the past
by Aein

So I'm in the middle of writing one of the most difficult papers I will have to compile while here at Briercrest, and I decided that I'd like to poll the audience.... A question that comes up every so often in conversation is:

which is worse, a paper or an exam... ?

so the question for you all is, would you rather write a paper, requiring some research and constructing well supported arguments, or would you rather take an exam, requiring some studying and being able to remember facts and/or concepts.... and why....

two pages, double spaced, please refrain from using the first person, ok I'm just kidding.... paper or exam, choose your poison...

"Requiem of a Dream"

I've been battling the concept of accepting more traditional means of acquiring knowledge (and what exactly tradition is, because it seems we have a fairly modern idea of tradition) and attempting to step away from individualistic tendencies that have been established in me.

One of my friends, who is seen (by his self as well as others) as very traditional (him being a mennonite it's very easy to attain that characteristic), put forth the argument that we shouldn't step away from, or be counter-cultural to, our society (I unfortunately don't remember what his argument was for that... if he had one). It seems to me though that there is a definate need to break away from Individualistic mindsets which are so deeply rooted in everything that our society stands for. So I don't understand how we could possibly break away from the mindset and hold onto to our society when all it stands for is that mindset... It also stikes me as odd that someone who holds characteristics of being traditional is one of the most vocal persons on not being counter-cultural...

Moving on, it is apparant that there is this very modern, individualistic mindset that has engulfed North American society, and we view our other option as tradition. But... the thing that I get stuck on is 'what is tradition??' I have this debate about our sense of tradition that has some difficulty of finding a solution (hopefully y'all can help me with this). Many times when I hear tradition being talked about (and this includes class discussions/presentations that I have observed) it comes across as a shallow 'just because' form of reasoning. And how do we know the traditions that we are leaning on are truly good... especially when it seems that we're leaning on practices or thought that didn't become the tradition until 100-200 years ago... Not every tradition that has been established over time has been a good thing. Many times when I hear tradition talked about it comes across as something we should just accept and that thinking is some evil force that destroys all the goodness of tradition. When tradition is put up against the modern force of individualism people condemn those who would think for themselves... who says tradition has to mean dumbly follow any pracitce established over time, whether it have meaning and depth or is a hollow just because we've always done this??

I think now is a good time for an example (yay verbal visuals!!). Being at Bridal Quest the subject of engagment rings happens to come up every so often (like every too often) . I have one friend that just can't understand why I didn't want a diamond in my engagement ring ( he also couldn't understand why I didn't really care so much about getting an engagement ring at all... a twist tie would make me happy if I knew that that man wanted to marry me... anyhow). I'm pretty sure he's still under the misconception that the only reason for acting counter-cultural to the norm of engagement behaviour is because I just wanted to act against 'tradition.' I don't hate tradition, I in fact have a deep love and appreciation for well established practices that have a meaning (notice the key words, well and meaning... ok, ok, I know my readers are genius' I'll stop pointing out the obvious). What I hate are shallow (materialistic...??) and meaningless tradition.

Let's evaluate the tradition of engagement rings... here is a link to circa 1930's (click on circa) with their explanation of engagement rings (I can't verify that it's the honest truth... but I do love the phrase "a time-honored tradition, dating back to ancient times"... such a sense of history... heh heh... cracks me up). Anyhow they note that diamonds didn't show up in engagement rings until very end of the 15th century, but at that point it was only for the royalty and really wealthy. In our society, for the more common folk, the huge tradition of diamond engagement rings didn't really catch on until DeBeers put out a huge campaign...(I can't quite pinpoint when they started their engagement ring campaign, but here is a link to their timeline, it points out the same date for the emergence of diamonds in engagement rings and notes that DeBeer's became a company in 1888) which would partially explain why diamonds have been used for engagement rings in recent days. Now do we really think they did this to bring depth to the marriage process, because buying her something sparkly will ensure that she won't run off with some other guy (well if it's a really big sparkly maybe...). I think most of us know how the business world works and if anything they use our sentiments against us to make them money. And I think for a lot of girls these days we come to take getting a diamond (or some other expensive rock) for granted, and most conversations have little reference to symbolism of an engagement ring and more to do with their preference of size and style. Where is our sense of tradition there? A twist tie is probably be more equal with the tradition of a simple iron hoop from the early Roman times than our sparkly rocks.

What might have started off as a well established practice really has turned into cold materialism... and when we think of tradition all we can think of is diamond, because that's the only tradition our modern minds are aware of... but that is just one example of our modern sense of tradition.

