Monday, February 28, 2005

as the crows sing by nayla

Ne Pas De Boys?

It's official, I'm done with boys. Please don't worry, it's only temporary. Indefinite, but temporary. So as my friend Chantie has been saying, ne pas de boys! That's probably horrible French... we'll blame Chantie if it is.

Boys, there is nothing wrong with you; I'll make that disclaimer up front. This is not a frustration with you, or bitterness towards boys in general, but right now I'm meant to be single. It isn't as if I've dated a lot, in fact I've dated very, very little; but I have spent a lot of time looking for someone. God has been pressing on my heart the words, 'he's not here', when I first heard them I passed it off.. I passed it off as one of those fears that creep into your heart, like 'what if I never find anyone?' 'What if I die alone?' Or 'what if I become a cat lady?' But gradually I've come to accept those words (he's not here... I'm pretty sure I'll never accept any idea of becoming a cat lady). Often confessing or declaring something is a sign of accepting it; this post is the first time that I have declared or confessed that God has pressed those words on my heart. I think I've finally accepted them.

He's not here... I cannot tell you what exactly that is supposed to mean. Whether it means that I will not find anyone here throughout my time here, or whether he's not here right now. Whether I will have to wait until years from now, or whether it will be tomorrow. There are many explanations that my flexible mind could jump mental gymnastics around, but that is not the point of those words. Those words are meant to guide, not to confuse me or for me to analyze. I will admit there have been a few boys here this year that I have thought, 'hey, he's cool' (and I said it just like that), but there was always that nagging knowledge that nothing would happen, at least nothing that God would have me engage in (heh, I need to be careful how I use that word around Briercrest). I do have a feeling that this may, at the least, last throughout the summer; other than the fact that I don't think I'll meet many single boys in my age range between April to August. I know God has pressed it on my heart to stay in the cport this summer, I think he means for me to be here with as little distractions as possible (and the cport is a good place to get away from distractions). I think this summer will be God and I, and hopefully a job, having a very long serious chat. And I am very much done discussing my relational status... or lack there of, there are bigger things afoot.

In my life lately there has been quite a bit of battling, by God's grace I have been winning, but it is making me tired. Satan's been working overtime... there's been nothing new, but he's been pushing all kinds of buttons to see which one can hit a nerve. There have been temptations to worry about things I can't change (mainly finances), temptations to dwell on past mistakes or sorrows, and temptations to focus too much on what may come in the future (such as the hopeful change in relational status) and most certainly tempted to doubt self worth (oooh I could write a whole post and a half on that stupid thing.... in fact I think I have). Sound familiar? They're typical methods satan uses to wane on one's patience. There is nothing that tempts me that isn't common to all of us; I know God stands by my side, giving me the strength to endure through whatever may come my way, 1 Corinthians 10:13 tells us this. Today was tough; I had a lot of studying to do, so I spent a lot of time in front of my computer, trying to hold off certain thoughts and distractions in order to focus on philosophy. And in the last week a lot of interesting situations have popped up, causing a lot of thoughts and questions... ponderings and concerns...

If you remember, please pray for me, we all need help and by remembering me in your prayers would help quite a bit. Heh... it's been awhile since I've written a proper post... a jo post as I think Dawn would call it... I hope this suffices.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

bench in woods by indospan


I watched Shadowlands, so now I want your thoughts on something...

Do we read to know we're not alone?

Do we love to know we're not alone?

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

condition by J i m

Two unconnected thoughts...

So I read Ecclesiates for class the other day, and found something very interesting, the most qouted part of the book would definately be the beginnng part of chapter 3:

There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven--

A time to give birth and a time to die;
A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.
A time to kill and a time to heal;
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.
A time to search and a time to give up as lost;
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;
A time to be silent and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate;
A time for war and a time for peace.

What profit is there to the worker from that in which he toils?
I have seen the task which God has given the sons of men with which to occupy themselves. He has made everything appropriate in its time.

