Friday, January 19, 2007

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nicht wuerdig by astormcrow

'not worthy'

I'm sitting at my computer, I have been most of the day, occasionally interrupted by wandering, walking, washing and a nap. There is something depressing about spending the entire day by yourself trying to motivate yourself to work on something that isn't immanently due, and having nothing at the end of the day to look forward to. My roommate is gone, she was only here for an hour or so, and I was working on this blasted paper. My fiance is far away building houses. I can't find Laila's number so we can hang out. I talked to my Dad for a bit, but nothing is new, so there's nothing to talk about except the cost of fixing one's car and the snow.

I'm writing my 'positional paper', which is what every Bachelor of Arts graduate must write in order for Briercrest to allow you to officially graduate. While it is fantastic that I'm writing it, it means the end is in sight, I'm so tired, worn out, and bored with homework that it's hard to focus on summarizing the nature of God and the identity and work Christ into a hundred words or less, with Scriptural backing...But as I said, the end of my schooling is in sight, and that is a relief. I've enjoyed most of my time at Briercrest. And even the times I didn't enjoy I know were crucially important for learning.

When I was in elementary school I used to do cross country running. Every one of you probably has heard me refer to myself as athletically challenged, I wasn't anymore athletic then than I am now, although I probably had more stamina then. I'm not exactly sure why I kept doing it every year, it could be because my sibling were all athletic. I wanted to live up to that standard and cross country running was the only thing that didn't require tryouts. I usually started off well, feeling pretty good just for being there and trying, but it never lasted long, I usually became exhausted pretty quickly and always came in with the last slaggers at the end.

I seem to have a little more perseverance when it comes to handling stress or juggling things (such as a lot of hours at work and courses with high expectations and work loads), but I'm beginning to feel kind of like I did when I was running those races. There came a point when I grew tired, and came to end of what seemed a unending perseverance. Every person has a breaking point; I've come to that point before and I came to find it again recently, but just as before God has raised me and given me enough to make to the end. And though last summer I looked forward to graduation as freeing me to adventure the world on my own, God knew I'd need something more to get me through the year, and gave me something to look forward to when I was done.

Now if I could only keep in mind that I am incredibly privileged and undeserving of all that God has handed me. That I only have 3 more months to get through what he asked me to come here for, and that He is faithful to carry me through what we began, I might be able to get through these last few papers.