coming home byssilence


homecoming

It has been a long time. I have been waiting, as I said a little earlier, and I'm hoping what I have been waiting for has come.

I am two weeks into sick leave and in a month and a half, with a new addition to my life, I will be on maternity leave. And while motherhood will be a joy on in its own right and I am appreciative for the extra time I have been granted to get ready for it I am hoping that this new pace of life is opening the path I have been waiting for.
There is more to come; with a little rest my brain has been revived. I remember my family used to have an commodore computer in our basement when I was a child. My brothers and I would curl up in blankets (it was cold down there!) and play the old classic games, but we always had to wait, what seemed like forever, while the computer started and then loaded the game. I feel like my brain is an old commodore starting up and the rest of me has been, impatiently, waiting.
However while I hope for an home coming of my own, there is another also waiting for theirs. And with only a little time I am rushing to prepare a place in our little condo. I have been researching all options like any nervous first parent and attempting to make the best choices. I have discovered one wonderful thing and those of you who know me will smile as it is once again a unique or 'different' item from the norm. A company (and there are a few other brands, but this one is the best I have seen) in New Zealand called Hushamok makes a hammock for babies. Besides just looking hip, it actually helps babies sleep better.
Since there is a contest on right now to win a free one (and I am fairly poor so free things are like gold to me) I'm putting in my first shameless plug. There is a link on the side to Dirty Diaper Laundry who is hosting the contest or  (if there are others interested ) you can go directly to the contest page here. 
Maybe if I get a baby hammock, a better rested baby will give me more time to write.
 

still waiting by r3novatio

Waiting is hard.
Like actually waiting.
Where one can't really focus on anything else until it's actually here.
We wait for the weekend. Wait for summer. Wait for the things we look forward to.
But with these sorts of waiting in between we keep ourselves busy with our regular lives.
We wait at the doctors office. We wait in line. Wait for the things we need to get done.
These types of waiting can be closer to what I'm talking about, but even here we have magazines, games on our phones, things to intentionally distract us from our own impatience.
The waiting I felt today I have felt before and I think you might have felt it too. I waited for something I both looked forward to and felt anxious about. I tried to fill my regular day with little distractions. Little distractions that only work for short waitings. I watched the clock for an entire day. And when the waiting was finally over I felt a little like my day had really just begun. For about an hour, then I felt like going to bed.

just let it go by onixa

Why is it we respond to what others say without thinking through context?
We respond to how we hear the words. How they make us feel. How they might mean if we said it ourselves or, and maybe most likely, what we fear those words are supposed to mean. We respond back to the person with all sorts of personal attachment to their words and could have avoided the selfish misinterpretation if we had for just a moment stopped to think about who is saying these words.
At most you may need to ask them to explain further. While this may cause conversations to take more time and if the other person may become frustrated to have to explain, more likely they will feel honoured that you care enough to understand and listen to their perspective and they cannot become any more frustrated than if you had assumed incorrectly the intent of their words. But really most misunderstandings could be corrected with a pause. A pause to put together the words with the person standing across from you.

I guess this is the most frustrating thing about myself lately. And it occurs mostly with Nolan. For some reason, and I do not think that I am the only one who has experienced this, marriage has torn down the reservations I have with the general public that allow me to think through the words that I am hearing. It is like that filter has just evaporated. While the stress that I have been experiencing may cause me to be more irritable and impatient, it does not explain why when I get home I suddenly stop listening with my head. There are reasons like caring more what Nolan thinks of me than the general public or that I am possibly letting the negative effects of my stress loose on him and there may be some small truth to either. However I think that when you've stripped away all the personal boundaries and become 'one' those fears you've learned to control come forth from the sidelines because there is another who could shake up all the conclusions you have come to or who may confirm something you didn't want to believe. It is not the fear that they will do these things, more the fear that they have the power to.

I began thinking about ways to save money and I started to write with the idea of just jotting out a list of things to cut back on and instead I found myself dialoguing, with myself, about the matter, since I haven't written anything else lately blog readers this is all you're getting from me right now. Enjoy!

 I need to think of ways to save money. Up until now I have been trying to think to ways to make money, but I think unless I can also cut some corners then whatever I make maybe won't make a big enough diffrence if that extra money is going to be spent right away. 

