the wandering: 09/01/2005

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

There is a terrible hunger for love.
We all experience that in our lives - the pain, the loneliness.
We must have the courage to recognize it.
The poor you may have right in your own family.
Find them.
Love them.

I wonder if Mother Teresa ever felt gypped?

I was sitting in chapel during the first week of classes, thinking about some of the more challenging points in my life. And as I sat there and feeling pretty dejected and rather troubled a rather humbling thought occurred to me. Something said to me that the difference between someone like Mother Teresa and myself was that what I would consider a sacrifice and a loss she would consider an honor and a privilege.

While I can again and again recognize how God has stretched and transformed me in the things that he has asked me to do, I still remain frusterated and saddened by what I think it has cost me. The things that I've had to give up... I'm embarrassed that those words are in my heart, for I know better, I know that those things that He's asked me to "give up" weren't good enough for what He wants, not mention the fact that none of them were really mine to begin with.

I don't even know where to begin in correcting this off-centre mindset; I don't really know how I got this far thinking like this. So I guess it's a good thing that He's the one who's correcting it.

In any case, I hope these words encourages us all to press on in the lifestyle that God calls us to, they were written on the wall in Mother Teresa's home for children in Calcutta:

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.
Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.
Create anyway.

Friday, September 23, 2005

passing thought by gilad

mistaking regret

In a conversation the other day a friend said to me that everyone has in one situation or another that they regret. A common thought that everyone lives with regrets, to which I initially agreed, but then realized that I didn't agree with what I was agreeing with (I hate it when I do that, just start nodding your head or replying "yea..." and then you think yourself, 'wait a gosh darn second'). I stopped in my agreement and noted that maybe it should be said that we all have mistakes we're not proud of rather than situations that we regret.
What I want to ask you is do you think we can learn from our mistakes without regretting that we made them? Or I guess it could be rather asked, can we live without regrets? I certaintly think so, I have never regretted the mistakes I've made in my life and I've made a few embarrasing ones. Maybe I've never made any serious life-threatening or life-impairing decisions, and maybe that could be held against my opinion in this matter, but I still think regret can be unnecessary. What occurred to me while I thought about this is that what we may consider a mistake God considers the only way to have gotten something across to us. And possibly wishing that we hadn't made the mistake only distracts us from what we should be learning from it...
... Another point that I've pondered over when considering regret is is it possible to be grieved over your mistakes without regretting them? Mirriam-Webster defines those terms as though they are neigh synonomous, but I rather think of them as seperate; one, in my mind, is an emotion while the other is a desire. I could be mistaking regret, but I always saw it as wanting to change what has happened, and sorrow as being unhappy or not proud of what we've done. Maybe this is just one of those points where our language breaks down, where words can't explain another word in order to understand; the point where our words just fail us.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

get out of your comfort zone
by slick willy

(*disclaimer* this fishy picture has nothing to do with the last fishy picture, the two fishy pictures have no fishy connection)

Did you call me.... chicken?

