still waiting by r3novatio

Waiting is hard.
Like actually waiting.
Where one can't really focus on anything else until it's actually here.
We wait for the weekend. Wait for summer. Wait for the things we look forward to.
But with these sorts of waiting in between we keep ourselves busy with our regular lives.
We wait at the doctors office. We wait in line. Wait for the things we need to get done.
These types of waiting can be closer to what I'm talking about, but even here we have magazines, games on our phones, things to intentionally distract us from our own impatience.
The waiting I felt today I have felt before and I think you might have felt it too. I waited for something I both looked forward to and felt anxious about. I tried to fill my regular day with little distractions. Little distractions that only work for short waitings. I watched the clock for an entire day. And when the waiting was finally over I felt a little like my day had really just begun. For about an hour, then I felt like going to bed.

just let it go by onixa

Why is it we respond to what others say without thinking through context?
We respond to how we hear the words. How they make us feel. How they might mean if we said it ourselves or, and maybe most likely, what we fear those words are supposed to mean. We respond back to the person with all sorts of personal attachment to their words and could have avoided the selfish misinterpretation if we had for just a moment stopped to think about who is saying these words.
At most you may need to ask them to explain further. While this may cause conversations to take more time and if the other person may become frustrated to have to explain, more likely they will feel honoured that you care enough to understand and listen to their perspective and they cannot become any more frustrated than if you had assumed incorrectly the intent of their words. But really most misunderstandings could be corrected with a pause. A pause to put together the words with the person standing across from you.

I guess this is the most frustrating thing about myself lately. And it occurs mostly with Nolan. For some reason, and I do not think that I am the only one who has experienced this, marriage has torn down the reservations I have with the general public that allow me to think through the words that I am hearing. It is like that filter has just evaporated. While the stress that I have been experiencing may cause me to be more irritable and impatient, it does not explain why when I get home I suddenly stop listening with my head. There are reasons like caring more what Nolan thinks of me than the general public or that I am possibly letting the negative effects of my stress loose on him and there may be some small truth to either. However I think that when you've stripped away all the personal boundaries and become 'one' those fears you've learned to control come forth from the sidelines because there is another who could shake up all the conclusions you have come to or who may confirm something you didn't want to believe. It is not the fear that they will do these things, more the fear that they have the power to.

I began thinking about ways to save money and I started to write with the idea of just jotting out a list of things to cut back on and instead I found myself dialoguing, with myself, about the matter, since I haven't written anything else lately blog readers this is all you're getting from me right now. Enjoy!

 I need to think of ways to save money. Up until now I have been trying to think to ways to make money, but I think unless I can also cut some corners then whatever I make maybe won't make a big enough diffrence if that extra money is going to be spent right away. 

In regards to food, I don't want to necessarily spend less for products. There are some items that I could purchase the no name brand of but I think I would rather buy better quality products. Where we could  save money however is on buying less prepackaged meals and more raw materials and making meals from scratch. 
Another food factor is eating out Nolan and I have already discussed eating out less. I think that fast food restaurants are probably our biggest problem. It isn't that we eat out at fast food restaurants a lot but they sneak their way in and it doesn't feel like we're going out to eat. Because it's not a fancy place I don't feel as though it should count as eating out, but despite how I feel it is still more expensive than eating at home. Much more expensive!
Then there is snacks. This is even more a useless area of spending than eating out, rather than spending more money than need be  on a necessesity we're spending lots of money onsomething completely unnessesary. Something unhealthy. By no means does this I condemn delicious snacks, I love chocolate too much. What I mean to do is reevaluate how often I need it. And if I ate it less I might just savour it more when I do have it.
I guess the next bigger thing I spend money on is clothes. I have actually cut back on my clothing budget in the last few years. How I use to shop is I'd hit all of the sale racks and buy lots of clothes at super discounted prices. I got got a lot of good deals, however I would end up still spending a lot on clothes and my super discounts would either wear out within a season or two or (more likely) I would quickly grow bored with them and they'd end up in the give away pile. So I have actually spending more on each individual price of clothing, but I have been buying less and more enduring clothing. Which may equal out now in regards of cost but n the ling run I believe ( I hope) will save me more. But this really is just growing up and thinking responsibly rather than just a method of saving money. This is a movement that has been slowly maturing in me since the time that ideas of where and how our clothes are made as well combating the attitudes of our disposable society's bad habits. However today I am writing about saving money, so I will resist running down a rabbit trail ( I'll save that for another day).
Besides that two other things that has occurred to me in regards of saving money on clothes is that I need to work harder to find clothes that I like at places like the Sally Anne and value village. I sometimes find it hard  at value village where they charge way too much for used clothing and hard everywhere else because the clothes are ugly. You often can find a gem but often I am too lazy to go treasure hunting.
Ok so this is as far as ibhave gotten and I am now bored of thinking about how to save money. Besides I think food and clothing are the largest areas of spending that I can change. I do spend a lot of money on wool and knitting accessories, but we all know that is just not going to change. In fact I'm hoping that I can spend more on those things in hopes of making money. I told you about the possibility of teaching knitting classes and I have also been thinking about trying to knit enough items to set up a table at the Vineyard's next art and craft show (which has quite the collection of talented artists and craftspeople, it is quite the elite affair ;D). The hope would be to make enogh of a profit to finance a knitting machine which would keep my knitting business rolling and really be the only way that I could continue to make a profit rather than just a hobbiest. 
On that note I've been trying to think of a good name for a knitting blog that I would use as a central hub on info for classes products and shows I'll be attending, suggestions are welcome.    

