Wednesday, August 01, 2007


I just found this post from 6 months ago, thought I would post it now while I work on another:

Have you ever looked back on a situation and wondered how it worked out the way it did, or why you reacted the way you did?
I'm a firm believer that life is not random and that-at least in my life-most things that have either happened because of something, or because it is leading to something, and sometimes both. Granted I can't explain everything in my life, there have been a number of instances I know have something more to them but I don't understand. And then there are even more things I just don't understand.

I'm getting married next week and amongst the amazing bustle of it all and the unfathomable amount of tiny details I wonder how it is that I managed to come to be marrying this man. I look back and see a strange dance that brought me to this beautiful moment and though there was a great deal of painful or frustrating situations, I wouldn't chance changing a single detail if it altered what God has given me in this moment.

People have said it before. You've heard it in those chick-flicks and Disney cartoons, the cheesy line about how one person wouldn't change a single thing in their life if it meant never having known whoever it is they're in love with... or if they were given the choice they'd do it all again just to be with them.

But I'd like to move beyond my cheesiness (truly it is my medium, not my message, at least right here) and focus on the curiosity of outcomes. How strange it is that there are so many instances when if you had reacted or decided differently-and it could've been plausible for you to do so- that might have changed what is now happening in your life. Or perhaps not, perhaps one's maturity and circumstance governed the decisions they have made, which is not to cut God out of the equation, He chooses when to teach enlighten His children.

So I suppose this could boil down to the same old philosophy argument about fate or destiny, or as Christians see it the struggle between God's plan and man's choice, that I (and many others) have repositioned in daily experience.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

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til the morning after
by aquapell

Strange how the some of the best things come in the darkest times of your life. You bear through with a full knowledge that everything is not well. Even despite a spark of optimism (whether somewhere within you or an outside contribution) proclaiming that good things can come from the trials we endure something other occurs within it all. Something that even if you had been given the opportunity to find some way around what you are (or had) gone through, you might have given up the great life lessons but you endure it all again for that one thing that came of being in that place. I think most of us have been in that place, I know I've been there more than once.

I feel like I have been hovering around a comatose state of my soul and mind. I know I am there but I feel like I am asleep, reverting to basic life motions until that allow me survive through to the end. And as the end steadily moves into the present there seems to be the smallest beginnings of awakening. Like the deep sigh that comes when we see that spring is finally breaking the bounds that winter has held is the sigh in my heart. However, the flourishing of revitalization is only being approached, the end is only in sight, not actually here. Soon. And one can only hope that when a new phase of life has burst forth, though endured for that one cherished element, all the great things encountered come to fruition.
And that cherished element can be enjoyed as fully as he was appreciated in darker hours.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

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something better & something lost

Someone once asked me if I could wish for three things what would it be? Not a difficult question, there is no tree falling in the woods or one hand clapping, it is the kind of thing people ask each other for conversation sake all the time. At that time I think I responded with my student debt paid off, a car, and the third thing escapes me. But reflecting on those two parts of my answer the heart of what I was asking for was freedom. I was asked by a co-worker at the college cafeteria that I worked for, and I was sort of stuck there. There aren’t many places to work in a village that exists because of the Bible College that is there, but I did good considering the options I had. Though I managed to obtain a pretty good job, I was still stuck. With some student debt racked up and no way of getting anywhere to get a better job I suppose I felt trapped. However, the questioner did not see this in my answer; he merely shot back as soon as I responded, “So you wouldn’t cure cancer?” He thought he was being smart and witty, and left right away to let his savvy answer sink in. But I stood there a moment and after thinking about it I said to my self—since there was no one else to talk to—“no, no I wouldn’t”

This probably seems cold hearted to some. Selfish to others. But it seems to me that after considering humanity through history, curing cancer, one of the most insidious diseases we battle with, wouldn’t be that much of a feat. We have cured many debilitating diseases before it, and even if we did cure it, something else would kill us. If it isn’t cancer, it could be the avian bird flu, maybe even SARS. I respect the medical profession, rely on it; I admire man’s ability to treat, control and fight diseases like cancer. And I think that missionaries might be better met if our culture could share more of its medical knowledge. But wishing away a problem like cancer seems more like wishing to live forever. I guess the question that I would be getting at here is would curing something as invasive as cancer make life better or just make life different?

