being there and trying, but it never lasted long, I usually became exhausted pretty quickly and always came in with the last slaggers at the end.

I seem to have a little more perseverance when it comes to handling stress or juggling things (such as a lot of hours at work and courses with high expectations and work loads), but I'm beginning to feel kind of like I did when I was running those races. There came a point when I grew tired, and came to end of what seemed a unending perseverance. Every person has a breaking point; I've come to that point before and I came to find it again recently, but just as before God has raised me and given me enough to make to the end. And though last summer I looked forward to graduation as freeing me to adventure the world on my own, God knew I'd need something more to get me through the year, and gave me something to look forward to when I was done.

Now if I could only keep in mind that I am incredibly privileged and undeserving of all that God has handed me. That I only have 3 more months to get through what he asked me to come here for, and that He is faithful to carry me through what we began, I might be able to get through these last few papers.

know hope by gilad
It's when you feel there is no hope,
That you should really dig in,
And know hope

"it seems rather over due"

...and you're thinking, yea you haven't posted in months . You are so single minded!
This delayed entry is a post full of things rather overdue.

When I saw the above picture I told Char that I would use on a post when my relational status had changed from single. It just looked so cute and stereotypical for twitterpated fools, so there it is picturing to the world the fireworks in my heart (note the little one in the right bottom corner, a pink heart, how appropriate).

However when I said that, I did not have any one in mind, in fact I had gotten used to the idea of the single life and had started thinking about adventures I could take when I had graduated (or at least what to do with myself when I had no particular attachments). It came rather as a surprise to my heart, not only because I grown accustomed to my state, but also because it was something I thought God had denied long ago never to be revived again.

I like surprises.

Rejecting singlehood is not exactly what seems overdue however, but perhaps finally working things out with the one that I rejected it for. And none were surprised. But you have all heard about that. What else is overdue?

Graduation. It's coming in 6 months, and I can say that I've never looked forward to it more than I do now. Being in school is hard for me this year. Last semester held the finishing blow on my academic heart and now I have no desire for homework, classes, or assignments. My love of learning has been numbed, at least in a formal way, and while I've always been easily distracted, now there is no studiousness left to hold me to my assignments. This numbness tells me that my tired brain thinketh that graduation is rather overdue.

Besides those overdue items, life has been all right, hectic though. I've been keeping up substantial hours at work, so between that and school... less spare time than I'd like is left. It's been good living with Amy, she Ashley and I have been scheming and dreaming with a book I found.


mwa ha haa, soon I will be consuming all your old t-shirts and wearing them as skirts and using them to make bags. Anyhow I have a greek assignment due tomorrow... maybe if I walk towards where my books are I it might be done soonish. Here's hoping I post with something else before another two months is up!
Thanks for sticking with me.

the little albino by gilad

snubbed, snobbed, and coolness factors

I don't think I've ever been snobbed by a farm kid was the first thought that occurred to me.

Then I realized that was a lie, I had been snobbed by farm kids plenty of times. Perhaps I should explain what I mean by snobbed. It is not snubbed, that is a completely intentional slight by people who deeply and truly snobs. snobbed is what otherwise cordial individuals do in a moment of snobbery. Something we've all done in order to seem cool.

The other night I was snobbed by a farm girl once again, it's nothing that's going cause my life to come crashing down like a burning aircraft in sky. And nothing that'll stop me from getting excited to pet a cow in the future (or any other animal for that matter), or from playing 'hey cow' every time I drive by a pasture. I live in the country, not on a farm nor in the city, so I regularly get snobbed on by both parties. I think I'm getting used to it. It does, however, cause my mind to go hmph, and wonder at the silliness that we all commit from time to time or, more often, time and time again.

Please, do me a favour, the next time you hear me snob someone for the sake of looking cool- because I've done it, I do it, and it will inevitably happen again- nudge me and whisper, "jo, don't snob others, it's just not cool."
I'll try to do the same for you.

But speaking of things that are no longer cool, (because somewhere along the line soccer "became the new baseball") I went out and bought a new baseball glove today. Now I just need to find someone else who likes to throw around a baseball. What is more embarassing though, is the ball that I bought to go with it. I went to the bin of hardballs and saw one that was beige compared to the rest of the white balls. I will buy you because you are beige I said in my mind to the little ball, and proceeded to the cashier. Yes I picked a ball because of it's colour, just be glad I do not do this with every purchase decision that I make, but the story gets better. When I got there the cashier had to call up the sports department to get the price on it and as she's reading out the info that's printed on the ball I realized that I had picked out a t-ball instead a hardball. It was actually printed in large letters on the side of the ball.

For those of you who missed out on the baseball-is-cool phase of life a t-ball is a softer ball made for little kids so they don't hurt themselves, usually placed on a stationary stick so the kid can hit it easily instead of having to aim a flying ball. Anyhow I brought it over to Joe's Place and Joe got so excited about it that I'm going to swap him for one of his hardballs. It'll be put to better use with his little girl and perhaps even with some of the teens here who aren't as catch-savy as this former baseball star. (you'll note that I played on a girls team with the longest losing streak in the area... still, I wasn't terrible.)

coming                                and                   going         by dmack

transition

My roommate is moving out. It's not that she doesn't like me, she's going back to Ontario. Our flat has been a bit chaotic, and I had to go buy a new can opener. (Ha, I know this sounds so girly or momish, but that is seriously the best can opener, cuts through metal like buttah.)

My house will once again quiet, another roommate come and gone, and we never did get to fixing the kitchen (It's had wallpaper that looks like it belongs in a child's bedroom since we moved in, white with multi-coloured hearts all over it). I like her, I'll miss her.