for the love of knitting

since the time of my childhood I have loved to knit. And sporadically I have been able to make money doing it. But the contemplation of trying to make a living in the world of knitting never lasted long as it is an incredibly difficult endeavor. I would have to have the makings of Debbie Bliss or Suss Cousin (who knit all of the sweaters for 'The Grinch Who Stole Christmas'). While I may bot be of the knitting magnitude of these needle heroes I have been excited lately at the thought of making knitting my part time job.
I realized after my hippie church had a craft sale last November that I may have found the right community to market my skills, as not only do the people who frequent our neighbourhood love a good natural fibre-like a lucious alpaca yarn or a hardy lambs wool-but also they appreciate the quality (thus are willing to pay an appropiate price). I guess the other factor that I didn't realize years ago may have had something to do with my location is the sheer population. There is definately a larger market when you move from the Hamlet of Kerwood to the city of Winnipeg.
So. I had thought that I would perhaps start knitting some things and build up a collection of items for the next time we put on the craft sale. I wasn't in the mindset that I was going to make a lot of money, more like a Christmas bonus. That I'd give to myself. I'd knit some winter items like mittens and socks, some Christmas things (because everyone lives a hand knit Christmas stocking) and a lot of baby clothes (people really like hand knit baby things).
While I was getting exciting for this small venture, a friend of mine came along to nurture this inspiration into a much larger idea. I went out for tea and a trip to one of Winnipeg's fine wool shops with a fellow lover of the needle arts a few weeks ago and while we were browsing for wool we noticed a brochure advertising knitting classes. We faintly pondered upon taking a class together for fun as we left, but then she turned to me and proclaimed that I should be teaching classes instead of taking them. She began to get excited at the idea (which is one of the parts of her personality I absolutely adore, she gets just as excited at good ideas for other people as she would if they were for herself), she began to talk about how I could make money doing this and wouldn't be terribly stressful since it's just ladies (and maybe some men) getting together to do a leisurely activity. The idea latched itself inky brain and I began to feel nervous and excited; I've taught people to knit before but never a group, could I really make money at this?
I think I have to decided to give it a try. See if I can make this work.
I hope I can.

Having a two month old kitten is akin to a two year old child. I could list all kinds of cute analagies but it comes down to two things: energy and legs.
I work as a youth care worker and one morning I took my cat, Whiskey Jack, to work. It was a Sunday morning and as any normal teenager my client slept in as long as they could. It is in moments like those that I usually attempt to catch up on some educatonal reading and enjoy the peace and quiet. However - And you knew there would be a however- I spent the entire day chasing my cat out of places he wasn't supposed to be and defending myself from his energetic attacks. While your ordinary adult cat would thwart your attempts to read by climbing directly onto your book, my wonderful toddler would instead chomp on my hands.
By the end of my shift I was exhausted, and my client had been awake for less than two hours of my shift. Although I hope that biting is not how true toddlers choose to spend their energy.
  