Moving on, Char left a quote on my last post from Oswald Chambers, "Stop listening to the tyranny of your individuality and get emancipated out into personality." I love it. We cannot help being influenced by something, (I'm sorry I think I'm repeating myself from other posts...) but instead of thinking we are making ourselves and being pushed around by influences we refuse to recognize will (thank you Oswald) become a tyranny over us. Our ideas of an individual 'creating' himself (thank you existentialism...ugh) a crock, a lie to ourselves that only destroys us. But to blindly follow traditions seems also destructive (could you imagine if we were still sacrificing animals... because it's tradition...). We humans have a grand way of screwing up good things, by holding too tightly to the practice of a tradition, we loose the heart of the tradition.

(Conclusion time...) Maybe it's just me, but I think that if a tradition is established on a solid truth, if it is done in Spirit and truth, than no amount of thinking will ever change it. The truth, is the truth, and that's the truth... or to put it more eloquently, "All truth is God's truth" (aaah... can't remember the guy...). If we honestly are willing to let truth prevail, willing to admit our minds are susceptable to false thinking, than wouldn't questioning, or thinking for ourselves only cause us to realize the depth of that already well established tradition and appreciate it? I suppose that's where the problem comes in, we have difficulty knowing what God's truth is, and regress into allowing personal preference affect what we would choose to stand as the truth... hmmmm, ok people... gimmie some feedback, bwa ha haa

It's official folks, I am an ass. I've been caught in the web of my own foolishness once again, and God has been faithful to save me (and others) from myself.

It turns out God has a lot to teach me about humility (I know this is a shock...) and breaking down how I see the world through human perceptions. In the midst of a conversation with a friend a few days ago I asked him if maybe we all just need to stop assesing the world through our own abilities to percieve things and look to what God would show us; wondered where we'd be then. It now occurs to me that if we'd only listen to ourselves for half a moment we'd probably be a whole lot wiser for the wear, at least I would.

Have you ever noticed that a person who is irritated by a downfall or vice is often guilty of that exact vice... yeha, me, right here, I get so irritated by people who try to slot me into a category or peg who I am, and all the while I've been pegging others around me without even realizing it. (Somedays I feel like such a retard, but I guess that's to be expected when you've realize you're being dumb) I've been doing this, trying to asses the world and all that is in it by my own faulty perceptions, when God would rather me just to stop and humbly wait for him to show me what I need to see. Maybe I'll be more patience with those who peg me now... besides it really doesn't matter what they think of me seeing as it's God who is our final judge.

well, on that note, all this makes my mind turn on what Paul was saying in his letter to Timothy, that "The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners--of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen."

Since Paul already self claimed the title of being the worst of sinners all that is left for me to take is the queen of fools (or the biggest of jerkfaces...). But like Paul I am thankful that He is gracious and merciful, not only so, but also that he has blessed me with friends that have shown that grace and mercy; in this I have truly been shown love. Hopefully also like Paul I can be used for God's great good.

And also, my friend Chan headed back to California this evening... I'm going to miss her, she has one of the sweetest hearts I think I've ever met, but I am so very glad that she is taking the courage to follow what she believes God wants her to do. Chan, I know you're going to read this so, I want you to know that I've appreciated the honor of getting to know you, right from the first absurdly early morning I met you.

ok, with all these posts on matters that concern our hearts it is long past due time for a post written on looking into ourselves and taking a long hard look at what exactly this thing is that we constantly refer to. I've actually had these thoughts running through my head for a long while, even have had some of the notes for this written out on my whiteboard for some weeks.

The question that has of late come to my mind is exactly what our hearts are, or rather where our hearts are placed... the two questions sound vastly different, its their answers that make them the same. For if you answer what is the heart? than the answer to where your heart is at shall be answered and vice versa. I can imagine that there are probably a few of you scratching your heads wondering what kind of babble I am speaking. Well if you will allow me to lead you through answering the ponderings in my mind then you will see the questions that I am getting at.

What is this thing called a heart? There is a strange assortment of definitions and connections that this word has attached to it, from the most physical representations such as pink paper shapes and a muscle to the less visible understandings such as our emotions or the gist of an idea. I motion we grab the peak of the iceburg and pull it up in order to expose it's underbelly... we shall start with the physical.

