Friday, January 29, 2010
In a desperate effort to get myself back to the place I once was. To get back, as Paul McCartney once wrote, to where I once belonged. I have promised this so many times over the past years. Promised myself, promised others and constantly feel guilty over the fact that the physical setbacks I have been experiencing have kept me from this. My TMJ has slowly taken all of my energy and left me feeling that working fulltime takes everything out of me. No amount of sleep seems to be enough and leaves me sluggish and disorientated. Others may not notice it , except people like Nolan who sees me everyday and has known me since before this began, however I see it, I feel it. I have a hard enough time trying to remember all of the details of my job and life, I feel as though it is impossible to keep up with basic day to day things. Likewise the bigger picture parts of my life have become a muddling mess. While it use to be second nature to me to critically ponder all aspects of life- even to an infuriating degree- now my brain cannot be bothered to think beyond the immediate. And I am inflicted with an overwhelming feeling of insignificance that affects my ability to pour out whatever straggling thouhts remain in my sloth-ridden mind. Any time I begin to write I am immediately met with questions of why. Why I am I writing this, where are guess thoughts leading to and what makes me think that they are of any consequence. Nagging questions of worth halt any desperate attempts of moving forward with what once came a little more naturally to me. While I know that this too is a product of what my body is experiencing- lack of proper sleep wears down not only a persons immune system but also with a persons fortitude against personal issues, it creates the perfect opportunity for doubt.
Lately I have begun to fear that even when this long procedure of fixing my jaw is over some of these unwanted aspects that have become part of my life may not take their leave. I fear that though I legitimately suffer through the things I have just described I use it as an excuse for laziness. I fear that things I feel are out of my co trol now will nit change later when they are in my control. It leaves me feeling desperate to do something. The fighter in me doesn't want to let the things that I love slip away. Unfortunately I have had to learn that sometimes I must accept my circumstances do what I can to survive through the storm. And as this message made it's way from my head to my heart I finally accepted that perhaps at this point in my life I may have nothing to say, but I am going to say nothing anyhow.
I hope this time that my determination to keep writing will stick and that some my nothing will steer back into something. I hope my Determination will continue to look like it does right at this moment (I am currently plunking thus entire post out on my iPod touch since my computer has died due to the mysterious destruction of it's power cord).
And even though I only have one reader left( and even she has probably given up checking my blog regularily) I will continue to post away with nothing. So Char I hope you look forward to a lot of narrative a about my cat and complaints concerning Winnipeg winters.