much farther to go

I graduated almost one year ago.
I have had my hands full for so many years. Now as life begins to resemble a kind of regularity-as the stress from the hectic life behind me merely begins to unravel-I am left feeling a little lost. And also left to think about how exactly it is that I got to this point. I spent a lot time wholly concerned with what I need to do to reach the end and then after "the end" had come I was already being launched into another new stage of life. I know that life is always moving, changing. That is full of things to look forward to and goals to meet. But seeing my juggling act of educational career and working to pay the bills finally come to an end and immediately stepping into marriage and bringing together all the loose ties (aka. personal documentation and belongings in multiple provinces) into a new home.
Now that I am here, a married winnipegger with a few more degrees, as I look behind I find that it looks almost as indistinct as trying to see what lays ahead. There are some people who can remember every detail of their past but I find that the further I get from a moment the blurrier it becomes in mind, as though I am literally moving away from that point. There are some things I remember, pivotal moments in my life and bits and pieces of memory of things past linger, but many of things behind me fade away. As I said before I have been thinking about how it is I have gotten to this point, pondering on what I remember of days past and wondering about the actions and decisions that have brought me to the present. I know I am one strange bird. Even as I think about what I can remember there is much that causes me to scratch my head in wonder. Often I think about myself and feel as though I am thinking of a stranger. Some would shrug their shoulders and say that this is merely growing up; it is maturing. But many mature and do not feel alienated from their younger selves. Many mature and barely change from their younger selves. However there are many who may relate these feelings to something the Apostle Paul once wrote in a letter. He enlightened to his readers that those who choose to follow Christ, who reconcile their souls to God, become a new person and the old life they used to lead shed away like the discarded skin of an animal. Often when Paul's words are considered they are thought of with a sense of immediacy, as though the change is instantaneous. And for most there is an immediate change, but if there is one thing humanity has learnt as it has matured it is that despite the pivotal moments in our lives, in our history, the greatest change always occurs over a great deal of time. C.S. Lewis painted a picture of the journey of the soul which connects these thoughts in his book The Great Divorce. He describes how when a soul comes to the point of accepting heaven, even after reaching the gates of eternity, there is progress. Though a soul enters into heaven and perfection they learn and change. No modern person would deny that life is a progression; that idea, it is the very idea of linear time progression, beats in our minds as our hearts beat in our chest. And C.S. Lewis did not restrict his progress of the soul to the realm of heaven, rather it is an extension of what is already begun while we live on earth. And just like the pivotal moments in our life here death is a turning point in our journey and then we continue on.
I said I was left wondering how I came to be at this point, but I began with stating that there is a slight feeling of being lost. All that I had been aiming to achieve for 6 years had been accomplished, with a few unexpected 'accomplishments' as well, and it has come to that point of "what now?" "Get a job" is what we are told responsible young college graduates are to do, that is the next step in life. I think most of you reading this, knowing me, will know and understand that "what now" is bigger than the modern ideal of getting a good education so that we can get good jobs so that we can be secure and buy good houses and cars, etc. It is more of which direction, and how, my soul is progressing. Nolan and I are looking ahead to working with the youth here in the North End of Winnipeg. My heart loves possibilities and is passionate for all sorts of things; I find it easy to dream about what could be next. what now for me hopes that God will give me some post-graduate direction.

the bridge between mind and matter by gilad

the bridge between mind and matter

I feel like the all the elements in my life are coming together to thwart my attempts to write.

This may seem like an exaggeration, but you're probably not surprised since I've always been a conspiracy theorist on non-consequential matters. It is although technology and small pieces of plastic have been banding together to play a practical joke that just isn't funny.

I sit down on the computer and if more than one window-internet browser or otherwise-is open it suddenly feels as sluggish as my grandfather after a potluck dinner on a hot summers day. And pens! Every one I pick up is conspicuously out of ink! And time plays tricks on me. I think now that I don't have to unpack boxes, switch legal documents over to new names and new provinces all after I'm done working a full day that I should have a few more minutes to write a few thoughts out. No! No time at all!
Of course the fact that my computer is ancient and bogged down, that I haven't bought new pens in about 2 years and that I spent a little too long watching tv last night (it's a bit of a novelty right now since I haven't had tv since I lived at home) mean absolutely nothing.

Now that I'm done ranting mostly to myself about my inability to bring myself to do what I want to do, I'll reflect more seriously.
It's been hard to write since I graduated. In fact I didn't write much in my last year at school either. I was burnt out and struggled to do the things required of me. There was nothing left for extra-curricular.
But since the last paper that I handed in just under a year ago thinking creatively, thinking at all, has ceased. I've been urging myself, even taking my journal and a pen in hand, telling myself not to let the tiredness to take away what I enjoyed. For awhile nothing came; nothing outside of daily thoughts. Here and there thoughts have come to me, ideas, plots and some ponderings. Once I'm done writing in my journal or before I can come to the computer to type it out languish creeps in-somehow it all seems not only unoriginal but more predominantly it all seems inconsequential, as though nothing that I think matters anymore- and the life of my thoughts slides away.
I have told myself that these past few years have been hard and I need some time to rest and its probably true. But small fears of slipping into laziness or those condemnations I've heard people say about "real life" (why is it that when people talk about real life or responsibilities is usually lacks life and sounds more about making ourselves comfortable and secure in material concerns?) taking over urge me not to let go of what I love, not to let it fade away.
So, I hope to have both, to rest and also to write. Since writing has always been a refuge for me this should not be a stretch. Nolan is a great encourager and has broached the idea of setting aside time that is meant for me to write. Where is the resting in this idea, I am not going to push myself to come up with anything great, in fact I may purposely write crap. And look I've already started! What I'm saying here is not a new idea, it's just where I am. The point is to allow myself the space so that when my mind and soul are ready they'll be able to say something that maybe isn't unoriginal or completely insignificant.