We see it everywhere, mostly in pinks and reds, but it is not restricted by colour these days, two little round parts with a little point. Somehow this has come to represent our hearts and a symbol that is interpreted as love. On valentine's, in notes to our friends even on that crap that is propagated throughout New York City, our hearts have come down to a cartoonish figure that pretty much equals love. But more literally what is a heart? A muscle, a muscle in the centre of our body, that pumps blood (hopefully) soaked in the breath of life to all the parts of our body. If we were to try and reconcile the nonliteral understanding of heart to the most literal, I would say that our heart is the centre of who we are, and that who we are in our heart will be pumped to every part of our existence.

So how does that reconcilation of terms connect to those little paper hearts... well it seems that our society (I cannot speak for all of existence I only know views that infilitrate North America) has taken the thing that represents what is at the very core of who we are and reduced it to nothing but a flimsy peice of coloured paper; it's been reduced down to emotions.

Is that all we are? Is that all we want to be? Is the only thing that is holding us together down in our heart of hearts is how we are feeling? If that is so we have one very shaky foundation, and its no wonder that we have generations of people who constantly ride these rollercoasters that they just can't get off of. I'm fairly certain that how we view our hearts... that is how we view what is at the centre of our lives... will not only change what the things that are in it look like (such as love as feeling vs love as a choice, but what love truly is, is a rant of it's own)... but will also change what is pumped to every inch of your life. That is to say how you will look at life and how you will interact in the world. If emotions are at the centre of your being, than you will act and make decisions based on emotions.

What else is there? What other options do we have?

I personally think we should all become vulcans... but really vulcans have feelings too, they're just repressed... I don't ever recalling repressing anything being such a fantastic idea (just turns out quite ugly in the end). More seriously I think we need to search for something deeper to put at the centre of our lives. Emotions are still there, goodness I couldn't get rid of them if I wanted to, but it 's the focus or centring on emotions that is the problem.

I have a daily devotional book called A Year with C.S. Lewis (who is one of my favorite authors), and yesterdays and todays devotionals were on courage... I really appreciated what he was saying (though I should note I most often appreciate what he has to say) and felt the desire to share with you all a few notes on his thoughts.

Both incerpts are from his book, The Screwtape Letters, a book written from the perspective of a demon in hell.

"He [God] see as well as you do that courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point, which means, at the point of highest reality. A chasity or honesty, or mercy, which yeilds to danger will be chaste or honest or merciful only on conditions. Pilate was merciful until it became risky."

"The point is to keep him from feeling that he has something, other than the Enemy [God] and courage the Enemy supplies, to fall back on, so that what was intended to be a total commitment to duty becomes a honeycombed all through with little unconscious reservations... For remember, the act of cowardice is all that matters; the emotion of fear, in itself, so sin and, though we enjoy it, does us no good."

I encourage you to read the Screwtape Letters if you want a good read that really puts how the devil twists truth and tries to manipulates us into perspective. I also encourage you to check out 'tell me no lies' the poetry blog (the link is under literary links) I just put up a poem from char....

I will have another post very soon, possibly today, cause I think too much. I guess that's why I deemed myself a chronic thinker, there must be some benefit from it... in any case it's not hurting me, at least not in any permenant ways.
ok kiddies, maintain good feet health and trim those toenails cause you never know where those little guys are gonna take you.

Yesterday I went out for lunch at a Thai restaurant with some friends, after we drove around Moose Jaw and found some really cool spots. I really enjoyed their company, just hanging out going on little adventures in Moose Jaw. Although finding really cool hills that over look the river and super old biuldings that are now retirement homes is fun and random, I would have to say the thing that I truly and most deeply enjoyed about these people was the conversation that we had over dinner. One of the major topics is something that crosses my mind from time to time... but it was more than just the topic, it was how open it was, how intimate and deep it was. mmm.. it was very encouraging, and made me smile.

Anyhow, I'm going to share with you about what that major topic was... we were talking about boys and girls and the difficulties of knowing how to approach the whole letting the other person know that you are indeed interested in them. It is one thing that I've had many conversations about, pretty much what I think, and we all somewhat agreed (it was good to know that I wasn't completely off in my thinking), was that there is a careful balance that a girl needs to obtain.

There are two extremes, the one extreme (which I tend to more resemble) is to completely shy away from the person to become introverted around them and not allow yourself to be vulernable. The other extreme is to be flirtatious to point of manipulation and pursual; there is careful flirting, and then there's flirting that manipulates the other persons feelings, attempts to convince that person to like them. I say this is pursual because the girl is indeed chasing after the boy.