In a desperate effort to get myself back to the place I once was. To get back, as Paul McCartney once wrote, to where I once belonged. I have promised this so many times over the past years. Promised myself, promised others and constantly feel guilty over the fact that the physical setbacks I have been experiencing have kept me from this. My TMJ has slowly taken all of my energy and left me feeling that working fulltime takes everything out of me. No amount of sleep seems to be enough and leaves me sluggish and disorientated. Others may not notice it , except people like Nolan who sees me everyday and has known me since before this began, however I see it, I feel it. I have a hard enough time trying to remember all of the details of my job and life, I feel as though it is impossible to keep up with basic day to day things. Likewise the bigger picture parts of my life have become a muddling mess. While it use to be second nature to me to critically ponder all aspects of life- even to an infuriating degree- now my brain cannot be bothered to think beyond the immediate. And I am inflicted with an overwhelming feeling of insignificance that affects my ability to pour out whatever straggling thouhts remain in my sloth-ridden mind. Any time I begin to write I am immediately met with questions of why. Why I am I writing this, where are guess thoughts leading to and what makes me think that they are of any consequence. Nagging questions of worth halt any desperate attempts of moving forward with what once came a little more naturally to me. While I know that this too is a product of what my body is experiencing- lack of proper sleep wears down not only a persons immune system but also with a persons fortitude against personal issues, it creates the perfect opportunity for doubt.
Lately I have begun to fear that even when this long procedure of fixing my jaw is over some of these unwanted aspects that have become part of my life may not take their leave. I fear that though I legitimately suffer through the things I have just described I use it as an excuse for laziness. I fear that things I feel are out of my co trol now will nit change later when they are in my control. It leaves me feeling desperate to do something. The fighter in me doesn't want to let the things that I love slip away. Unfortunately I have had to learn that sometimes I must accept my circumstances do what I can to survive through the storm. And as this message made it's way from my head to my heart I finally accepted that perhaps at this point in my life I may have nothing to say, but I am going to say nothing anyhow.
I hope this time that my determination to keep writing will stick and that some my nothing will steer back into something. I hope my Determination will continue to look like it does right at this moment (I am currently plunking thus entire post out on my iPod touch since my computer has died due to the mysterious destruction of it's power cord).
And even though I only have one reader left( and even she has probably given up checking my blog regularily) I will continue to post away with nothing. So Char I hope you look forward to a lot of narrative a about my cat and complaints concerning Winnipeg winters.

worth your salt by aquapell

After a year and a half of fundraising, Nolan has finally begun on the adventure we've been preparing for. As we've been working toward this goal the people who have been cheering us on have been praying for and talking about my being a good support for Nolan. Lately this has been leaving me feeling a little more like my husbands lackey than a co-conspirator is our life scheme, at least in the eyes of others. Granted my own fears of being stuck in a place of ensuring whatever lackings in out family income is supplemented is most likely playing up the views I fear are coming from others.
The supportive role has been commonly played by the wife in situations like mine and Nolan's in the past and there has been nothing wrong with this kind of set up, so it would be natural to assume that I would play this part. However my own heart constantly feels a dissatisfaction with working a perfectly agreeable job. My heart crys out for more than a good paying job with the security of benefits and the possibility of promotion and it refuses to become comfortable in a place that it doesn't belong. While I'm hanging in the inbetween of knowing it craves something more but is uncertain of how to go about it or where to find it, doubts creep in. Whatever ideas that are populated in my mind, doubt encrouches upon them with it shroud of impossibility. I feel like I keep waiting for something to break loose, but wonder if I am not capable of the the things I feel inclined to do. If, perhaps, God has not intended to grace me with the tasks I believe I am to take up.
While I may have to wait for my character to be revealed, while God may need to build up the story before the reader (or the character herself) can begin to see the true potential. In the mean time I do not believe I am to patiently wait for some magic moment, I am meant to struggle. And my hope in sharing this is that I may of shake off some of my inhibitions.