And if we did make life better, physically, would it be better in every respect? Humanity over thousands of years has spent attempting to perfect and improve all aspects of humanity, and we weren’t always making forward steps. Through this process one idea has arisen; if we attempt to perfect something do we perhaps lose something greater? The same question applies to curing cancer, or curing any such crippling disease, if we achieve bodily perfection would we lose something else? Would we lose all of the good things we have seen, and even more of the good things we have never even realized by making everything perfect as we see it?

My student loans are greater now, but I do have a car. And I think if I was asked again I’d still like them to be paid off. If money had been no object, however, I wouldn’t have changed much of what I did. I would have done it with less stress since I wouldn’t have had to work through school (but that same conclusion still stands, would something else have been lost). But I cannot see the course of humanity, my belief in God leads me to a belief in the fate of humanity, but I am not so pompous to believe that I know how we will get there. My belief in God also leads me to believe that He sees the big picture. And since He sees this I would trust what He presses on my heart to do. It occurs to me that perhaps I’m benefiting humanity more by following Him where he asks me to go than by solving the problems I think need to be fixed. If you don’t believe in God, than this could just seem like a cop-out answer, that I’m just doing what is in my heart just like everyone else and calling it God. Perhaps, that is a discussion for another time. The question that still remains is how do you know that what you’re wishing for is truly a benefit? Perhaps one person being freed of debt could be of greater profit to humanity than curing disease.

Friday, January 19, 2007

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nicht wuerdig by astormcrow

'not worthy'

I'm sitting at my computer, I have been most of the day, occasionally interrupted by wandering, walking, washing and a nap. There is something depressing about spending the entire day by yourself trying to motivate yourself to work on something that isn't immanently due, and having nothing at the end of the day to look forward to. My roommate is gone, she was only here for an hour or so, and I was working on this blasted paper. My fiance is far away building houses. I can't find Laila's number so we can hang out. I talked to my Dad for a bit, but nothing is new, so there's nothing to talk about except the cost of fixing one's car and the snow.

I'm writing my 'positional paper', which is what every Bachelor of Arts graduate must write in order for Briercrest to allow you to officially graduate. While it is fantastic that I'm writing it, it means the end is in sight, I'm so tired, worn out, and bored with homework that it's hard to focus on summarizing the nature of God and the identity and work Christ into a hundred words or less, with Scriptural backing...But as I said, the end of my schooling is in sight, and that is a relief. I've enjoyed most of my time at Briercrest. And even the times I didn't enjoy I know were crucially important for learning.

When I was in elementary school I used to do cross country running. Every one of you probably has heard me refer to myself as athletically challenged, I wasn't anymore athletic then than I am now, although I probably had more stamina then. I'm not exactly sure why I kept doing it every year, it could be because my sibling were all athletic. I wanted to live up to that standard and cross country running was the only thing that didn't require tryouts. I usually started off well, feeling pretty good just for being there and trying, but it never lasted long, I usually became exhausted pretty quickly and always came in with the last slaggers at the end.

I seem to have a little more perseverance when it comes to handling stress or juggling things (such as a lot of hours at work and courses with high expectations and work loads), but I'm beginning to feel kind of like I did when I was running those races. There came a point when I grew tired, and came to end of what seemed a unending perseverance. Every person has a breaking point; I've come to that point before and I came to find it again recently, but just as before God has raised me and given me enough to make to the end. And though last summer I looked forward to graduation as freeing me to adventure the world on my own, God knew I'd need something more to get me through the year, and gave me something to look forward to when I was done.

Now if I could only keep in mind that I am incredibly privileged and undeserving of all that God has handed me. That I only have 3 more months to get through what he asked me to come here for, and that He is faithful to carry me through what we began, I might be able to get through these last few papers.