So, finding a balance, a girl should not pursue the boy, this isn't a "it isn't proper for a girl to be the pursuer" statement. Just drop the whole what is proper idea, this isn't about social boundaries (which in todays North American society it is actually acceptable for girls to be the initiators, or at least it's frequent) this is about finding the correct role in a relationship. If the girl is pursuing the boy, the whole relationship is off on a bad foot, because the guy is not leading... and if the girl continues to be the leader than it's going to end up being a weak sauce relationship. Or the guy will wake up and realize later that he didn't actually like her, he just thought he liked her because his emotions were manipulated. And then everyone gets hurt.

Ladies, it's an art, not a competition. If you think there might be a mutual interest, if you think you need to let a guy know that there's an interest on your part, you need to find that careful balance between pretending he doesn't exist and pouncing on your prey. There is an inbetween point where you can show interest without being overbearing. If you show nothing you can't be disappointed when he doesn't ask... he needs to know there is some slight chance that you would be interested. Ok he needs some very definate signs that there is a chance. But if you are overbearing than... well... I already explained that.

How do you find that balance? What does it look like? Well I can't give you a method or formula, if it were that easy there probably wouldn't be so much debate over the subject. All I know, is that we need to be aware of our actions and to be careful not to hit either extreme.

One thing that occurred to me when considering this topic was that if the girl makes it too easy for the guy (by being the pursuer) than there is no challenge for that guy to be a man. He risks nothing if she makes it too entirely clear where she stands. If there is no risk, than there is no challenge for him to grow some balls, become a man, and pursue her. And every woman needs a man (Carolyn Dawn Johnson even says so, so there).
And on that note I would like to say, boys are confusing.

hmph, well, that's about it, please give me some thoughts!! INTERACT PEOPLE!! stop leaving me hanging... I love you all by the way and appreciate the fact that you spend time reading my meager thoughts.... but I want to hear yours!!

How to get Jo's look



That's right kiddies, you can get down with the styling's of Jo.
You've noticed everyone around you has caught the fever,
seen those stars flaunt the fashion on tv,
seen the popular girls at school getting down with it,
everyone wants in on the Jo flare!
With these simple step by step instructions you too can acquire the unique Jo look!