In regards to food, I don't want to necessarily spend less for products. There are some items that I could purchase the no name brand of but I think I would rather buy better quality products. Where we could  save money however is on buying less prepackaged meals and more raw materials and making meals from scratch. 
Another food factor is eating out Nolan and I have already discussed eating out less. I think that fast food restaurants are probably our biggest problem. It isn't that we eat out at fast food restaurants a lot but they sneak their way in and it doesn't feel like we're going out to eat. Because it's not a fancy place I don't feel as though it should count as eating out, but despite how I feel it is still more expensive than eating at home. Much more expensive!
Then there is snacks. This is even more a useless area of spending than eating out, rather than spending more money than need be  on a necessesity we're spending lots of money onsomething completely unnessesary. Something unhealthy. By no means does this I condemn delicious snacks, I love chocolate too much. What I mean to do is reevaluate how often I need it. And if I ate it less I might just savour it more when I do have it.
I guess the next bigger thing I spend money on is clothes. I have actually cut back on my clothing budget in the last few years. How I use to shop is I'd hit all of the sale racks and buy lots of clothes at super discounted prices. I got got a lot of good deals, however I would end up still spending a lot on clothes and my super discounts would either wear out within a season or two or (more likely) I would quickly grow bored with them and they'd end up in the give away pile. So I have actually spending more on each individual price of clothing, but I have been buying less and more enduring clothing. Which may equal out now in regards of cost but n the ling run I believe ( I hope) will save me more. But this really is just growing up and thinking responsibly rather than just a method of saving money. This is a movement that has been slowly maturing in me since the time that ideas of where and how our clothes are made as well combating the attitudes of our disposable society's bad habits. However today I am writing about saving money, so I will resist running down a rabbit trail ( I'll save that for another day).
Besides that two other things that has occurred to me in regards of saving money on clothes is that I need to work harder to find clothes that I like at places like the Sally Anne and value village. I sometimes find it hard  at value village where they charge way too much for used clothing and hard everywhere else because the clothes are ugly. You often can find a gem but often I am too lazy to go treasure hunting.
Ok so this is as far as ibhave gotten and I am now bored of thinking about how to save money. Besides I think food and clothing are the largest areas of spending that I can change. I do spend a lot of money on wool and knitting accessories, but we all know that is just not going to change. In fact I'm hoping that I can spend more on those things in hopes of making money. I told you about the possibility of teaching knitting classes and I have also been thinking about trying to knit enough items to set up a table at the Vineyard's next art and craft show (which has quite the collection of talented artists and craftspeople, it is quite the elite affair ;D). The hope would be to make enogh of a profit to finance a knitting machine which would keep my knitting business rolling and really be the only way that I could continue to make a profit rather than just a hobbiest. 
On that note I've been trying to think of a good name for a knitting blog that I would use as a central hub on info for classes products and shows I'll be attending, suggestions are welcome.    

for the love of knitting

since the time of my childhood I have loved to knit. And sporadically I have been able to make money doing it. But the contemplation of trying to make a living in the world of knitting never lasted long as it is an incredibly difficult endeavor. I would have to have the makings of Debbie Bliss or Suss Cousin (who knit all of the sweaters for 'The Grinch Who Stole Christmas'). While I may bot be of the knitting magnitude of these needle heroes I have been excited lately at the thought of making knitting my part time job.
I realized after my hippie church had a craft sale last November that I may have found the right community to market my skills, as not only do the people who frequent our neighbourhood love a good natural fibre-like a lucious alpaca yarn or a hardy lambs wool-but also they appreciate the quality (thus are willing to pay an appropiate price). I guess the other factor that I didn't realize years ago may have had something to do with my location is the sheer population. There is definately a larger market when you move from the Hamlet of Kerwood to the city of Winnipeg.
So. I had thought that I would perhaps start knitting some things and build up a collection of items for the next time we put on the craft sale. I wasn't in the mindset that I was going to make a lot of money, more like a Christmas bonus. That I'd give to myself. I'd knit some winter items like mittens and socks, some Christmas things (because everyone lives a hand knit Christmas stocking) and a lot of baby clothes (people really like hand knit baby things).
While I was getting exciting for this small venture, a friend of mine came along to nurture this inspiration into a much larger idea. I went out for tea and a trip to one of Winnipeg's fine wool shops with a fellow lover of the needle arts a few weeks ago and while we were browsing for wool we noticed a brochure advertising knitting classes. We faintly pondered upon taking a class together for fun as we left, but then she turned to me and proclaimed that I should be teaching classes instead of taking them. She began to get excited at the idea (which is one of the parts of her personality I absolutely adore, she gets just as excited at good ideas for other people as she would if they were for herself), she began to talk about how I could make money doing this and wouldn't be terribly stressful since it's just ladies (and maybe some men) getting together to do a leisurely activity. The idea latched itself inky brain and I began to feel nervous and excited; I've taught people to knit before but never a group, could I really make money at this?
I think I have to decided to give it a try. See if I can make this work.
I hope I can.