planting a tree by radi-ix

enviruality
        part two

In my early years of my post-secondary education I was introduced to the hot topic of Fair Trade. As a a wide eyed freshman and a person who is easily convicted I immediately felt the weight of my sweat shop shoes and wrongfully cheap coffee. I went home for summer vacation bound and determined to become exclusively slave-labour free and discovered that finding a pair of shoes that is not made in China, Indonesia or Bangladesh was not an easy task. As I peered into and under every object I considered buying my family began to cast wondering glances at each other over this new obsession with where things are made. You could imagine what a pain in the ass I would have been to shop with to someone who had never been faced with the question of where something was made when I immediately dismissed everything I looked based on one piece of criteria. And I mean
everything. At that time without researching for and shopping in speciality shops there was very little in our massive North American market that was not outsourced to a Third world Country.
Six years later shops like Ten Thousand Villages have grown in popularity and Coffee bears Fair Trade logos like a badge of honor. Those who are willing to step up to the challenge of paying more for their coffee and clothes, those who are willing to produce it at a fair price to everyone involved are to be applauded. And yet most
of the public hears the morality of Fair Trade preached from the their coffee shop barrista rather than from the pulpit. While many Christians made great efforts to improve this situation and educate others concerning it, the issue has hardly made it out of Bible Colleges and enclaves of hippie Christians.
Fair Trade and becoming environmentally friendly are issues that seem to be for Christians bearing the same course. While Fair trade may be easier to connect to the Evangelical mindset, both issues have everything to do with Christianity.God made Adam and appointed him as caretaker over creation, even to the point of handing over the responsibility of naming all the fauna and flora. And though Eve was created second, there is no indication of her being less human, only differing in her role. Unless that responsibility ended with Adam when he was booted out of paradise, unless God intended the earth to go to all hell after the life of one man, I think that what was given to man in the beginning was intended for all of mankind. Although the fall from paradise bore a grimmer outlook to the bounty and splendour
of the earth that surrounds us we are no less responsible for the upkeep of the home God gave us and care no less for those of us who dwell in it.
While I have no disagreement that the great Commandment and the great Commission are the life blood tenets that drives the Christian faith. But it seems that we have a few of our ideals at odds when we pride ourselves as God's representatives yet disregard his creation. By saying we are Christians We are saying we love God, yet we do not take care of the home that He has given us. We are saying that we love our neighbour, yet we slight others by contributing to unfair wages and unfair working
conditions.
These things are not a seperate agenda from Christian beliefs. While I respect those who have been the catalyst for the and awareness of these problems the change they have brought about I would like to berate North American Christians for not being on the forefront of these issues. As I said before many Christians have been essential to
spreading awareness of fair trade and people like Rob Bell connect the importance of
taking care of our earth with Christian concerns. But once again, these thoughts and ideals are localized and not wide spread throughout our churches. There was a time
when Christians were identified with innovation and original thought in areas spiritual and earthly, now it seems we are barely keeping up with issues that clearly
pertain to our beliefs.