Step 1: Stop catering your appearance to others tastes

I was signing into hotmail the other day and the 'hot topic' of the day just happened to catch my eye. Oh don't get me wrong it was as useless and dull as most popular media 'hot topics' usually are, but seeing as I already had the wheels constantly turning on this subject it just happened to spurn me on. I suppose you're wondering what this elusive topic was that got me all fired up... no my blog readers are much too smart to be wondering that, I'm sure you've all picked up on the completely and utterly obvious theme that I've already given... it was "How to get Kiera Knightly's look" You know Kiera Knightly isn't a bad looking gal, I'll admit that, but personally I don't think I want to emulate someone who admitted that she was quite concerned in her last movie that her breasts didn't look large enough (which was conviently fixed by the editing crew). She, like many others, unfortunately cater to what the Western society percieves to be as beautiful... or at least catering to the lustful minds of guys. (at this point I will make note that not every guy is like that, nor is it just a case of girls catering to guys, it goes both ways... but we've got to admit a lot more girls spend time, money and concern trying to make themselves look good... there's nothing wrong with looking good... what I am calling in to question is motives and the heart).
I'm sure a few of you have heard me say this before but we've got a generation of victims of society... There are teenagers out there who are pummeled by mass media being told what looks good, what they should look like, what is normal. These kids are ignorant of the motives that drive the fashion industry, thus making their motives innocent. Stupid, but innocent... They're just trying to fit into the norm that they are told to conform to.
But I'm actually getting off track, I meant this theme to lead into a more different form of catering to tastes, a more specific catering of tastes. I suppose this could also lead back to loosely connect with my thoughts on peacock rituals (refer back to my post on Feb. 15, 2004... actually now that I reread that post its not a loose connection at all... this actually expands on that original observation) Anyhow the more different thing that I am trying to get to is that the unfortunate drive we humans feel in order to attract the opposite sex... the peacock rituals as I've called them before. Now it is inevitable that we will want to make ourselves look extra-special for that super awesome great person that we know. There's nothing wrong with wanting and wishing that person would take notice of you... What saddens me is the level that many people take it to. (I guess I should also note that this happens outside of sexual attraction, it is also an issue of being accepted by people, or idolizing an image; wanting to be the thing that you are dressing/acting like)
"What is this next level Jo?" you ask, well kids, I'm sure you've seen it, I know I'm not some sort of observant genius... I'm usually the least observant person (I'm not dumb, but I space out a lot... space out to Joland of wonderfully deep thought...). Well this too I noted in my age old post, but sometimes people feel the need to deliberately cater to someone elses personal taste. (And because I love visuals I will give you an example) Say Susie has a crush on Johnny here at Briercrest (cause this place seems to be one of the ultimate breeding grounds for stupid behaviour) and finds out that Johnny is an avid fan of skater girls. Susie, most definately is not a skater chick, more of a preppy girl really... so Susie one day, or maybe just every often, starts wearing skater chick clothes. An unfortunate thing about this silly attempt to appeal to someone else is that quite often it is done subconsciously. Not realizing that the reason they suddenly want to dress the way that just happens to appeal to that super awesome great person really is them just appealing to that person... Or to put it outside the context of sexual attraction... Say George has always thought that cowboys always have appeared as the menliest of men (well cmon they don't get any manlier than Clint Eastwood... really) and desires to appear, desires to be a man himself. So what does he do? Well duh, dress like a cowboy.
These people are dressing as something they're not, appearing as something they're not in order to appeal to that person (or in the case that was outside of sexual attraction they're doing this to convince themselves, and everyone else, that they are something they aren't). This creates a false image of who you (turning it away from little Susie and back on ourselves) are, and honestly is slightly manipulative... maybe not intentional, but manipulative none the less.
There are million different questions and thoughts that tie into this or extend from here, but what I want to get to (and I have to tie this up soon because I'm supposed to be studying for my exam of death that is tomorrow...) is that really I want a guy to be able to choose me for qualities other than how well I can cater to his taste (or dress like Kiera Knightly) this doesn't mean that I won't make myself... presentable... (though it has often crossed my mind to shave my head and wear only grubby clothes... but I mean I would like a boyfriend, so doing my best to turn off every guy in the world probably isn't the best approach) but it does mean that I'm going to do my best to not cater to a specific persons tastes in order to make him like me... Of course this can be swung to the other side of pendulum where you go around purposely not dressing anything like the tastes of the super awesome great person. This is also silly. How do we find a balance? I haven't a friggin clue, I just rant about it.
What it comes down to is that you are going to always be influenced by something, you can't really be an individual (and this is coming from someone who stands out like a sore thumb even when she tries to blend in), there really is no such thing.... existentialism is a crock, you're going to be influenced by something. The best thing to do is to accept this and carefully choose your influences instead of falling victim to any old influence that comes around. The first best influence of course being God, following Christ, being shaped by His Word... this by no means will dictate how you dress (despite what some Western Christian subcultures might think) but if you allow God to shape your life, He will make you a more stable person with a solid character. From there we can handle, and choose our other influences more wisely...
Ok I am done... please tell me what you think.... tell me if I'm wrong, tell me if I'm an obnoxious jerk... just talk to me.... studying time.

ok so, my attempts at getting you people talk in my last post failed... that or Char is the only person who reads my blog (which is highly likely). Anyhow, on a more entertaining note, I'm now going to post some pictures... no interaction, you don't need to tell me your thoughts, just you enjoying whatever the heck I feel like exposing you to... (really, I'm not bitter). I do have some posts coming of a more thoughtful nature, I just haven't had a chance to sit down and type them up. So in the meantime, and I really do hope you enjoy these, here are some pictures from life in Caronport (ooh including a pic of me with dreads so y'all can see how it looks... though I think anyone who reads this already has seen it... oh well)

on that note we'll start with that picture...


and if you don't already know what Saskatchewan looks like, here's a little taste of the vast flatness


ok these next few are from various photo safari's my friend Drew and I have gone on, it fun times, and there is actually a number of really cool spots for taking pictures around here.
At the old hanger (Caronport used to be a military air base...)


an artsy photo of the staple food of Free Brygmann


It's me, looking. Looking cute that is...


And the final entry in this oh so fabulous photo extravaganza.... Drew!


that is all for now... until next time kiddies, keep your ears clean and your eyes open.

Our society's individualistic tendecies makes any attempt of breaking a self centered mindset incredibly difficult...