I have, in the past, been told that I am courageous. There are people I know that have thought of me as extroverted, confident, maybe even strong-willed to a fault. But today I fully came to terms with the truth that I am indeed a spineless yellow bellied chicken.
I'm not out to say that what comrades have seen in me is entirely false, or that their opinion holds no water; but what they have seen might not have been all that they see it as. I will admit that there probably have been instances where I have been courageous, but I am not a courageous person. And I would suppose this to be true of most people, that we have moments of courage, that we are not always courageous.
I don't want to ponder what courage is, I think I did that in a post a long time ago (altough by all means you can comment on that), basically it is just facing what you fear when you could turn tail. The times that I can think of when this has happened is when God has made undeniably clear that it is something I need to do. And while I could back out and ignore what He is saying to me, I fear Him more. When I say He made it undeniably clear I mean he presses something on my heart, and when I hesitate, when I am leary he presses it again and again, until I give in. Like staying here this summer, I didn't really know if I would have a job at all, let alone a job that would be helping me to finance this education of mine. That was only one of my concerns, but I remember panicking right about the end of April and wondering what the crap I thought I was doing... (i think I wrote a post about that too somewhere...)
But for the most part I am a chicken. I'm not at home shivering in my booties, but I won't stick my neck out because I like to play it safe. I won't put myself on the line because I'm downright scared that I'm just going to be disappointed one more time. Scared that if I try explain all that God shows me and all that is in my little head, that no one is going to understand and that I'll just get dismissed. Scared that there's some way that I could feel more alienated than I already do.
Many have told me that they respect and admire how I am just who I am and that I don't try to be anything else; I'm weird and goofy, often pensieve and expressive, and that's just me. But I am not intentional in the least in the openness that my character holds, I just can't be anything else. (This is fact, I tried being something else, it really didn't work so well). But I suppose we can still admire traits that others unintentionally acheive.
So I find myself being pushed outside of my comfort zone, and God is showing me that part of listening to Him is trusting what I know it is that He says to my heart; without Him having to push and pull me to where He wants me to go. I never did think of myself as confident or courageous, but neither did I consider myself a big scaredy cat. Now that I've admitted this all to you, I am a little farther away from being able to just slip back into my fear, and hopefully gritting my teeth and moving onward.

Monday, September 12, 2005

jump by ssilence

feelin' fine

Today I officially took the student manager position in the cafeteria that I work at. I remember my boss had said something about it a number of weeks ago, but it didn't really sink in that this was a promotion of sorts.
Anyhow, I do get paid more, so I hear. Although I don't do anything less than I would've done anyhow, responsibility wise. But the best part of all this is the support that came from my bosses. Both the director as well as the staffing manager (i don't know what his techinal title really is) both reguarded considering me for this position not only natural but one of their first choices; makes a girl feel warm and fuzzy inside.

I know haven't had many thoughtful posts lately... it's not that haven't had much on my mind, just nothing that I've felt like posting on. I will correct this autrocity soon... if it comes down to it I've got some 'stock' deep thoughts that I wrote down back in july (ha!).
Leave me a note, let me know you're alive... and still sticking it out with me...

Friday, September 09, 2005

enlightenment by gilad

learning is painful

This is nothing new. But it seems a point that came up in conversation more than a few times this past week.
Right now I seem to be left with nothing to do but sit and reflect at the patterns in my life (I just wish they were as simple as the tiles on that floor). And it seems that God is pushing me out the patterns I have set in my life, pushing me out of my comfort zone.
I have homework I should be doing, I have books I could and would like to read... video games that need to be played! But I'm having difficulty doing any of it, I'm even having incredible difficulty writing this post. I've always been very good at burying myself in something, focusing on something that should get done. If something is on my mind, if there is some turmoil going on I would just spend more time in the library, doing homework, or clean up my room. But I can't seem to do that. I can't distract myself with these things, keeping myself busy doesn't seem to work, and it's driving me nuts.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

RelationShips by gilad

this picture was taken after another at the same location,
The Things I've Seen
which has the most phenominal artist's explanation I've ever read.

Well tomorrow is the day when most of the students will begin to arrive, by monday night they should all be here. The high school is already here as well as the students in leadership, things are beginning to get into swing. Our internet was switched on two days ago (opposed to the 15th like we were told, w00t!) and I finished up working night shifts at the convience store last night....

After a summer of simplicity, of thinking, resting, and raising concerns I am now heading into another year. One that in many ways seems very freeing (ha, like finally having my evenings open) and yet holds interesting challenges. I am so excited. And yet, nervous.

The face of Briercrest, of Caronport, changes so quickly, changes so drastically from year to year, but friends who have been with me from the beginning are gone now. People I've gotten to know along the way are leaving. All new faces are coming in, some of the newer relationships I've started hopefully will continue on, and I just really hope that this year really takes off. Last year was good, it was important; but started with pain, held a lot of healing, frusterations and even handed me some deep disappointments. Although I don't hold any false hope of not having any difficulties, I do hope that this year will be a year of rejoicing.

For all students returning to their studies as well as to all who work hard making a living, I hope you find humility in knowing that there will always be things you don' t know or understand and that you take joy in in discovering lessons that will find you.