As I was reading the text book for the class the author made an interesting point, that this Scripture is more than often read in the understanding that there is a right moment for people to do things, he proposes that they mean just the reverse that "all moments are in the hands of God, who does them in a rhythm that is beyond human calculation."

anyhow, a completely different thought, more a musing that I thought I would share with you...

Why does it seem that either I am comtemplative, sad, maybe even depressed (or depressing) due to unfortunate circumstances or bubbling over in excitement to the point of embarrasment and foolishness due to favourable circumstances... I'm either happy and embarrasing myself or sad because I have done so... ah musings...

Saturday, February 12, 2005

a loss for hope by handsinpantsdance
(some of these artists create the strangest names...)

I am a fool
yes, a loser too.
I've done it again,
gone and messed up.
Have lost sight of wisdom.

Even Solomon in the midst of despair,
still had some grip on wisdom.
Saying there is time
for every event
under heaven,
A time to be silent
and a time to speak.
But I am left struggling
having left wisdom behind
desperately tying to find
myself in the middle.

I am left to watch myself
practicing the very evil
that I do not wish.
Instead of seeing
and showing the good
that I so wish I would do.
But I am not the only one
who struggled with that.

Your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
I just wish I could see
how I could possibly be
fearfully or wonderfully made.

I don't fear You
nearly enough.

For if I did
maybe I would
strive to align myself
with the image that I am
supposed to reflect a little more.

But it's not going to happen in an instant.
No I am not a complete loss for hope,
just wish I could do what I wish.
I am struggling to gain myself,
and leaving behind the fool.

Friday, February 11, 2005

when the tide goes out by rustajb

Got.. to.. shake.. Bridal Quest mindset...

well spring fever is beginning to hit, but I'm not jaded or bitter ( that doesn't mean I am going to be participating in this years hook up fever...). I've even running around singing/humming "Love Song for No One" and smirking to myself. There is no one except Hume and Kant to keep me engaged, though I'm hardly alone on a Friday. Well at least not this Friday, my peeps keep me company and I am even going to have waffles with a friend tonight. Life is pretty much the same, though many things have been weighing on my mind, God is stretching me, more so than usual...

"Love Song For No One"

Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me

Thursday, February 03, 2005

take my hand
by devilicious

It occurs to me that we should beware of those who have the appearance of being oblivious or unobservant. They often know more than they let on. It also occurs to me that those who seem to be knowledgeable are often just as lost as the person who seems to be oblivious...

Ok, I haven't posted in awhile, the masses have begun to stir, to grumble... it makes a girl feel so loved... many things have happened and yet I am uncertain of what to tell you.
School work keeps me busy, I've got assignments scattered all the way through the semester (so instead of a crazy couple of weeks I'm steadily busy most of the time). Classes are going well, keeping on top of everything, and am almost done with a blasted DL that seems to go on forever. Work is work, I average around 12 hours a week, nothing big but it covers the rent.

Beka moved in at the beginning of the semester, the house is a little more lively with a third occupant, and the boys from Free Brygmann built a snow citadel in our (as they like to call it since they really don't have one) front yard.

I've been hanging around with the boys from Grace Abbey (which is just across the road) and also some boys down the road. I do have to say I find these people not only to be very cool and deep, but also absolutely hilarious. God once again has blessed me with more fantastic friends.

It was day of prayer this past Tuesday, which was needed. The week before I had been going through some spiritual struggles, things like being over concerned with money issues, questioning a lot of things like what I am really doing here... but there were a few worrying concerns on my mind, and as I prayed over those things God warned me that something big was coming... of course it is interesting how something can happen without us realizing how very important it really was... anyhow as I was praying on Tuesday I was asking Him to talk to me, since I was supposed to be waiting on God and hurrying to listen to Him. As I prayed the words, 'wait, just wait' were the only answer He gave me. He's spoken those exact words to me before... actually it was about this time last year... Anyhow, He's holding my hand and I am constantly reminded that I am His little girl. And that, everybody, is what is up with me. Maybe someday soon I will come out with some fresh rant or deep thought to tickle your brain with...