Discuss.

ok I know I'm slacking in the area of posting (though I did just create a poetry blog-- that does count for something right?) Alright, so life right now is blissfully difficult.

yes I said blissfully difficult, but what about me isn't some strange paradox?
God is pulling me through a difficult time, he's shaping me, breaking and tearing down, and filling me full of His love. Heh... to put it poetically, I am feeling wearied by the birthing pains of a new stage in my life.
I had always likened my spiritual transformation to that of a butterfly (if anyone reading this had been to my baptismal, they might remember this... Vee... I think you're the only one that might apply to... and possibly Mark... righto anyhow) I won't go into too much depth about it, (I can regale the tale, if you would really like me to though) but I could see stages of my life were like moving from a caterpillar into a cocoon, and then emerging into the world as a butterfly, God's butterfly. The cocoon stage was a period of pain and while I was in it I was utterly confused; I didn't realize God was bringing me to the point of being born into something new. Well, I didn't know that a butterfly could go through a cocoon stage more than once, but it appears that God has brought me to a point where he is doing some amazing transformation. Though at this point I feel really confused and feel a lot of pain, and though last time I couldn't see that the cocoon stage would bring me to becoming something new, I can see that God is shaping my life for His purposes.

Anyhow I want to tell you all about how God is amazingly faithful in even little ways... yesterday I was on my way to the library and decided to stop in and pray in the chapel. I was feeling slightly crappy, and right before I left I asked God if He could please send someone to give me a hug, cause I really needed one. Maybe an hour or two later, a girl I know saw me in the library, she not only ran over and gave me one hug, but gave me two hugs, kissed me on the head, told me I was beautiful, gave me another hug, we talked about how life was going, she told me that God had me in His big strong hands, that I was a beautful person, and gave me another two hugs.

God is really cool.

And I also want to note something that I noticed yesterday... I called home and was talking with my mom, I ended up pouring out my heart to her about my struggles, and the things that were causing me pain. I also told her about the amazing things that God was doing through it all... Over the past 3 summers I had been going back to Ontario for the summer, I felt the tug to go there and serve the people who loved me so very deeply, my parents, my family, friends, and, of course, my church family. I so desprately wanted to open up to my family about God's involvement in my life ( I should note, my family are Christians, but coversation of spiritual matter usually don't come up) Anyhow, I did have some opportunity over the years. At the end of this summer, I felt it was truly time to go, to let go of the ties I kept there, and cleared out all of my belongings. It was time to give all of my heart and life to God and take it all back here. I've noticed I've been able to express, to find opportunity to talk about, God's involvement in my life in the last couple weeks than I usually have in the span of the summer months... Hopefully I'll be able to continue as such, I want to tell my parents more, have a relationship with them that reaches down deeper.... mmm well... time to run off into the dishpit... luckily everythings in working order right now... i think...

I've got fantastic news!
I've finally gotten the poetry blog up and running, so kiddies hurry on over to the link there (tell me no lies... under literary links) and check it out. There's not much (note I say much, not nothing) there, at least not yet, but if you send me some poems, we can solve that problem!!

Dez shared this song with me, I love the lyrics... so I'm sharing it with you.

Artist: Blindside
Album: Silence
Song: Cute Boring Love

She said what I was supposed to think
Thank God for freedom
Thank God for liberation
(She said) Now we are allowed to think
Now we are allowed to feel lust without cute boring love

But don't you ever just like me
Long for purity
Don't you ever
Get sick of our territories

What are you so scared of sister
What made you so afraid to feel
To chose a stone cold liberation
The one thing I hate most about me
Is the one thing you want to make your trademark
To feel lust without cute boring love

But don't you ever just like me
Long for purity
Don't you ever
Get sick of our territories
Don't you ever feel like glass
Fragile, hurting, letting it pass
Don't you think it's time to trespass

But when the fire is gone
Who are you?
What are you so scared of sister?
I'm just as scared as you

To die, to sleep--

No more -- and by a sleep to say we end

The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks

That flesh is heir to. 'Tis a cosummation

Devoutly to be wished

To die, to sleep--
To sleep -- perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub,

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come

(For those Shakespear readers... don't be concerned, I'm not contemplating suicide)

Dreams are strange things, some of us dream in colour, some in black and white. Some dream lovely dreams they wish not to wake from, some have night terrors, and then there are those bizarre dreams that not quite unlike something from the twilight zone; the latter is usually the form in which my dreams come.

I have found myself too often opening my eyes to a dream where I am surrounded by familiar surroundings and familiar people, where I can recognize everything, I can taste, see, smell and feel. In these dreams within a world that seems so completely real I sometimes become merely a spectator in my own body, watching myself do things, and be a person that seems so contradictory to my character. Sometimes I wake into the dream as I would wake into reality, having found myself having already committed something that goes against my personality to do. Or I find myself, though I am physically the same, being seen differently in the eyes of others; as if I have awoken as the alternate reality jo, instead of the one I know I am.