on the other side by gilad

enviruality

         part one

Earth Day came but once a year. At least it used to in elementary school. The older classes would put on a play about becoming more earth friendly and more than once we were all subjected to earth propaganda films starring Candace Bergren and some other maybe known actors to emphasize to children the dire need to care about the ozone layer and global warming. For our generation reduce, reuse, recycle replaced the rhymes taught to our parents of reading writing and arithmetic. While we still learned to dot our i's and the multiplication table we were also taught to separate the reusable materials and the food waste from the 'garbage'. At home on tv the muppets taught us that we should turn the lights off when we're not using them with government sponsored commercials. And as the children from the beginning days of these earth-forming ideals grow into free thinking adulthood they're thinking they can take it a step further.
Growing green has grown bigger than recycling what you use, it's grown bigger than public television commercials and a single day of kids dressed up as globes and hunks of trash. We have television networks devoted to earth friendly shows, trash cans on the sidewalk are now divvied up into the appropriate recycling bins, and consumers are urged to do away with disposable plastic bags. Turning the light off is ok, but a light with the energy saving light bulbs is better. And energy saving light bulbs are the least that you can do; why save money on your electricity bill by screwing those twisted light tubes into your fixtures when you could make money by installing solar panels on your property.
As becoming one with earth replaces just being nice to it, we as Christians seemed to be faced with whether or not this is a concern that we should take a stand on. Although it is satisfyingly easy to take a stand on something that is not only politically popular (a politically correct belief that is fadishly popular- it's not just something "most" people believe but also makes you look cooler if you're carrying a Lulu Lemon recycled, reusable bag), it is beginning to be discussed as to what kind of priority should being earth friendly take.
A few years ago I read a book called the Velvet Elvis.... well most of it.... ok at least half of it with a young adults group at a church I was going to. Velvet Elvis, written by Rob Bell, from what I remember is a book Bell wrote to look beyond past conceptions of what Christianity meant when living it out in real life.
(I'm going to pause here to tell you that I didn't read the whole book because I didn't like it. Rob Bell seems like a cool guy and he's a good writer, but since much of what he wrote wasn't new to me I usually ended up skipping through most of the chapters. And now I'll pause here to tell you that I'm not being cocky, my education just happened to cover those kinds of topics, most of you know more about calculus than I do because I never took it.) In case anyone has never read a book with a group of Christians, where as "book clubs" will read an entire book and discuss, a bible study group will take it chapter by chapter. One week came upon a chapter that broached Environmentalism and it seemed from the discussion that some of the group were surprised by its inclusion.
Environmentalism is a word which has in the past been reserved for hippies and extremists. It's a word for green peace, for people who tie themselves to trees, sit in front of bulldozers and eat tofu. And while many of these people have been admired for their efforts of making the world a better place they are also regarded as oddities and upholders of issues that lacked any relevance to real life. Like so many things that began with those who were willing to live out on a limb Environmentalism has shed away it's original connotations and like Rob Bell decided to repaint the picture of Christianity it has also been repainted. And while many people in that young adult group had grown up with the same earth friendly manner I had it was still surprising to some to conceive the word Environmentalism in the same topic of discussion as Christianity. Christianity has (and perhaps this is an evangelical viewpoint or maybe just that missionary mindset that pulses through Briercrest education) two main concerns. You know what they are. The Great Commandment and The Great Commission. Evangelicals have for the most part focused on the person or more specifically on their soul. It is only in recent history that we have widened our scopes; we realized that caring for the person is not divided up neatly, the human is a whole package of distressed spirit and waning body. If the rich in spirit can care for the soul why cannot the rich in resources care for the stomach? So we fill the hungry tummies, send them our doctors and nurses and build them proper homes. To our own and to others we share in a old testament type way until someone finally steps back and says 'what are we sadists? We give them what they need and then either leave them in self loathing for not being able to support themselves or leave them suffering because we can't afford to support us both'. And we begin to think about giving them the means to do for themselves what had been doing for them.
And now that environmentalism has shed away its old tye-dyed shirt and it's hemp pants.... and now that cool people like David Suzuki are willing to make commercials (apparantly Murphy Brown's earth-friendly school video wasn't enough for us) Christians are starting to say... wait didn't God tell us to take care of the earth?...

