luxury of tears by blueblack

luxury of tears

I hate it when I cry.

I used to hate crying, when I was a child, because it was a weakness. On school bus rides home I was surrounded by boys, by bullies, who would say anything to make me cry; it usually worked.

I hated that they could make me cry, I hated crying in front of people, I hated how vulernable and weak I was. So I stopped crying in front of people... or at least I tried. I did my best to hold back, but I usually would get angry or frusterated instead, at some points I was just withdrawn and dismal, and then would cry later on, when I was by myself.

I still hate crying, I still hate crying in front of others, it still makes me feel vulnerable Although this acting tough, crying later approach to life has mostly dissipated. Now I hate crying because it seems that I only ever cry for myself. I cry when I feel wounded, when my pride is cut down or when I am humbled about something. (Sometimes cry when some movie twists my emotions) It's not that I don't think people should cry when they're hurt or frusterated, it can be a good release of stress. But why is it I never cry for anyone else? Why is it I don't cry for some else who is hurt, cut down, or humbled? Why is it I don't cry for those around me who are lost, or sick, hurt, or troubled?

I hate it when I cry.

brothers by garrit

Surreality

So being in Ontario continued to be as busy as it had been when I first arrived and there was no time for me to post again before I left. But being home gave me quite a bit to think about (especially when one has hours in airport terminals to turn things over in their mind) and I couldn't resist posting on one of my reflections (that and I can't resist the airconditioning that the library has, so hot outside!!).

Going home was once again a surreal experience for me; I had realized this in times past, going back at Christmas time and initially when I would go back for the summer. It seems as if its not right that things should change there without me. I held my brothers little girl for the first time and watched my other brother get married, and it took a little while to sink in that the the boys who used to tease me, drive me to school and play practical jokes on me have grown up. On one hand it doesn't seem stange to see Nick as an affectionate father or Nathan finally marrying Stacie, they're both very natural and wonderful things, but then again it just doesn't seem real. But I suppose the tables could be turned on me, does it seem right to them that I moved out here and changed like I have without them.

I have many more thoughts on the distance between my family, but to avoid rabbit trailing I had better move on. Like I initially pointed out going back there can seem slightly surreal, and this got me to thinking about how people quite often comment that this place is a bubble, set aside from the real world. But what I noticed is that here seemed to me, contrary to the opinion that I've heard, to be more real than there. Why this is is no mystery, I have a job, a house (ok, a trailer... a place of my own), bills to pay, a cat to take care; a routine and responsibilities to fill. So I wondered if maybe those that couldn't see this place as reality is because, despite all other reasons or excuses, they never really had many responsibilities. In all honesty Caronport might be filled with 'nicer' people, but they have difficulties and challenges to overcome like anyone else.

It was then that I began to consider what it is that the 'real world' is most usually identified with. And it came down to that the real world is the place that is crueler, harsher; it's the place where it's harder to stand on your own, admist those who beliefs and lifestyles challenge yours. It does seem true that it is easier to grow in Christian thought here, and that there are many who only maintain an image. But out there is full of just as many fakes and flakes, and I'm wondering if maybe not being able to stand as a Christian once you leave this place isn't so much a fault of the place, but of the person. I'm not out to point fingers, and you may be tempted to be cynical saying that sure I can say that while I live here and not there. But I have lived there, and I have been tested in both places... and remember I'm not saying I'm the epitome of all understanding, I'm just thinking. It just seems strange to me that we identify the place that acknowledges God's truth less so as the place that is real.

childs philosophy by gilad

nitpicking when larger things are afoot

I sometimes wish I could identify faults in myself as easily as we identify faults in others. But if we could see our own faults so readily living with oneself would become increasingly difficult, since we are around ourselves constantly. Maybe we do have the capacity to see our own faults but it is too traumatic for us to handle so our brains just block it out, like how peoples memories block out car accidents and tragic incidents.

Righto, nitpicking. Like many things that I ponder this has been mulling about in my brain for awhile. But usually things seem slightly more formulated in my head before I try to put them in a post. I am beginning to wonder if Christians are getting distracted, or sidetracked, by their pursuit of holiness (and I'm not claiming to be holy and above this downfall). We have these ideas of what holiness is, of what a godly person looks like, we define it, read books books and have discussions about it, and for all the work and understanding are we any closer to being it? You're probably wondering how this fits in with nitpicking. It is with these ideas and definitions that we 'hold each other accountable' which is all meant or started with honest intentions but can come to the point where we are focused on slotting someone into our ideals. To the point where it comes to being less about the person and more about their image. Where friends and siblings (and please don't think that I am saying my friends and/or siblings, I'm speaking from a general meaning) go from seeing and caring about how you're doing to how you don't measure up in every little way and telling you so. I'm not saying we shouldn't encourage each other in our pursuit of holiness, but maybe if we concerned ourselves with their person first than encouraging them might be more... natural... Maybe it's just a problem at Briercrest, maybe I'm nuts (that's highly probable), but I did say that this thought wasn't as formulated as most, well at the least I hope it makes sense. If it doesn't and you do want to understand I'll take you out to coffee and we can talk. seriously.

And since this is the first time I've posted in nearly a month I'm going to jam random thoughts, rants and life-type updates all into one post (I hope you can handle this). Right now I'm actually sitting in my parents house in Ontario, and have been in the province for a few days. My brother is getting married next weekend so I'm home for a few days to visit and help out. The first few days were nutty, with moving my brother into his apartment, going jewellery shopping and family get together last night, and I thought I was going to have nothing to do... ha. My mom has two weeks off (she's a nurse) and school is out for the summer so my father (who is a teacher) and my neice (who is a student) are home as well, so I think we'll find things to do. Such as going swimming (which I'm going to do right now) and making waffles for breakfast (which I'm going to do for them tomorrow... and maybe swap some manly stories). Anyhow, that is all I have time for. Maybe if you're really lucky I'll post again before I leave this internet-laden household.