In any of these cases the feeling that accompanies me when I actually awake is much the same. A sense of dread paired up with a queasy sort of knot in my stomach, shaking my head and telling myself, no, no, that couldn't have possibly been real, that couldn't have possibly been real, I couldn't ever have done that, or been that person, no... Often it takes a awhile to shake the feeling, sometimes half the day.

About 6 weeks ago I was violently shaken awake from one of these dreams. In my dream there was a conflict, a battle of sorts between two sides of the same heart. Through various circumstances I saw foolishness override the character that God tries to deeply install in me, I saw myself act in ways that seemed so contrary to the wiser disposition I could see within me. That wiser disposition instead was hiding within my heart whispering this isn't quite right, pleading for that foolishness to back off and leave me alone. The conflict swayed from one side to the other, foolishness pushing back wisdom with wisdom shaking it's head in remorse, wisdom would then gently attempt to tame foolishness, much like trying to catch Icarus as he began to fall from the sky.

The war raged on, and foolishness was gaining ground much to the wise dispositions dismay, but then a circumstance came along where both sides surprisingly agreed. While foolishness was conviently distracted the wise disposition had the chance to approach the circumstance carefully, analyzing with a discerning eye. But by this point in the war between the two wisdom had lost sight of exactly how much ground foolishness had taken within me, than again maybe foolishness had always had a great deal of conrol... Though wisdom saw something good, it was not nearly discerning enough and most certainly not strong enough to gaurd what it had found, and foolishness quickly overran it's territory.

The dream degraded until the point where the wiser disposition was barely audible, and had thrown up its white flag of defeat. And as usually happens when foolishness reigns, all comes tumbling down to a disasterous ruin. It was the exact moment when everything began to desperately fall apart, the point when my head was left spinning in confusion and bewilderment, in which I was shaken awake and I am still left at this moment saying to myself no, no, that couldn't have possibly been real. The queasy knot has begun to loose its hold, but I am still shaking my head, because it has no consolation... Despite its similarities to the dreams I've experienced in past times of sleep, I am fully aware that this dream truly happened. I was caught in the control of my own foolishness and it was God's hand that roused me from my troubled slumber, now all that is left is the wiser disposition of my heart feeling grieved at it's association with it's other half. And although it knows that foolishness has been beaten down by the mercy of God, it is too wise to think that foolishness will not attempt to make a come back.

I'm not a person to regret, I am most certainly grieved by the retarded things that I have done, but I fully know I would just make some other mistake even if I had the chance to go back and fix the ones I'm aware of... We're never going to be perfect, but if we can do our best to rely on God, He'll always be faithful to give us a wakeup call when we need it...