She heads out Sunday afternoon, and after that I'll start slowly moving into the smaller bedroom and finaggling with the furniture to make it work for a new roommate. Amy is moving in with me in the fall, I'm excited for that, I like her.

So. If you're calling me, call my cell, I've disconnected the landline. And this also means that I won't frequenting the net as much at least for the next 2 months. It was short lived, but blissful. And pray for me and pray for Amy, we have moving and finaggling to do and transition is tiring. Exciting but tiring.

holy light by gilad

absence makes the heart grow fonder

It is no mystery that God's thoughts to us are a mystery. And no secret that we are constantly trying to divulge the understanding of those mysteries. Have you ever wondered if God allowed something, let a person choose a path because it avoided a choice of worst disaster?

Of course you have. Everyone has. Even the biggest pessimist has a spot of optimist pondering, even if it is only a momentary flicker.
What I wonder right now is if we can consent to that idea, even for a flicker, can we consider that God may let us walk on paths that are likely to destroy us. Maybe He lets us because He wants us to choose, maybe He guides us to it because he has a plan we don't understand. But in either case the strange thought that occurs to me is that optimism can be the worst attitude in those situations.

There is a wonderous paradox about humanity that I wonder gets lost in our optimism. It is the challenges that create beauty and depth. It is the things that should break us that are what make us alive. We want life to be beautiful, we want everything to be good and peaceful, so we try to find it at every moment. Are we trying too hard? Are we just tiring ourselves out?

Many who study the Bible debate exactly how it is that man is created in God's image. A thought that wanders in and out of my head is that perhaps it is in paradox that we are like God. God who is the Three and One, who is the epitome of the beauty we seek and also the so fearsome that we cannot bear to behold all of His glory. But then again we can see this touch of paradox throughout all of God's creation, throughout all of nature. We idealize it, take pictures, paint it, admire it for the beauty and wonder that it contains. A mountainscape, a forest, a dessert, any sea, lake or river. We focus on the beauty and forget the disaster and periliousness that those things so easily contain. Get lost in a forest, or try to climb a mountain unprepared, you risk death; those who know what they are doing in a forest or on a mountain know that they are putting themselves on the line.

Whether we choose our own disaster or are bound to a path may be a mystery we never completely understand, but wherever we may walk, like a phoenix from the ashes, God raises beauty from disaster. Whether we fail miserably now, or succeed by whoevers' terms, we're told the story ends the same. God conquers all. Enjoy disaster, let satan have his destruction, because as Jesus us showed us there is something significantly more triumphant from admitting circumstances aren't ideal and surviving it than having been spared from or finding the bright side of circumstance.

dead fruit by coxi

"You don't make Christianity look good, you make rock look worse"
Hank Hill


Something can be labelled "Christian" and not be true or good...

It is possible for music to be labelled Christian and be terrible music. It could lack creativity and inspiration. The lyrics could be recycled cliches. That "Christian" band could actually be giving Jesus a bad name because they aren't a great band. It is possible for a movie to be a "Christian" movie and to be a terrible movie. It may actually descrate the art form in its quality and storytelling and craft. Just because it is Christian book by a Christian author and it was purchased in a Christian bookstore doesn't mean it is all true or good or beautiful. A Christian political group puts me in an awkward position: What if I disagree with them? Am I less of a Christian? What if I am convinced the "Christian" thing to do is to vote the exact opposite?

Christian is a great noun and a poor adjective

Thank you Rob Bell.

(From his book Velvet Elvis)

from the book of wisdom by gilad

Bandaid solutions

We keep writing to solve our problems. We write to share the burden. To talk about problems. We keep writing to better life. We write to fill the gaps. To better our minds. We keep writing as a path to guide our souls. We write to evangelize. To deepen spiritual our spiritual lives.

Writing, writing, writing. We keep reading books searching to identify, searching for solutions. We expand our crusade into other medias, maybe for those of us who are too busy, or too lazy to read. We search for in tv programs, help-groups, and even in church do we provide a format for easy steps to following God and overcoming problems. We create programs, make videos, if you have a problem there's some one out there that you've never met who knows exactly what you've been through. Except they don't know you. As much as you may feel like the people around you don't understand you, or what you're going through, some person writing a book who's never seen your face can't hold a candle to knowing you.

For all the gloriousness of the North American lifestyle there are gaps in our lives. There are things that we're just not doing right and we're filling it with newer shinier things, we're filling it with a brand new program, a book, video series. We create things to create community, we create things to fix broken families, we create things to tell others about God, we create things to fill the inadequacies that we don't like. But for all of our honest efforts we're not doing much good, while we keep ploughing foward we don't realize what we leave behind. While we are creating to try and control our downfalls, to make life as bright and shiny as we dream it to be, to reach utopia, we loose the beauty of disaster.

You may find it ironic that I write to say this. I have no problem with books and inspiration writing. I love C.S. Lewis I do not have a vengence against media... I use msn and email to talk to friends that I can't see. I do have a problem with trying to create community, but I'll admit that I for some reason hang out with a group of people get together to read a 'motivational' book so that we can be a 'community'. The problem is that we rely on these methods, we rely on these modes of connecting, we rely on our own institutions, instead of the institutions that have already been created. We don't want to hear wisdom from our parents, we don't want community with the annoying little kids who aren't as mature as we are. We want to hang out with people who know what we're going through, so we create youth groups and college and career, we create small groups and kids clubs. There we can identify and choose to be held accountable with others. Heaven forbid that we be forced to identify with the senile old man or our little brother.