much farther to go
I graduated almost one year ago.
I have had my hands full for so many years. Now as life begins to resemble a kind of regularity-as the stress from the hectic life behind me merely begins to unravel-I am left feeling a little lost. And also left to think about how exactly it is that I got to this point. I spent a lot time wholly concerned with what I need to do to reach the end and then after "the end" had come I was already being launched into another new stage of life. I know that life is always moving, changing. That is full of things to look forward to and goals to meet. But seeing my juggling act of educational career and working to pay the bills finally come to an end and immediately stepping into marriage and bringing together all the loose ties (aka. personal documentation and belongings in multiple provinces) into a new home.
Now that I am here, a married winnipegger with a few more degrees, as I look behind I find that it looks almost as indistinct as trying to see what lays ahead. There are some people who can remember every detail of their past but I find that the further I get from a moment the blurrier it becomes in mind, as though I am literally moving away from that point. There are some things I remember, pivotal moments in my life and bits and pieces of memory of things past linger, but many of things behind me fade away. As I said before I have been thinking about how it is I have gotten to this point, pondering on what I remember of days past and wondering about the actions and decisions that have brought me to the present. I know I am one strange bird. Even as I think about what I can remember there is much that causes me to scratch my head in wonder. Often I think about myself and feel as though I am thinking of a stranger. Some would shrug their shoulders and say that this is merely growing up; it is maturing. But many mature and do not feel alienated from their younger selves. Many mature and barely change from their younger selves. However there are many who may relate these feelings to something the Apostle Paul once wrote in a letter. He enlightened to his readers that those who choose to follow Christ, who reconcile their souls to God, become a new person and the old life they used to lead shed away like the discarded skin of an animal. Often when Paul's words are considered they are thought of with a sense of immediacy, as though the change is instantaneous. And for most there is an immediate change, but if there is one thing humanity has learnt as it has matured it is that despite the pivotal moments in our lives, in our history, the greatest change always occurs over a great deal of time. C.S. Lewis painted a picture of the journey of the soul which connects these thoughts in his book The Great Divorce. He describes how when a soul comes to the point of accepting heaven, even after reaching the gates of eternity, there is progress. Though a soul enters into heaven and perfection they learn and change. No modern person would deny that life is a progression; that idea, it is the very idea of linear time progression, beats in our minds as our hearts beat in our chest. And C.S. Lewis did not restrict his progress of the soul to the realm of heaven, rather it is an extension of what is already begun while we live on earth. And just like the pivotal moments in our life here death is a turning point in our journey and then we continue on.
I said I was left wondering how I came to be at this point, but I began with stating that there is a slight feeling of being lost. All that I had been aiming to achieve for 6 years had been accomplished, with a few unexpected 'accomplishments' as well, and it has come to that point of "what now?" "Get a job" is what we are told responsible young college graduates are to do, that is the next step in life. I think most of you reading this, knowing me, will know and understand that "what now" is bigger than the modern ideal of getting a good education so that we can get good jobs so that we can be secure and buy good houses and cars, etc. It is more of which direction, and how, my soul is progressing. Nolan and I are looking ahead to working with the youth here in the North End of Winnipeg. My heart loves possibilities and is passionate for all sorts of things; I find it easy to dream about what could be next. what now for me hopes that God will give me some post-graduate direction.