much farther to go

I graduated almost one year ago.
I have had my hands full for so many years. Now as life begins to resemble a kind of regularity-as the stress from the hectic life behind me merely begins to unravel-I am left feeling a little lost. And also left to think about how exactly it is that I got to this point. I spent a lot time wholly concerned with what I need to do to reach the end and then after "the end" had come I was already being launched into another new stage of life. I know that life is always moving, changing. That is full of things to look forward to and goals to meet. But seeing my juggling act of educational career and working to pay the bills finally come to an end and immediately stepping into marriage and bringing together all the loose ties (aka. personal documentation and belongings in multiple provinces) into a new home.
Now that I am here, a married winnipegger with a few more degrees, as I look behind I find that it looks almost as indistinct as trying to see what lays ahead. There are some people who can remember every detail of their past but I find that the further I get from a moment the blurrier it becomes in mind, as though I am literally moving away from that point. There are some things I remember, pivotal moments in my life and bits and pieces of memory of things past linger, but many of things behind me fade away. As I said before I have been thinking about how it is I have gotten to this point, pondering on what I remember of days past and wondering about the actions and decisions that have brought me to the present. I know I am one strange bird. Even as I think about what I can remember there is much that causes me to scratch my head in wonder. Often I think about myself and feel as though I am thinking of a stranger. Some would shrug their shoulders and say that this is merely growing up; it is maturing. But many mature and do not feel alienated from their younger selves. Many mature and barely change from their younger selves. However there are many who may relate these feelings to something the Apostle Paul once wrote in a letter. He enlightened to his readers that those who choose to follow Christ, who reconcile their souls to God, become a new person and the old life they used to lead shed away like the discarded skin of an animal. Often when Paul's words are considered they are thought of with a sense of immediacy, as though the change is instantaneous. And for most there is an immediate change, but if there is one thing humanity has learnt as it has matured it is that despite the pivotal moments in our lives, in our history, the greatest change always occurs over a great deal of time. C.S. Lewis painted a picture of the journey of the soul which connects these thoughts in his book The Great Divorce. He describes how when a soul comes to the point of accepting heaven, even after reaching the gates of eternity, there is progress. Though a soul enters into heaven and perfection they learn and change. No modern person would deny that life is a progression; that idea, it is the very idea of linear time progression, beats in our minds as our hearts beat in our chest. And C.S. Lewis did not restrict his progress of the soul to the realm of heaven, rather it is an extension of what is already begun while we live on earth. And just like the pivotal moments in our life here death is a turning point in our journey and then we continue on.
I said I was left wondering how I came to be at this point, but I began with stating that there is a slight feeling of being lost. All that I had been aiming to achieve for 6 years had been accomplished, with a few unexpected 'accomplishments' as well, and it has come to that point of "what now?" "Get a job" is what we are told responsible young college graduates are to do, that is the next step in life. I think most of you reading this, knowing me, will know and understand that "what now" is bigger than the modern ideal of getting a good education so that we can get good jobs so that we can be secure and buy good houses and cars, etc. It is more of which direction, and how, my soul is progressing. Nolan and I are looking ahead to working with the youth here in the North End of Winnipeg. My heart loves possibilities and is passionate for all sorts of things; I find it easy to dream about what could be next. what now for me hopes that God will give me some post-graduate direction.

the bridge between mind and matter by gilad

the bridge between mind and matter

I feel like the all the elements in my life are coming together to thwart my attempts to write.

This may seem like an exaggeration, but you're probably not surprised since I've always been a conspiracy theorist on non-consequential matters. It is although technology and small pieces of plastic have been banding together to play a practical joke that just isn't funny.

I sit down on the computer and if more than one window-internet browser or otherwise-is open it suddenly feels as sluggish as my grandfather after a potluck dinner on a hot summers day. And pens! Every one I pick up is conspicuously out of ink! And time plays tricks on me. I think now that I don't have to unpack boxes, switch legal documents over to new names and new provinces all after I'm done working a full day that I should have a few more minutes to write a few thoughts out. No! No time at all!
Of course the fact that my computer is ancient and bogged down, that I haven't bought new pens in about 2 years and that I spent a little too long watching tv last night (it's a bit of a novelty right now since I haven't had tv since I lived at home) mean absolutely nothing.

Now that I'm done ranting mostly to myself about my inability to bring myself to do what I want to do, I'll reflect more seriously.
It's been hard to write since I graduated. In fact I didn't write much in my last year at school either. I was burnt out and struggled to do the things required of me. There was nothing left for extra-curricular.
But since the last paper that I handed in just under a year ago thinking creatively, thinking at all, has ceased. I've been urging myself, even taking my journal and a pen in hand, telling myself not to let the tiredness to take away what I enjoyed. For awhile nothing came; nothing outside of daily thoughts. Here and there thoughts have come to me, ideas, plots and some ponderings. Once I'm done writing in my journal or before I can come to the computer to type it out languish creeps in-somehow it all seems not only unoriginal but more predominantly it all seems inconsequential, as though nothing that I think matters anymore- and the life of my thoughts slides away.
I have told myself that these past few years have been hard and I need some time to rest and its probably true. But small fears of slipping into laziness or those condemnations I've heard people say about "real life" (why is it that when people talk about real life or responsibilities is usually lacks life and sounds more about making ourselves comfortable and secure in material concerns?) taking over urge me not to let go of what I love, not to let it fade away.
So, I hope to have both, to rest and also to write. Since writing has always been a refuge for me this should not be a stretch. Nolan is a great encourager and has broached the idea of setting aside time that is meant for me to write. Where is the resting in this idea, I am not going to push myself to come up with anything great, in fact I may purposely write crap. And look I've already started! What I'm saying here is not a new idea, it's just where I am. The point is to allow myself the space so that when my mind and soul are ready they'll be able to say something that maybe isn't unoriginal or completely insignificant.