The long awaited for post is finally here...
I'm back at Briercrest, a whole new year has begun, and many new changes accompany the fresh start of another semester. Many of you knew that I was making the big switch from dorms to the trailer life, which I'm enjoying thouroughly, but I'm also working in the cafeteria. Along with those changes in my own personal life, things are changing around me as well, dorms and restaurants closing, new things being established. Anyhow to mark the beginning of a whole new set of adventures I will tell you what working in the cafeteria is like on a really bad week...
so... I work in the dish pit of the cafeteria at Briercrest College (it isn't exactly a "Call me Ishmael" beginning, but I promise to get better). The dish pit, as you can guess, is where all of utilities used in the dinner process (dishes, silverware, pots, pans, etc, everything!) go through once they've been utterly soiled. The dishpit crew must stay there until all the dishes are cleaned and put away and the dish pit is cleaned... on a usual basis I work in the dish pit for six shifts between monday to thursday. I came into sweep the floors Monday night, and my supervisor from the dish pit came out and asked me to help in the dish pit because the kids back there were all newbies and I apparantly looked like I knew what I was doing. I worked there 45 minutes longer than I was booked. No biggie, but the week gets better... as I was working in the pit the next afternoon, it is discovered and announced to the community that someone broke into the water reservoire and the water is now considered contaminated. Because the water is contaminated it has to be heated to a certain degree in order for it to be usable, at lunch that meant we ran somethings through more than once (such as the cups). Not too big of a deal, only maybe 15-30 min extra on that shift...
I came into work my shift a few hours later, and when I arrived discovered that we were not allowed to use the dishwasher because it wasn't heating up enough (not being able to use the dishwasher slows things down greatly). And then, the catering company decided we could wash their dishese as well as our own... it turned out that we could use the dishwasher to wash the dishes, but not sanitize. So we sanitized them by hand. Luckily the student populous was eating with disposable dishes and silverware, so we just had pots and trays and the like. This was beginning to suck. I was there an extra hour. While I was there doing extra time, my boss (like my supervisors boss) and somehow talked me into working the drink shift the next morning...
The next day... at lunch... the dish washer was fixed! Just kidding... well we thought it was fixed, we washed the dishes as usual, but I was still there for an extra 45 min. Things were looking up though, since I thought the dishwasher was fixed.
So Thursday comes along, I'm working the lunch shift, and the dishwasher is most definately not working, in fact they predicted it wouldn't be working for several hours. And the student populous was not eating on disposable dishes. At lunch there are usually 2 other people working there besides myself, along with our supervisor. At lunch on Thursday, my supervisor had to run out on an errand, and there was no one else there with me. My goal was to find places to put all of the dinner utilities that were going to come through, because there was no way they were going to get washed through the dish washer. The lunch rush out of the cafeteria hit just before noon. I was still all by myself and quickly ran out of immediate space to put the incoming dinner utilities... sigh. My door friend (she sits at the door and swipes cards), Manda, came to my rescue though, she fetched some help, which was greatly appreciated. This really sucked. But I got out of there on schedule (seeing as there was nothing I could do with the dishes) .
The fun doesn't end... oh no it only gets better... so for my last fated dishpit shift of the week, Thursday night, I came in to find the dishwasher still not fixed, all of the dinner utilities stacked to high heaven and more to come. Although the student populous was back to eating on disposable plates and such, it looked as though we were going to have to scrub the pots and pans, that were needed immediately, by hand. (shudder) Fortunately, they fixed the dishwasher halfway through the meal. So thanks to the morning crew (who graciously agreed to wash the floors and dish washer for us) all we did were dishes until 8:45... nothing else, just got those dishes done, and stayed and extra hour and 15 minutes. This really sucked, but luckily it's suckiness I get paid for. So yesterday I sat down with my boss and got rid of two shifts, after this week I'll be working 5.5 hours less a week. This will make a little more time for God, and maybe I'll get around to making perogies too...

Strengthing Integrity

I'm dreadfully sorry that I haven't written a post about my adventures of returning to school, I promise I'll give you a little update about my escapades of working in the dishpit in the cafeteria here at Briercrest and quite a bit more happened over the summer than I have related in my posts. But for now I have a thought that I'd like to share with you, which is something that haven't done in a quite awhile, share some of my ponderings... I guess my brain was taking a break over the summer break. I'm also trying a new blogskin... I found that the textbox and font was rather tiny, though I loved the design.

I was pondering what it means to be a person of integrity, thinking of how many of us thirst after this moral soundness, and strive as followers of Christ to uphold a life lived upon convictions; to always do the right thing according to our beliefs. And what I'm wondering is what kind of message does a person of integrity display to the world if that person lacks courage and strength? What kind of testimony would it be to the world around us is all Christians were 'nice' people of good standards, but who quiver in the face of trials and run away from the challenges that face them?
It seems to me (that's my preventative clause indicating that I may very well be wrong...) that being a person of integrity doesn't mean that one needs to (metaphorically... I hope) castrate ones self. In fact it could be quite probable that a person who lacks strength and courage puts a damper on the image of integrity. That having high standards in the name of God, but not having the strength to present that integrity in the face of something that hurts or in a situation that intimidates you, doesn't represent the one we worship very well.

I want to back track a little and go back to strength and courage. I want to clarify what exactly strength and courage is. There is often some incorrect thinking that strength is only found in people who seem impervious to pain and sorrow and that courage is only found in people who know not the meaning of fear. That is not what strength and courage is, nor will you find anyone of that description. Strength, rather, is found in those who in the midst of pain manage to continue on, not as if nothing has happened, but view it as an experience to learn from. Courage is found in those who when faced with challenges that intimidate or scare them, press foward anyhow. A person who displays strength and courage is a person who can face challenges with a determination to perservere through the trial as if there is no other available option.
Right, so back to the main thought...

Now imagine a person, (I'm sorry if you feel offended by my terminology, but it effectively communicates my point in a way that most people can understand) who has integrity, but also balls of titanium to boot... so to speak. A person who lives to high standards but will hold to high standards in everything that they face. And I mean in every sort of challenge, from the smallest inconvience to the largest battle, they face with a strength and courage that can only be attributed back to the God that they serve. Now that is an example of a follower of Christ that we should all yearn to be. That is a person who will speak to the hearts of everyone around them, Christian and non-Christian alike. Others will be drawn to that person because it is clear that they are not acting on any human strength but instead point to the Almighty God.