Having a two month old kitten is akin to a two year old child. I could list all kinds of cute analagies but it comes down to two things: energy and legs.
I work as a youth care worker and one morning I took my cat, Whiskey Jack, to work. It was a Sunday morning and as any normal teenager my client slept in as long as they could. It is in moments like those that I usually attempt to catch up on some educatonal reading and enjoy the peace and quiet. However - And you knew there would be a however- I spent the entire day chasing my cat out of places he wasn't supposed to be and defending myself from his energetic attacks. While your ordinary adult cat would thwart your attempts to read by climbing directly onto your book, my wonderful toddler would instead chomp on my hands.
By the end of my shift I was exhausted, and my client had been awake for less than two hours of my shift. Although I hope that biting is not how true toddlers choose to spend their energy.
  

In a desperate effort to get myself back to the place I once was. To get back, as Paul McCartney once wrote, to where I once belonged. I have promised this so many times over the past years. Promised myself, promised others and constantly feel guilty over the fact that the physical setbacks I have been experiencing have kept me from this. My TMJ has slowly taken all of my energy and left me feeling that working fulltime takes everything out of me. No amount of sleep seems to be enough and leaves me sluggish and disorientated. Others may not notice it , except people like Nolan who sees me everyday and has known me since before this began, however I see it, I feel it. I have a hard enough time trying to remember all of the details of my job and life, I feel as though it is impossible to keep up with basic day to day things. Likewise the bigger picture parts of my life have become a muddling mess. While it use to be second nature to me to critically ponder all aspects of life- even to an infuriating degree- now my brain cannot be bothered to think beyond the immediate. And I am inflicted with an overwhelming feeling of insignificance that affects my ability to pour out whatever straggling thouhts remain in my sloth-ridden mind. Any time I begin to write I am immediately met with questions of why. Why I am I writing this, where are guess thoughts leading to and what makes me think that they are of any consequence. Nagging questions of worth halt any desperate attempts of moving forward with what once came a little more naturally to me. While I know that this too is a product of what my body is experiencing- lack of proper sleep wears down not only a persons immune system but also with a persons fortitude against personal issues, it creates the perfect opportunity for doubt.
Lately I have begun to fear that even when this long procedure of fixing my jaw is over some of these unwanted aspects that have become part of my life may not take their leave. I fear that though I legitimately suffer through the things I have just described I use it as an excuse for laziness. I fear that things I feel are out of my co trol now will nit change later when they are in my control. It leaves me feeling desperate to do something. The fighter in me doesn't want to let the things that I love slip away. Unfortunately I have had to learn that sometimes I must accept my circumstances do what I can to survive through the storm. And as this message made it's way from my head to my heart I finally accepted that perhaps at this point in my life I may have nothing to say, but I am going to say nothing anyhow.
I hope this time that my determination to keep writing will stick and that some my nothing will steer back into something. I hope my Determination will continue to look like it does right at this moment (I am currently plunking thus entire post out on my iPod touch since my computer has died due to the mysterious destruction of it's power cord).
And even though I only have one reader left( and even she has probably given up checking my blog regularily) I will continue to post away with nothing. So Char I hope you look forward to a lot of narrative a about my cat and complaints concerning Winnipeg winters.