I just found this post from 6 months ago, thought I would post it now while I work on another:

Have you ever looked back on a situation and wondered how it worked out the way it did, or why you reacted the way you did?
I'm a firm believer that life is not random and that-at least in my life-most things that have either happened because of something, or because it is leading to something, and sometimes both. Granted I can't explain everything in my life, there have been a number of instances I know have something more to them but I don't understand. And then there are even more things I just don't understand.

I'm getting married next week and amongst the amazing bustle of it all and the unfathomable amount of tiny details I wonder how it is that I managed to come to be marrying this man. I look back and see a strange dance that brought me to this beautiful moment and though there was a great deal of painful or frustrating situations, I wouldn't chance changing a single detail if it altered what God has given me in this moment.

People have said it before. You've heard it in those chick-flicks and Disney cartoons, the cheesy line about how one person wouldn't change a single thing in their life if it meant never having known whoever it is they're in love with... or if they were given the choice they'd do it all again just to be with them.

But I'd like to move beyond my cheesiness (truly it is my medium, not my message, at least right here) and focus on the curiosity of outcomes. How strange it is that there are so many instances when if you had reacted or decided differently-and it could've been plausible for you to do so- that might have changed what is now happening in your life. Or perhaps not, perhaps one's maturity and circumstance governed the decisions they have made, which is not to cut God out of the equation, He chooses when to teach enlighten His children.

So I suppose this could boil down to the same old philosophy argument about fate or destiny, or as Christians see it the struggle between God's plan and man's choice, that I (and many others) have repositioned in daily experience.

til the morning after
by aquapell

Strange how the some of the best things come in the darkest times of your life. You bear through with a full knowledge that everything is not well. Even despite a spark of optimism (whether somewhere within you or an outside contribution) proclaiming that good things can come from the trials we endure something other occurs within it all. Something that even if you had been given the opportunity to find some way around what you are (or had) gone through, you might have given up the great life lessons but you endure it all again for that one thing that came of being in that place. I think most of us have been in that place, I know I've been there more than once.

I feel like I have been hovering around a comatose state of my soul and mind. I know I am there but I feel like I am asleep, reverting to basic life motions until that allow me survive through to the end. And as the end steadily moves into the present there seems to be the smallest beginnings of awakening. Like the deep sigh that comes when we see that spring is finally breaking the bounds that winter has held is the sigh in my heart. However, the flourishing of revitalization is only being approached, the end is only in sight, not actually here. Soon. And one can only hope that when a new phase of life has burst forth, though endured for that one cherished element, all the great things encountered come to fruition.
And that cherished element can be enjoyed as fully as he was appreciated in darker hours.

something better & something lost

Someone once asked me if I could wish for three things what would it be? Not a difficult question, there is no tree falling in the woods or one hand clapping, it is the kind of thing people ask each other for conversation sake all the time. At that time I think I responded with my student debt paid off, a car, and the third thing escapes me. But reflecting on those two parts of my answer the heart of what I was asking for was freedom. I was asked by a co-worker at the college cafeteria that I worked for, and I was sort of stuck there. There aren’t many places to work in a village that exists because of the Bible College that is there, but I did good considering the options I had. Though I managed to obtain a pretty good job, I was still stuck. With some student debt racked up and no way of getting anywhere to get a better job I suppose I felt trapped. However, the questioner did not see this in my answer; he merely shot back as soon as I responded, “So you wouldn’t cure cancer?” He thought he was being smart and witty, and left right away to let his savvy answer sink in. But I stood there a moment and after thinking about it I said to my self—since there was no one else to talk to—“no, no I wouldn’t”

This probably seems cold hearted to some. Selfish to others. But it seems to me that after considering humanity through history, curing cancer, one of the most insidious diseases we battle with, wouldn’t be that much of a feat. We have cured many debilitating diseases before it, and even if we did cure it, something else would kill us. If it isn’t cancer, it could be the avian bird flu, maybe even SARS. I respect the medical profession, rely on it; I admire man’s ability to treat, control and fight diseases like cancer. And I think that missionaries might be better met if our culture could share more of its medical knowledge. But wishing away a problem like cancer seems more like wishing to live forever. I guess the question that I would be getting at here is would curing something as invasive as cancer make life better or just make life different?

