Sunday, April 26, 2009
worth your salt by aquapell
After a year and a half of fundraising, Nolan has finally begun on the adventure we've been preparing for. As we've been working toward this goal the people who have been cheering us on have been praying for and talking about my being a good support for Nolan. Lately this has been leaving me feeling a little more like my husbands lackey than a co-conspirator is our life scheme, at least in the eyes of others. Granted my own fears of being stuck in a place of ensuring whatever lackings in out family income is supplemented is most likely playing up the views I fear are coming from others.
The supportive role has been commonly played by the wife in situations like mine and Nolan's in the past and there has been nothing wrong with this kind of set up, so it would be natural to assume that I would play this part. However my own heart constantly feels a dissatisfaction with working a perfectly agreeable job. My heart crys out for more than a good paying job with the security of benefits and the possibility of promotion and it refuses to become comfortable in a place that it doesn't belong. While I'm hanging in the inbetween of knowing it craves something more but is uncertain of how to go about it or where to find it, doubts creep in. Whatever ideas that are populated in my mind, doubt encrouches upon them with it shroud of impossibility. I feel like I keep waiting for something to break loose, but wonder if I am not capable of the the things I feel inclined to do. If, perhaps, God has not intended to grace me with the tasks I believe I am to take up.
While I may have to wait for my character to be revealed, while God may need to build up the story before the reader (or the character herself) can begin to see the true potential. In the mean time I do not believe I am to patiently wait for some magic moment, I am meant to struggle. And my hope in sharing this is that I may of shake off some of my inhibitions.