And if we did make life better, physically, would it be better in every respect? Humanity over thousands of years has spent attempting to perfect and improve all aspects of humanity, and we weren’t always making forward steps. Through this process one idea has arisen; if we attempt to perfect something do we perhaps lose something greater? The same question applies to curing cancer, or curing any such crippling disease, if we achieve bodily perfection would we lose something else? Would we lose all of the good things we have seen, and even more of the good things we have never even realized by making everything perfect as we see it?

My student loans are greater now, but I do have a car. And I think if I was asked again I’d still like them to be paid off. If money had been no object, however, I wouldn’t have changed much of what I did. I would have done it with less stress since I wouldn’t have had to work through school (but that same conclusion still stands, would something else have been lost). But I cannot see the course of humanity, my belief in God leads me to a belief in the fate of humanity, but I am not so pompous to believe that I know how we will get there. My belief in God also leads me to believe that He sees the big picture. And since He sees this I would trust what He presses on my heart to do. It occurs to me that perhaps I’m benefiting humanity more by following Him where he asks me to go than by solving the problems I think need to be fixed. If you don’t believe in God, than this could just seem like a cop-out answer, that I’m just doing what is in my heart just like everyone else and calling it God. Perhaps, that is a discussion for another time. The question that still remains is how do you know that what you’re wishing for is truly a benefit? Perhaps one person being freed of debt could be of greater profit to humanity than curing disease.

nicht wuerdig by astormcrow

'not worthy'

I'm sitting at my computer, I have been most of the day, occasionally interrupted by wandering, walking, washing and a nap. There is something depressing about spending the entire day by yourself trying to motivate yourself to work on something that isn't immanently due, and having nothing at the end of the day to look forward to. My roommate is gone, she was only here for an hour or so, and I was working on this blasted paper. My fiance is far away building houses. I can't find Laila's number so we can hang out. I talked to my Dad for a bit, but nothing is new, so there's nothing to talk about except the cost of fixing one's car and the snow.

I'm writing my 'positional paper', which is what every Bachelor of Arts graduate must write in order for Briercrest to allow you to officially graduate. While it is fantastic that I'm writing it, it means the end is in sight, I'm so tired, worn out, and bored with homework that it's hard to focus on summarizing the nature of God and the identity and work Christ into a hundred words or less, with Scriptural backing...But as I said, the end of my schooling is in sight, and that is a relief. I've enjoyed most of my time at Briercrest. And even the times I didn't enjoy I know were crucially important for learning.

When I was in elementary school I used to do cross country running. Every one of you probably has heard me refer to myself as athletically challenged, I wasn't anymore athletic then than I am now, although I probably had more stamina then. I'm not exactly sure why I kept doing it every year, it could be because my sibling were all athletic. I wanted to live up to that standard and cross country running was the only thing that didn't require tryouts. I usually started off well, feeling pretty good just for being there and trying, but it never lasted long, I usually became exhausted pretty quickly and always came in with the last slaggers at the end.

I seem to have a little more perseverance when it comes to handling stress or juggling things (such as a lot of hours at work and courses with high expectations and work loads), but I'm beginning to feel kind of like I did when I was running those races. There came a point when I grew tired, and came to end of what seemed a unending perseverance. Every person has a breaking point; I've come to that point before and I came to find it again recently, but just as before God has raised me and given me enough to make to the end. And though last summer I looked forward to graduation as freeing me to adventure the world on my own, God knew I'd need something more to get me through the year, and gave me something to look forward to when I was done.

Now if I could only keep in mind that I am incredibly privileged and undeserving of all that God has handed me. That I only have 3 more months to get through what he asked me to come here for, and that He is faithful to carry me through what we began, I might be able to get through these last few papers.

know hope by gilad
It's when you feel there is no hope,
That you should really dig in,
And know hope